


Just one more shot

by dohyucks



Series: In this world, I only need you [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Oral Sex, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 47,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23197267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dohyucks/pseuds/dohyucks
Summary: It’s tradition. Jeno and Renjun have always gone out for drinks together—just the two of them—to discuss their love lives, or the lack thereof.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Series: In this world, I only need you [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1207137
Comments: 50
Kudos: 305





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mypage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mypage/gifts).



> Late valentines day present for my lovely bb Tiara—thanks for the prompt (noren drinking buddies), I hope you enjoy this noren content heh ♡ Also *finger guns* Berry this is for you too. Thank you [Tiara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mypage) and [Justinne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/painttheworldinpastels) for making this threeway v-day fic exchange happen!! Shout out to [Sam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zero_miles) for beta-ing, please check out her works! ♡
> 
> Content warning:  
> \- Mild angst from seemingly unrequited pining  
> \- Heavy drinking (pls drink responsibly guys!)  
> \- Mentions of throwing up on two occasions (from drinking too much). Please do not read this fic if you are sensitive to this content.
> 
> There is a side ship that will be revealed in Ch 2, can anyone guess it? heh

“Renjun,” Jeno calls out, hastily reaching out to wrap his hand securely around Renjun’s wrist. “We’re on the main road. There are cars everywhere, it’s dangerous.” 

Renjun chortles and edges closer to the curb. His footsteps are unsteady but he manages to not trip over his own feet and face plant right into the pavement. 

“But the lights are pretty,” he slurs, raising the arm that Jeno is clinging onto. He points at a spot in the distance, his arm wavering.

Jeno squints, struggling to figure out what Renjun is pointing at.

“Car headlights won’t be pretty if you get run over,” Jeno replies in a firm voice. He draws Renjun’s arm back and attempts to drag him away from the road. 

“No wait!” Renjun resists. “That looks like a nice place to sit.” 

With a mighty tug, Renjun forces his wrist out of Jeno’s grasp. The moment that he frees himself, Renjun makes a beeline for the curb. 

“Renjun,” Jeno says exasperatedly. 

Renjun plops himself onto the ground, “Look, I’m just sitting here. Totally safe.” He swings a fist as he continues, “I’ll fight anyone that comes our way.” 

They’ve never tried this while sober, but Jeno reckons Renjun could easily knock him over if they were ever to get into a physical fight. Despite his small stature, Renjun could pack a mean punch and Jeno would rather not be the first to figure out how that would feel. 

Jeno shakes his head helplessly. “I’m calling a taxi. We’ll never make it to the metro station if you keep making detours and stops.” 

He joins Renjun on the curb, exhausted to the bone from herding Renjun. He crosses his legs, shaking his head when Renjun flops against him.

“Wake me up when the metro comes,” Renjun yawns and within a minute, he falls asleep. 

Jeno readjusts Renjun’s head so that it’s resting on his shoulder. At least he’s not sleeping on the pavement. The second week of the new semester has barely ended and here they are—drunk and doing stupid things on the streets. 

Renjun was the one who invited Jeno out to drinks tonight, insisting that he’s got a hectic semester ahead of him—something about having two major works to complete—so he needed to have some fun first. They were planning to go clubbing after drinking at a bar but they didn’t exactly make it that far. 

He should have watched Renjun closely tonight, Jeno thinks. Renjun had more drinks than his body could handle and they’re lucky that Renjun is not bending over and emptying the contents in his stomach right now. 

When the taxi arrives, Renjun startles awake and throws a fit because it’s not the metro. The taxi driver loses his patience and honks the horn at them twice before Renjun calms down enough for Jeno to shove him inside the car. He doesn’t quite get the seatbelt on for Renjun, but the taxi driver doesn’t say anything so Jeno leaves it be. 

“I forgot to bring my keys!” Renjun whines as Jeno tries to tell the driver Renjun’s dorm address.  
“Jeno? Jeno!” He slips a hand under Jeno’s shirt, desperately trying to get his attention.

“Is the address right?” the taxi driver mutters, pointing at his GPS. 

Jeno grips Renjun’s wrist and draws his hand out from under his shirt. He slaps his other hand over Renjun’s mouth and squints at the screen, cursing himself for not bringing his glasses out tonight. “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you.” He leans closer to Renjun’s ear, wincing when he feels Renjun’s tongue against his palm. “Be quiet!” he hisses. “Don’t cause a scene. I’ll text Jisung for you.” 

Renjun makes a garbled noise that sounds mildly like, “Jisung?”

“I’m going to let go now,” Jeno explains, “but behave. You can nap with your head on my shoulder or lap or whatever, just don’t piss the driver off again.” 

Less than five minutes into the taxi ride, Renjun flops over and naps with his head on one of Jeno’s thighs. Jeno brushes the hair out of Renjun’s eyes, wondering how his hair got so messy between leaving the bar and getting in the taxi. 

He fishes his phone out from his back pocket with his other hand and sends Jisung—Renjun’s new roommate—a quick text. Renjun was extremely lucky with roommate allocation this year. Beyond the fact that Jisung is a friendly, sweet first-year student, he is also a night owl, meaning he’ll most definitely be awake at this hour to open the door for Renjun.

Renjun shifts with a loud groan and Jeno feels a patch of his jeans grow warmer and warmer. It isn’t until the taxi driver is paid and they’re in front of Renjun’s dorm that Jeno belatedly realises that Renjun had drooled all over his thigh. 

After three rings, Jisung picks up his phone. “Hey, we’re downstairs,” Jeno says quietly and Jisung replies with a noise of acknowledgement. 

Renjun’s still fast asleep, even though Jeno was a little rough with him when he pulled him out of the back of the taxi. Jeno unloops his arm from around Renjun. Deciding that it’s going to be a challenge getting Renjun to walk inside his dorm, Jeno maneuvers him so that he’s draped over his back. 

The security at the front desk flashes him a bored look when he enters the building with Renjun on his back, unfazed by the sight. He’s probably seen drunk university students one too many times during his time at work. 

Jisung’s a little taken aback when he opens the door to the sight of Renjun on Jeno’s back. 

“Too much to drink?” Jisung jokes weakly, drawing the door wider to let them in. His headphones are around his neck and he’s clad in baby blue pyjamas. 

Jeno nods. “Yeah, he definitely went all out tonight. We didn’t even make it to the club he wanted to go to.” 

It’s not the first time that Jeno has had to bring Renjun back to his dorm since he became roommates with Jisung last semester, but it’s probably Jisung’s first time seeing Renjun completely shit-faced. 

“Does he need water?” Jisung asks quietly, trailing after them like a puppy. 

Jeno smiles at this. Jisung’s so sweet—a stark contrast to Renjun’s last roommate who had been rude, messy, and loud. Jisung is at least ten times nicer and if Jeno had to live with a roommate, he would want someone like Jisung. 

“I think he’d appreciate that when he wakes up,” Jeno says quietly. “Leave it on his bedside table.” 

Jisung scrambles to fetch a glass of water for Renjun while Jeno tucks him in bed. Renjun groans loudly when Jeno lowers him onto his bed. He leaves Renjun in the clothes he wore outside tonight because he knows that Renjun doesn’t like being changed without his permission. Renjun snuffles into his pillow and curls his legs, drawing them close to his chest. 

When Jeno pulls Renjun’s phone out from his front pocket, Renjun’s keys fall out with a clack against the screen. 

“You’re so silly sometimes,” Jeno shakes his head in disbelief, plopping Renjun’s phone and keys on his bedside table. He draws Renjun’s blanket up to his chin and brushes his fringe to one side before leaving him to sleep. 

Renjun’s probably going to have a fit the moment he wakes up with a hangover, but at least Jeno won’t be around when that happens.

***

Barely a week later, Renjun calls for an emergency Zova run.

Halfway through Jeno’s Thursday afternoon lecture, Renjun texts him urgently, saying, ‘Zova bar at 7pm Friday. Don’t be late!!!’

It’s fifteen past eight on Friday night and Renjun is nowhere in sight. Jeno scrolls through their chat history to check and double-check that Renjun had proposed to meet at seven. It’s uncharacteristic of Renjun to be running late, particularly without a text or call in advance.

A staff member from the Zova Rooftop Bar approaches Jeno’s corner booth and clears his table, removing his empty cocktail glass. They clear their throat pointedly before asking, “Would you like another drink?” 

Jeno blinks back at them, unsure how to respond. It’s the second time this evening that someone has approached him. 

The customers who frequent this bar are supposed to order the drinks at the bar. He’s never had a staff member come up to him and ask him for his drink order. It’s as if they’re hinting that he should leave the booth if he doesn’t plan to meet anyone or order another drink. The waiter hasn’t said anything else so maybe Jeno’s overthinking this. 

“Just gin and tonic please,” Jeno replies eventually, “and maybe a glass of water.” 

“So that’s one gin and tonic and a glass of water?” the waiter asks, confirming his order.

“Yes, that’s right,” Jeno nods, turning his body slightly to the right to admire the night view, hoping that the waiter will take this as their cue to leave. 

To Jeno’s relief, the waiter leaves him alone without any further questions or comments. He knows that Friday nights are busy and it’s likely that the staff at Zova are instructed to clear the booths as much as they can by asking people like Jeno to leave if necessary. But until Renjun confirms that he’s not coming tonight, Jeno is going to fight for this booth. 

Renjun insists that this corner booth gives the best views of the city skyline so every time they visit the bar, they always try to snag a spot here. It’s almost impossible to get a seat at this bar after six-thirty, especially from Friday to Sunday. 

A group of four customers happened to be leaving when Jeno arrived at seven on the dot so he was able to secure this spot for once. Jeno wants to say that luck is on his side tonight, but considering the fact that Huang Renjun has blipped off the face of this Earth, it probably isn’t. 

They didn’t always come here. Jeno used to go bar hopping with Renjun back in their first year of university. It wasn’t until sometime during the winter break of their second year that Renjun had stumbled across Zova. Since then, it has become their favourite meeting place for drinks. 

Zova was a little too fancy for them at first but when they both picked up part-time jobs, it no longer became a big deal.

To be frank, Jeno is feeling a little helpless. Renjun is not answering his calls and all of his text messages—asking him if he’s still coming and if he is okay—are left unread. He’s tempted to leave the bar and travel to Renjun’s dorm to check up on him but his gut feeling urges him to stay. 

“Here’s your drink.” The waiter comes around again and gently places the drink in front of Jeno. The ice in his gin and tonic bobs and clinks against the glass.

Jeno thanks the waiter and pulls out his card, “Can I pay by card?” 

He finds it mildly amusing how the waiter immediately draws out a card machine. They obviously came prepared—it was strapped to their belt. As the machine successfully processes the payment, someone approaches the booth from behind the waiter. 

And lo and behold, it’s Renjun. 

When the waiter turns to leave, Renjun’s sudden appearance shocks them and they jump back against the table.

“I’m so sorry,” Renjun blurts, dodging the waiter and sliding into the seat across from Jeno. 

Jeno sighs. “It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re safe and okay.” He takes a sip of his gin and tonic before offering it to Renjun.

Even in the dim lighting, Jeno can see that Renjun’s hair is a mess. He looks absolutely exhausted and Jeno wonders what in the world could have happened to make Renjun like this. 

“You’re not mad?” Renjun squeaks in a small voice, sneaking a look at Jeno as he takes a sip of the drink. “You’re allowed to be…” 

They both know that if it had been one of their other friends, like Jaemin or Yangyang, who had turned up over an hour late, Jeno would have blown up. Being someone who is either early or on time, Jeno doesn’t tolerate tardiness and all of his friends are well aware of that. 

Jeno shakes his head. “You owe me an explanation though.” Considering it’s Renjun’s first time arriving late, Jeno lets it slip. 

“Okay…” Renjun trails off. He takes another gulp of Jeno’s drink then clears his throat. “So something came up,” he begins. “Someone, actually.” 

Jeno raises his eyebrows at Renjun. He’s being awfully vague and Jeno has a bad feeling that he’s about to say something that will piss him off. 

With a sigh, Renjun downs the rest of Jeno’s drink before slamming the glass on the table. “Alright, I’ll just say it, since you’re going to get mad either way. Donghyuck called.” 

He doesn’t need to say anymore because the moment Jeno sweeps his eyes over Renjun’s neck, he instantly spots something. “Is that a hickey?” he asks, eyes narrowing as he leans closer to get a better look. 

Now that Renjun has somewhat explained himself, Jeno also notices that Renjun’s lips are swollen. 

Renjun lets out a nervous laugh, “Oh, is there something there?” He slaps a hand across one side of his neck then the other, in a pathetic attempt to cover up. 

It takes every ounce of energy left in Jeno to not spring up in his seat.

“You seriously ditched me to fuck Donghyuck?” Jeno scowls, shaking his head. 

Renjun remains quiet, looking down at his hands. He’s practically buzzing with nervous energy and honestly, it makes Jeno feel a little bad. When it becomes obvious that Renjun is not going to say something until he’s certain that Jeno is not about to explode, Jeno sighs and speaks up.

“You know what, I don’t have the energy to be mad at you but you owe me a drink. And lunch. Buy me lunch next week,” Jeno proposes. 

Renjun nibbles on his bottom lip, hesitant. He thinks through Jeno’s proposal carefully before he replies, “Deal. Lunch next Wednesday. What drink do you want?”

“Vodka sunrise.”

“One vodka sunrise coming for you sir,” Renjun stands swiftly, raising an arm to salute. 

Jeno rolls his eyes and shoos Renjun away, in the general direction of the main bar. As he watches Renjun’s back disappear in the distance, Jeno feels himself deflate. 

Donghyuck and Renjun have been friends with benefits for a little over two years now. On and off. The off seasons are usually when one of them starts dating someone else—usually Donghyuck. During these periods of time, Renjun occasionally whines about dry spells and struggling to find someone else to sleep with. Most of the time, he redirects his energy into helping Donghyuck settle in his next serious relationship—which aren’t really all that serious half the time because they never last longer than two months at most. 

And that’s why ‘Zova runs’ began. Renjun needed someone to vent to from time to time about his off seasons with Donghyuck and somewhere along the way, it became a tradition for them to meet up regularly and share their love life—or the lack thereof, particularly in Jeno’s case—with each other. 

All in all, Renjun’s relationship with Donghyuck is confusing. Jeno has tried his utmost best to understand them. He’s really given it his everything, but he still struggles to understand how Renjun can fuck his best friend and not catch feelings. 

Jeno would never be able to do that. He is well aware that he’s the type to become really emotionally attached to people he becomes intimate and close with, so arrangements like friends with benefits aren’t suited for someone like him. 

Renjun returns fifteen minutes later with a shot in each hand, no vodka sunrise in sight.

“What happened to my vodka sunrise?” Jeno raises his eyebrows. 

Renjun clicks his tongue impatiently. “It’s coming.” He passes a shot to Jeno, “Here, a free shot on top of that cocktail.”

“How generous of you,” Jeno comments sarcastically. 

“Shut up before I drink both of these myself.” 

They clink shot glasses gently, careful to not spill any of the alcohol. Jeno smiles into his shot glass, glad to see that Renjun is back to his usual self. The vodka burns Jeno’s throat and he sets his empty glass down with a sigh, wondering why he continues to make bad decisions. 

Growing up in a conservative family, Jeno was raised to be wary of things like alcohol. His dad always warned him against the health risks of drinking, as well as other things like smoking. He had never shown interest in drinking until he turned eighteen. 

Moving out after high school and starting university brought about a wealth of new experiences, including ones that would leave his parents horrified. These experiences reshaped his perspective on drinking. But even now, his mind remains conflicted—a part of his brain shouts at him to proceed while another part rings alarm bells at him. 

Jeno doesn’t understand why he drinks, but he does know for sure that he enjoys Renjun’s company. With the alcohol finally buzzing in his system, Jeno decides that Renjun’s enough of a reason for him to be drinking tonight. Responsible decision making can come another time. 

Sometime after his fourth drink of the night, Renjun speaks up. “I’m sorry,” he apologises quietly. “I didn’t mean to ditch you. Donghyuck was just really upset and he came to me for advice and things just sort of… escalated from there.” 

The main thing that Jeno and Donghyuck have in common is that they’re both Renjun’s best friends, but that doesn’t mean that they’re friends too. It’s not that Donghyuck is not a good person or friend. Jeno’s just not as comfortable with him—his sense of humour is rather different to Jeno’s. Donghyuck’s banter often hits a little too close to home and Jeno finds himself hurting deep down after they part ways. 

Jeno doesn’t know Donghyuck overly well, but he knows Renjun like the back of his hand. Although Renjun doesn’t say it explicitly, something tells Jeno that Renjun knew that Donghyuck’s visit was not all that spontaneous. Donghyuck had visited with the intention of seeking something more than pure verbal advice.

“Just between you and me, yeah?” Renjun says, looking up from his long island iced tea. 

Jeno nods. Everything they discuss at Zova stays between them. What Renjun is about to share with him must be private, something that he’s not meant to know, especially if he’s double-checking that Jeno won’t spill the beans elsewhere. 

“Donghyuck had his eyes on someone for about a month. He’s a final year engineering student that Donghyuck met through Yukhei at the end of semester break,” Renjun reveals. 

“Did he try to ask him out?”

“Yeah and it didn’t go well. Jungwoo—oops, I wasn’t going to say who he was but I guess the cat’s out of the bag now,” Renjun continues sheepishly. “Jungwoo kind of freaked out when Donghyuck asked him out over lunch. He didn’t stay until the end of their lunch date. He made some kind of excuse and left early.”

“Oh man, that sucks,” Jeno frowns, trying to imagine himself on a date like that. He’d feel pretty shitty too if his crush left lunch midway after he confessed his feelings. 

Renjun agrees solemnly. “He was really upset when he came by my dorm… I told him it’s not the end though. He mentioned that Jungwoo said he needed time to think so I reckon Jungwoo might still be interested.” Jeno lets out an interested hum and Renjun continues, “But Donghyuck is dramatic like that sometimes. He insisted that now that he’s not going after Jungwoo because Jungwoo doesn’t want him, we could still, you know.”

“Fuck?” Jeno supplies helpfully. 

“I was trying to say it nicely but if you want to put it that way,” Renjun deadpans.

Jeno laughs into Renjun’s face and steals his long island. “I’m just saying,” he says with a shrug before taking a large gulp. 

Renjun doesn’t always make the brightest decisions and Jeno finds himself cleaning up after Renjun at times. Tonight’s one of those times because Renjun’s dumb and he drank on an empty stomach so Jeno finds himself carrying Renjun on his back—exactly like how last Friday night ended. 

They take a taxi back to Renjun’s dorm and not long after they arrive, Renjun bolts for the toilet and empties his stomach. He dirties his shirt and Jeno helps him change into a clean shirt before tucking him in bed. Jisung isn’t home so Jeno sends him a text before he leaves their dorm. It’ll be good to have an extra pair of eyes to keep a lookout for him. 

Jisung texts back, ‘What? Again?’ almost instantly, followed by a row of question marks. A minute later, Jeno’s phone buzzes again and this time, Jisung says, ‘I can’t make it home tonight but I’ll check up on him tomorrow morning.’

It’s tempting to stay over at Renjun’s dorm for the night, considering it’s midnight and the time is inching closer and closer to the last metro of the day. Jeno decides against it eventually. Renjun’s bed is big enough to fit the two of them but he doesn’t want to unintentionally cross any boundaries that he’s spent all these years establishing. He leaves a glass of water at Renjun’s bedside and leaves his dorm after one last look at Renjun’s sleeping face. 

Jeno barely makes it on the last metro and has to blast music through his earphones to keep himself awake as he travels home alone.

***

As promised, Renjun treats Jeno to lunch on Wednesday.

Jeno doesn’t have class on Wednesday mornings so he arrives on campus two hours before noon to study at the upper campus library, closer to the buildings where Renjun usually has classes. He’s surprisingly productive and he manages to revise through a good amount of the content from his physics class. 

At quarter to noon, Jeno leaves the library and heads towards the Faculty of Arts. He waits by the entrance, standing behind one of the pillars to hide from the wind. It’s early spring and although the weather is slowly growing warmer, the wind can be ruthless on cloudy days like today. Jeno huddles into his jacket and presses his back against the pillar, scanning the faces of the students passing in and out of the building for Renjun. 

Jeno doesn’t wait for long before Renjun comes stalking purposefully out of the building. He has a large canvas in his right hand and a navy-coloured bag slung over his left shoulder—it’s the bag that he uses to carry his painting equipment. Renjun speeds past Jeno without a glance and begins his way down the stairs. 

Before Jeno has the chance to call out his name, Renjun pauses on the third step and does a double-take. 

“Jeno?” Renjun exclaims. He looks confused at first, then the expression on his face morphs into a bright smile. “What are you doing here?” 

As per Renjun’s suggestion, they had agreed over text to meet at the tonkatsu place near campus. It’s always been like this with their lunch or dinner plans—they meet at the restaurant at the proposed time. To be utterly honest, Jeno doesn’t know what compelled him to wait for Renjun outside his faculty building today. But if Renjun is going to smile at him like this every time Jeno surprises him, he might consider dropping by another day. 

Pushing himself off the pillar, Jeno heads down the steps to join him. 

“To meet you,” Jeno replies simply, reaching out to hold Renjun’s navy bag for him. 

Renjun shrugs his hand off gently, “It’s okay, I’ve got this.” The contents in Renjun’s bag clack loudly with every step as they make their way down the stairs together. “Wanna come with me?” Renjun raises the canvas in his hand. “I was going to put this back in my dorm before I came out to meet you.”

Jeno nods, tilting his head to peek at Renjun’s canvas. He only makes out the faint pencil outline on the canvas before Renjun hides it from view. Renjun has always been insistent about not showing people his works of art before they’re complete. Jeno suspects that it’s because Renjun doesn’t like people seeing work that he is unsatisfied with, but to Jeno’s untrained eyes, all of Renjun’s works are beautiful. Renjun is exceptionally gifted with visual arts and Jeno is happy that Renjun has found the courage to pursue what interests him most. 

“No peeking, it’s not done yet,” Renjun says sternly. 

Jeno nudges Renjun’s waist playfully and Renjun jumps back with a shriek. 

“Fine,” Jeno laughs. “But show me when it’s done.” 

Renjun lives on the fringe of the lower campus and it takes him about ten minutes to walk to class every day. During their first two years of university, Renjun lived in the dorm located closer to the upper campus. At the end of each year, Renjun’s supposed to put his name down on a waitlist, but the spots in the upper campus dorm filled up much faster than he had anticipated. 

Renjun had made a huge fuss about having to move to the lower campus dorm at the start of this academic year and Jeno had to listen to him complain while they moved boxes of Renjun’s belongings together. Two weeks into living at his new dorm, Renjun warmed up to his new living space and the additional walking distance.

After they drop Renjun’s canvas and equipment off at his dorm, Jeno begins to feel hungry. Renjun laughs at him when his stomach growls loudly and Jeno kicks at his butt.

“I didn’t have much for breakfast, okay?” Jeno whines. He rubs at his stomach and it growls loudly again. 

“What the fuck?” Renjun mutters, turning his head to their right. 

Jeno looks in the same direction as Renjun but doesn’t spot anything odd in particular. He sees a couple making out in front of the engineering faculty building, though that’s not an uncommon occurrence on campus. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Renjun looks away. “It’s Donghyuck,” he replies tersely, striding away quickly and leaving Jeno behind.

Jeno squints at the couple, confused. Now that Renjun has mentioned it, the guy in the red jacket does look kind of like Donghyuck from behind. He swivels around and looks over his shoulder in an attempt to catch a better look of the couple’s faces. 

From this angle, he can only see the back of Donghyuck’s head. When the couple stops kissing, Jeno catches a glimpse of the other guy. He has grey-coloured hair—almost silver under this lighting—and a tall, defined nose. His eyes are wide and curious as they stare at Donghyuck’s face, a sweet smile adorning his face. Then, Jeno’s view is obscured again as Donghyuck pushes himself onto the tips of his toes, craning his neck and wrapping his arms around the other guy’s neck to kiss him again. 

Renjun backtracks to wrap his hand around Jeno’s wrist. “Don’t _stare_ ,” Renjun hisses. He tugs sharply and forces Jeno to walk faster. 

“Sorry,” Jeno says sheepishly, “I just wanted to see what he looked like.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “That’s Jungwoo.” 

“Oh, they’re dating?”

If Jeno recalls their conversation on Friday night at Zova correctly, Renjun had said that Donghyuck was rejected when he asked Jungwoo out. Renjun did mention something about Jungwoo saying he needed time to think, though. 

“Apparently so,” Renjun huffs. He releases his hold on Jeno’s wrist and they walk the rest of the way to the tonkatsu restaurant in silence.

“Are you upset about Donghyuck?” Jeno asks slowly once they’re seated. 

“No,” Renjun mumbles, eyes scanning the menu even though they’ve already decided what they’re going to order before stepping foot in the restaurant. He’s clearly upset but Jeno doesn’t pry. 

“Alright, maybe I am a little mad,” Renjun admits after they place their order for lunch. 

Jeno passes a pair of chopsticks to Renjun. “Mm,” he hums sympathetically. 

He wants to ask Renjun why he’s mad but he doesn’t push Renjun to continue. After three years of being friends with Renjun, he has learned—the hard way—that Renjun will shy away and curl back into his shell if he’s pressured to share something that he doesn’t wish to. 

“I knew it, urgh. My instincts were right. Jungwoo probably just needed some time to think,” Renjun groans loudly. “I’m not mad because they’re dating now—like I’m happy for him! I was the one who encouraged him to go after Jungwoo, but god, he could’ve at least _told_ me,” Renjun rants, digging into his curry tonkatsu angrily. He raises his chopsticks and points at Jeno, “I bet you they started dating over the weekend. Donghyuck always disappears off social media when he finds a new boyfriend.” 

Jeno takes a bite of his lunch and has to hold himself back from moaning. It’s probably not a good time to bring this up because Renjun is in the middle of an angry monologue but the food tastes extra good today. Maybe it tastes better because it’s free food. 

“I thought he needed some space to get over Jungwoo,” Renjun continues. He pauses to stuff his mouth with a piece of tonkatsu. “Jeno,” he says, muffled. “The next time you find a boyfriend, you better tell me first. I swear if I have to find out through someone else, I’ll whoop your ass.” 

Jeno laughs at the threat. “Sure,” he shrugs, “I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone any time soon though.” 

For some unknown reason, dating doesn’t seem right at the moment. He can’t quite put a finger on it, but he’s just not particularly interested in anyone right now. He hasn’t shared this thought with Renjun yet—he wants to figure out why he’s feeling this way by himself first. 

“What do you mean?” Renjun demands. “Do you know how many people stare at you when we go out? Someone’s going to ask you out soon.” When Jeno shakes his head, Renjun continues, “Like Mark? He’s always staring at your ass. Or maybe Yukhei. He stares at your ass too.” 

“I have a nice ass, I know,” Jeno replies, just to get on Renjun’s nerves. 

Renjun snorts at this. “Remind me to never feed your ego again.” 

On their way back towards campus, Jeno manages to coax Renjun into buying him ice cream for dessert. They stop by the gelato store down the road from the tonkatsu place and Renjun lets Jeno pick a flavour for him. 

“By the way,” Renjun says as he walks Jeno to his afternoon class. His chocolate mint ice cream is melting quickly and it drips all over his fingers. Jeno can’t help but stare at the way Renjun laps at his fingers. “I need a model for my major work. Do you want to help me out?”

“Sure,” Jeno agrees, though he’s unsure how he’ll be of any help. “What do I need to do?”

Waving a hand around airily, Renjun replies casually, “Just sit still and look pretty while I sketch you.” 

“Do I get anything out of this? Free food?” 

“Sneaky,” Renjun sneers and punches Jeno’s back lightly. “Fine, I’ll buy you food. Three times max,” he negotiates. “I should be done with the main outline within two to three sessions and I’ll take photos for reference later.” 

“Deal,” Jeno grins, looping an arm around Renjun’s neck. “Minimal effort for free food. I like this idea.” 

Renjun pinches Jeno’s arm with a scowl. “You better shut your mouth before I change my mind and ask Jaemin instead.” 

With a wicked smile, Jeno replies confidently, “You would never.” He leans in quickly to plant a wet kiss on Renjun’s neck and makes a run for it before Renjun can react.

The shrill shriek that Renjun unleashes is music to Jeno’s ears. Bunching his dominant hand into a fist, Renjun chases Jeno all the way to the engineering faculty building.

***

“Zova, Zova, Zova, Zova, Zova,” Renjun chants before unleashing a screech of frustration.

Jeno pulls his phone away from his ear and Jaemin sends him an odd look from across the table. He sets his phone down on the table, leaving Renjun to groan and scream pitifully by himself.

“Is that Renjun?” Jaemin asks. He furrows his eyebrows, looking rather concerned. “He doesn’t sound too good.” 

They’re a third of the way through the semester and things are not looking overly bright for Renjun. It’s not the first time that Renjun has called Jeno to scream out his frustration. Jeno has learned over the years that Renjun needs some space to vent first before he jumps in to reassure him that he’ll pass this semester with flying colours—just like every other semester. Kind of like when a toddler falls over and scrapes their knee. They just need to cry it out, then you kiss it better and stick a bandaid over it. 

“Yeah, he’s been a bit stressed lately,” Jeno nods, rubbing at his temples. “He’ll be alright though, he just needs to vent and he’ll be—” 

“Jeno!” Renjun’s tinny voice wails through his phone. 

Jeno raises his phone to his ear. “You good?” 

“Yeah,” Renjun sniffs, “I need a Zova run, like, real bad.” 

“I figured,” Jeno hums thoughtfully. “I’m with Jaemin right now.” 

“He can come too. I just need to get out of this studio. Fuck, Jeno, I had to restart my canvas because it wasn’t working out. I should’ve restarted last week but god, I’m stupid. I kept going ‘cause I thought it would be okay, but it’s not!” 

Jaemin has turned back to his work and is diligently measuring and marking up a piece of foam board. It doesn’t look it but Jeno knows that Jaemin is still listening to his conversation with Renjun. They’ve been friends since early high school—way before Jeno met Renjun—and he knows Jaemin all too well. 

“Alright, take a deep breath Renjun,” Jeno instructs calmly, pressing the ‘save’ button on his document. He was writing notes for his physics class before Renjun called. “Let’s go to Zova tonight. Is seven okay?” 

Jaemin whips his head up to stare at Jeno. There’s a brief pause then Jaemin and Renjun speak up at the same time, both saying, “It’s Thursday night.” 

“I know it’s Thursday,” Jeno replies, unsure if he is speaking more to Renjun or Jaemin. “You need a Zova Run though, don’t you?” 

“I mean…” Renjun trails off, thinking. “Yeah, I can come tonight because I don’t have any classes on Friday but don’t you have a physics lab on Friday morning?” 

Jeno shrugs, “Will cross that bridge when I get there. See you at the station near Zova at seven?” It’s half past five right now—plenty of time for Jeno to get back to his dorm and get ready. He should grab something to eat beforehand as well. Suddenly remembering Renjun’s mistake last time, he adds sternly, “Make sure you eat something before you come.” 

When Jeno ends the phone call, Jaemin climbs to his feet and stares down at him with his hands perched on his hips. 

“Jeno, it’s Thursday night.” Jaemin looks an awful lot like Jeno’s mother right now. She always had her hands resting on her hips when she scolded him. 

“And?” Jeno shuts his laptop and gathers his belongings. Jaemin lives two minutes away from the metro station and it’ll take less than ten minutes on the metro for Jeno to get back to his place. “Renjun said you can come along too. Wanna come? You look like you could do with a break too.” 

Jaemin shakes his head. “My model is due on Monday and I need every minute I can get.” 

Jeno hums pitifully. Architecture students have it rough. Jeno has lost track of how many models of houses, all made to scale, that he has watched Jaemin make throughout their three years of tertiary education. 

“You have _class_ tomorrow. How are you going to get out of bed after a night of drinking?” Jaemin presses. He swings a thin plank of balsa wood at Jeno’s head.

Jeno ducks, contemplating his next words carefully because he knows that his usual ‘I’ll cross that bridge when I get there’ excuse will not work on Jaemin like it does with Renjun. 

“I’ll manage, alright? I won’t drink too much tonight. Renjun needs me.” 

Jaemin frowns at this. They both know that Jeno is someone who prioritises his friends’ wellbeing over his studies but it has its risks.

“It’s just one time, Jaemin. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” 

Jeno rises to his feet and reaches an arm out to ruffle Jaemin’s hair. Back in high school, Jaemin had his growth spurt before Jeno and there was a period of time where he was a good five centimetres taller than Jeno. His mother was worried that Jeno had stopped growing but he caught up to Jaemin’s height over the summer break before their final year of high school. 

Dropping his arms by his sides, Jaemin sighs. “Jeno, I know you’re worried about Renjun but I’m worried that…” Jaemin trails off with a frown. It’s been a while since Jeno last saw Jaemin looking this uncertain. “Just… take care of yourself. Don’t get hurt.” 

“I won’t.” Jeno flashes Jaemin a reassuring smile, even though he doesn’t fully understand why Jaemin has mentioned this out of the blue. 

On his way out of Jaemin’s dorm, Jeno runs into Jaemin’s roommate, Yukhei. As always, Yukhei greets him warmly before they part ways. He ambles to the train station, pondering whether or not Yukhei actually stares at his ass like Renjun had pointed out a few weeks ago. 

As he hops on the metro, his thoughts shift and Jeno thinks about Jaemin and Renjun instead. Jeno is now closer to Renjun than Jaemin is, even though Jaemin had been the one who introduced Renjun to him. Jeno met Renjun just before the final year of high school. 

He still remembers his first meeting with Renjun clearly. It was Jaemin’s birthday and he had a pool party at his house. Renjun was seated by the edge of the pool with his legs dipped in the water, sunglasses perched on his nose and a cup of sprite in his hand. Jeno had been intimidated by Renjun’s appearance, but five minutes after Jaemin introduced them to each other, they were conversing happily.

Renjun has always been easy going and is someone who never fails to look out for his friends. For that very reason, Jeno wants to be there for Renjun when he needs support the most. 

When Jeno shows up at the metro station near Zova at 6:50pm, he immediately spots Renjun waiting for him by the ticket gates. Renjun’s hair is styled back nicely and he practically glows. Jeno is not all that familiar with makeup, though he suspects that Renjun has put on something that makes him shine even brighter than he already does. 

His face is not the only pretty part of Renjun tonight. He’s wearing a low-cut shirt that accentuates his slim waist and black ripped jeans that Jeno has never seen before. 

“They’re Donghyuck’s,” Renjun explains when Jeno asks about his jeans. 

Considering they’re not his pants, they fit Renjun incredibly well. They cling onto Renjun’s legs tightly and it takes every ounce of energy in Jeno’s body to not stare at Renjun’s legs—and ass—as they make their way up the stairs and exit the station onto the main streets. 

“They suit you,” Jeno murmurs under his breath, not really intending for Renjun to hear.

But Renjun hears him anyway because he’s attentive like that. He beams at Jeno’s compliment and does a little twirl for him to show off his outfit.

“Let’s go clubbing tonight!” Renjun exclaims, his face lighting up in child-like excitement. 

Too distracted by the way Renjun’s shirt dips and reveals his collarbones, Jeno only manages to blurt back, “Sure.” 

Jeno glances down at his own outfit; he is not dressed for clubbing but it’s not a big deal. Even if he was dressed up, he would have gone clubbing for the sake of accompanying Renjun and making sure that he was safe and okay. 

It’s off season for Renjun and Donghyuck so Renjun dressing up and suggesting for them to go to the club can only mean one thing: Renjun plans to pick up someone at the club and spend the night with them. 

And that’s okay too. Jeno will tag along as a wingman of some sort and then head home when he’s certain that Renjun hasn’t gone off with some creep that might take advantage of him. 

After making sure that Renjun has eaten dinner, they have pre-drinks at Zova. As Renjun complains about his major work, Jeno worries that his small frame might explode with anger. Apparently, Renjun’s tutor had been subtly hinting at him to change the direction of his work for about a fortnight now. 

“I hate people who just hint at things. Just come up to me and _tell_ me, you know? It’s not that hard, god. It's the twenty-first century and people are still ass at communicating,” Renjun grumbles angrily. 

“Is this the one where you need me to model for you?” Jeno pipes up, stirring his gin and tonic with the small paper straw they stuck in the glass for him. 

“No, this is a different one.” Renjun lets out a mighty sigh and props his elbow up on the table. He leans his left cheek against his palm. Renjun looks so small right there and then. All Jeno wants to do is pat his head and tell him that everything will work out okay, especially with how hard Renjun always works. “I have to do two major works this semester, remember? They both count for ninety percent of my grades.” 

Jeno hums sympathetically. While Renjun doesn’t have mid-semester and end-semester exams like Jeno, he carries a heavyweight on his shoulders. Jeno can’t imagine having to work on a project throughout the whole semester and to be graded solely—or mostly—by his performance with that one piece of work. 

Renjun is doing well though, even if he denies it all the time. Jeno has met some of Renjun’s friends who also study visual arts and they’re nowhere near as organised as Renjun is. Yangyang is a prime example; he always leaves his work until the last minute, though somehow he still manages to create beautiful works and score decent grades. 

At about nine, Renjun decides that he’s tipsy enough to leave Zova. He loops an arm around Jeno’s waist and giggles as he presses himself against Jeno’s side. Jeno steadies him, instantly knowing that Renjun is a lot tipsier than he lets on. 

From the first time that Jeno went out for drinks with Renjun, he has known that Renjun becomes very physically affectionate and handsy when tipsy. It’s something that all of their friends have experienced before—Jaemin included, on the rare occasions where he joined them for parties and got looped into babysitting Renjun. 

Renjun is aware of his behaviour, though they’ve never explicitly talked about it. Jeno still tries to draw his boundaries where he can, prying Renjun’s hands off him if they roam and wander. 

“You good to stand on your own?” Jeno asks, unwrapping Renjun’s arm from around his waist as they approach the club. “They might not let you in if they think you’re too drunk.” 

“I’m not drunk at all!” Renjun insists, albeit a little too enthusiastically. 

Jeno squeezes Renjun’s arm. “Hey, hey. Act naturally, alright?” Renjun straightens his back and marches stiffly. “Marching like that is not natural.”

“Bossy,” Renjun huffs.

The security at the door eyes Renjun skeptically, though they manage to enter the club without any problems. Jeno resists the urge to cover his ears, wincing at the volume of the music. Zova plays music all the time but it’s nowhere near as loud as the club. It’s been half a year since they last came clubbing. Perhaps he has gotten used to the collective murmuring of people conversing at Zova so the music at the club sounds particularly loud tonight. 

Renjun often likes to spend some time at the bar before he wanders off to flirt with any attractive strangers that he crosses paths with. Tonight, however, Renjun makes a beeline for the dance floor the moment they step foot inside the club.

“Renjun!” Jeno shouts, reaching out blindly to grab Renjun’s arm. After a few tries, he successfully wraps his hand around Renjun’s wrist. “Where are you going?” 

“Huh?” Renjun shouts back. He cups a hand to his ear and leans closer to Jeno. 

“Where are you going?” Jeno asks right into Renjun’s ear. 

“To dance, of course!” Renjun replies with an eye roll, acting like it’s the most obvious thing to do. People do dance at the club but it’s unlike Renjun to dive right into the crowd. 

Renjun curls a hand around the back of Jeno’s head and without warning, he presses himself against Jeno’s body. His lips graze Jeno’s neck as he tilts his chin upwards. They’re standing at the edge of the dance floor and even then, they’re completely surrounded by people. 

Jeno shivers at the feeling of Renjun’s lips against the shell of his ear. He feels a puff of warm air escape Renjun’s lips before he speaks. 

“You should find someone to fuck,” Renjun says crudely. He grinds his hips slowly against Jeno’s. “It’ll be a shame if you have to go home alone tonight because you’re so pretty.” 

Renjun’s hand glides down his back and dips under Jeno’s shirt. Even as Renjun’s fingers ghost along Jeno’s back then travels to the front to feel his abdomen, Jeno remains painfully aware that Renjun’s hips are still aligned with his. Jeno feels his dick harden and he squeezes his eyes shut, praying that Renjun is too drunk to notice. 

When Renjun’s hand grazes down Jeno’s navel and continues to travel south, Jeno cracks his eyes open, suddenly afraid that Renjun will palm at his dick through his pants. 

“Renjun,” Jeno chokes out, his hand chasing after Renjun’s. “Renjun—” 

Renjun withdraws his hand abruptly and tucks his other hand into Jeno’s jean pocket. “Relax,” he grins, patting Jeno’s butt gently. “Have fun, don’t worry about me!” 

Then Renjun is backing away, his smaller frame slipping past a couple of dancing girls. He disappears into the crowd and leaves Jeno behind, half-hard and gaping. When Jeno regains his senses, he checks his pocket and realises that Renjun had slipped a condom inside. 

“Fuck,” he shouts, running a hand through his hair. He’s going to lose his mind. 

He doesn’t even have the time to feel embarrassed about getting a fucking _erection_ from his best friend pressing himself against him. Jeno dives right into the crowd, in the direction that Renjun had disappeared off to. He needs to find Renjun and take him home. Renjun is clearly too drunk to be making sensible decisions and Jeno doesn’t know what he will do if someone takes advantage of Renjun in this state and hurts him. 

Jeno loses track of the time as he searches the area for Renjun. He circles round and round the club, eyes flying over the crowds of people. It’s impossible to find Renjun in a club this size—especially with Renjun dressed in all black tonight. He runs into someone during one of his rounds near the bar, ramming his shoulder into the stranger’s chest and spilling their drink. 

“I’m so sorry!” Jeno apologises, scrambling for the stack of tissues on the counter to hand them over to the stranger. 

“It’s not a problem,” the stranger reassures him, graciously accepting the tissues. Thankfully it’s a minor spill on their jacket. The stranger easily soaks up the majority of the spilt liquid with the tissues. “I’ve seen you wander around the club a few times now, are you alright? You look a bit distressed.” 

“Oh,” Jeno blinks at the stranger, finally taking in their appearance. They’re a little taller than Jeno, though not as tall as Yukhei. They stare down at Jeno with gentle eyes, a hint of concern on their face. “I’m okay, just—looking for someone.” 

“Do you need help finding them?” 

Jeno shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks. I’m really sorry about your jacket.” 

“Hey, don’t worry. It’s no big deal.” The stranger’s lips draw back into a charming smile. “Will you let me buy you a drink?”

“Shouldn’t I be buying you a drink? I was the one who spilt your drink,” Jeno says, mildly confused.

“I can’t possibly let someone as good looking as you buy me a drink,” the stranger says, still smiling brightly. They lift their jacket to show Jeno the damp spot where he had just spilt his drink. “Let me get you something and we can call it even?” 

Jeno is used to declining strangers but he still feels pretty bad about this person’s jacket, even though they already said that it’s not a big deal. “Okay,” he agrees hesitantly. 

“What would you like?” they ask, gesturing for Jeno to follow him closer to the bar. They remain a polite distance away from Jeno, conscious of how close their hand is to Jeno’s body. Their hand hovers over Jeno’s arm but doesn’t touch him. 

“Vodka sunrise,” Jeno says, thinking back to that time Renjun bought him the same drink. It’s his favourite and go-to drink after all. 

The stranger nods, “One vodka sunrise for…?” They raise their eyebrow, an expectant look on their face. 

“Jeno. I’m Jeno.” 

“Lovely to meet you, Jeno. I’m Guanheng.” The hand that Guanheng offers for the handshake is nice and warm.

Guanheng buys Jeno a drink and they converse pleasantly for a while. He likes how Guanheng manages to be flirty while still being a complete gentleman. Jeno has been approached many times at bars and clubs, but he has to admit, this is the only time that he has felt truly comfortable spending his night with someone that he had just met for the first time. 

He learns that they attend the same university and that Guanheng is a fourth-year student majoring in Accounting and Finance. Although Jeno genuinely has an enjoyable time with Guanheng, Renjun remains at the back of his mind. Every now and then, he scans the faces around him. He tries to be as subtle as he can, to not offend Guanheng for being so distracted, but Renjun is nowhere to be seen. 

“Can I have your number?” Guanheng asks, midway through their conversation about their studies. 

“Huh?” Jeno whips his head back around to stare at Guanheng. 

For a moment, Jeno wonders if Renjun’s suggestion for Jeno to bring someone home tonight will come true. Although his mind has been plagued with thoughts of Renjun, Jeno has just enough space left in his brain to think that Guanheng is very attractive. Not only does he look handsome, he’s also got a great smile and a lovely personality. Totally Jeno’s type. But Guanheng doesn’t seem like someone who would be interested in one night stands though. 

“Can I have your number?” Guanheng repeats patiently. “You seem a bit distracted. I think it’ll be best if I leave you to look for your friend. But if you’re interested, I’d like to meet with you again—maybe for lunch?” 

“I’m happy to give you my number but…” Jeno scratches the back of his neck. “I just want you to know that I’m not interested in dating right now.”

Despite being turned down, the smile on Guanheng’s face remains. “That’s okay,” Guanheng says, “I’d still like to be friends with you.” 

They exchange numbers and right as Jeno finishes the last of his drink, he spots Renjun near the entrance of the club. 

“It was really lovely meeting you today, Guanheng,” Jeno says hastily. He keeps his eyes glued to the back of Renjun’s head, afraid that if he looks away, Renjun will disappear. “Thank you for the drink. I’ll see you around?” 

Sensing that Jeno is in a rush to leave, Guanheng flashes him another smile. He nods his head towards the club entrance, urging Jeno to go. Jeno clambers to his feet and sends him a small wave before dashing in Renjun’s direction. He gets stuck behind a group of young girls who are conversing loudly and slowly making their way out of the club. 

When Jeno finally shoves his way out of the club, Renjun is gone again. He searches the area, looking up and down the street. Drunk Renjun moves slowly because he gets easily fascinated and distracted by various things on the streets so he hopes to catch up with Renjun. 

There’s a distinct temperature difference between the streets and the club. While it was hot and uncomfortable inside the club, the air of the Spring night feels cool against Jeno’s skin and he’s glad that he brought a jacket with him tonight. Jeno takes a wild guess and stumbles down the dim street in the direction of Zova bar, examining the faces that he passes by.

A taxi pulls over in the distance and Jeno finally catches a glimpse of Renjun. He’s not alone though. He stares helplessly as Renjun clambers into the back of the taxi with another man. Jeno picks up his pace, walking briskly towards the taxi. The man that Renjun is with is slender—his stature is quite similar to Renjun’s—but he is slightly taller than Renjun. The passenger door shuts before Jeno gets a good look at the other man.

The car speeds off in the opposite direction and Jeno is left standing on the footpath as defeat bleeds through his body.

***

Renjun doesn’t bring up what happened the night before so Jeno doesn’t pry.

Renjun leaves him two text messages though. One bright and early in the morning to let Jeno know that he has arrived back at his dorm safely, and another two hours later to ask if Jeno is free to come over on Sunday afternoon to be his model. 

Jeno burrows back under his blanket after replying to Renjun with a brief, ‘Sure!’, coupled with an animated sticker of a happy puppy wagging its tail.

He sleeps in until late afternoon, only getting out of bed when someone repeatedly pounds on his front door. Jeno pulls on a clean shirt and the pair of pyjama pants he wore two nights ago.

“Coming!” Jeno shouts, praying for the knocking to stop; it’s giving him an awful headache. He opens the door to find Jaemin with an annoyed expression on his face. “Jaemin?”

“Someone could be hosting a live concert right outside your bedroom window and you’d sleep right through it,” Jaemin grumbles, pushing past Jeno to let himself inside. 

Kicking his shoes off, Jaemin sets down a shopping bag filled with food and his khaki-coloured bag—the one he uses to carry the materials he needs for the scaled models he makes for his assignments. 

Jeno blinks at him and shuts the door behind him quietly. “What are you doing here?” 

“To babysit you because something is obviously wrong,” Jaemin replies without a second thought. He makes himself at home and goes about unpacking the shopping bag in Jeno’s kitchenette. 

Not understanding why Jaemin thinks something is wrong, Jeno says, “Nothing’s wrong? I’m just hungover from last night.” 

“You’re an idiot if you think that I still don’t know what you’re like when you’re upset after being friends with you for nine years,” Jaemin snaps, pushing Jeno away from the groceries and forcing him into a chair at the small dining table. He shoves a Subway sandwich into Jeno’s hands and perches his hands on either side of his hips. “Eat,” he demands. “We’ll talk after you’ve eaten.” 

Jeno shrugs. Jaemin still doesn't make any sense but Jeno’s not going to complain when there’s free food. Jaemin stares him down until he takes a large bite out of his sandwich. It’s a roast beef sub with a good variety of vegetables. Jeno’s not overly surprised that Jaemin got the beef part of his order right because they had Subway together all the time back in high school, but Jaemin still adds capsicum in Jeno’s sub—even though he knows that Jeno hates capsicum. 

Jeno eats the whole thing anyway, capsicum included, because Jaemin looks like he’s one small inconvenience away from losing his shit. Jaemin watches him like a hawk as he takes a few more bites before turning back to the groceries. 

Jaemin clicks his tongue as he puts away bags of fresh fruit in Jeno’s fridge. “Do you even eat? Your fridge is empty.”

“You sound just like my mother. Maybe you’re actually a middle-aged person deep down,” Jeno sniggers into his hand. 

“Or maybe we’re responsible, functioning adults who actually take care of ourselves,” Jaemin shoots back and Jeno nearly chokes on a piece of beef. 

When Jaemin is done in the kitchen, he takes a seat across from Jeno and begins to unpack his bag. He pulls out his utility knife and gets right to work, cutting out thin pieces of wood and foam for the model he was working on yesterday. 

“What happened with Renjun last night?” Jaemin asks gently when Jeno polishes off the last of his sandwich. 

To Jeno’s relief, Jaemin packs away the knife in hand. Jaemin wouldn’t hurt him but better safe than sorry. Accidents happen in heated discussions or arguments after all. 

When it becomes clear that Jeno is reluctant to reply, Jaemin continues, “I know you missed your lab this morning.” 

“How—” Jeno begins. 

Jaemin cuts him off. “Mark told me. He had to tell the lab professor… tutor, instructor—whoever was in charge—that you had a fever. You better email them before you get a failing grade for missing a compulsory lab.” 

“Fuck,” Jeno hisses under his breath. He had completely forgotten that he had classes this morning. He was so used to going out on Friday nights with Renjun that he had forgotten that it was Thursday yesterday. “It’s okay, I’m permitted to miss one or two labs for sick days and I haven’t missed any so far.” 

He waits for Jaemin to say something like, “You shouldn’t have gone out last night,” or “I told you so,” but these words never come. Jaemin sighs and doesn’t utter another word. In Jeno’s opinion, Jaemin seething in silence is worse than if Jaemin had blown up and yelled at him for being irresponsible. 

“Nothing happened with Renjun last night. He’s okay,” Jeno says slowly. 

“I know. Renjun replied to my text this morning and told me that he got home safely. Can you please be honest and tell me why you’re so upset?” Jaemin replies in a low voice. 

Jeno clamps his mouth shut. He knows that Jaemin is worried—he can sense it—but he doesn’t understand why Jaemin is so persistent today. “Only if you tell me how you knew I was home.” 

What Jeno wants to know exactly is how Jaemin knew he was upset. He’s not sure if he’s ready to admit that he really is upset though, to himself and Jaemin. 

“You read my texts from last night and this morning but didn’t reply to me. Mark said you weren’t in class today and no one has seen you on campus all day. I just took a wild guess.” 

“Did you tell Renjun?” Jeno presses. 

“No, I didn’t. Now, will you tell me?” Rubbing his face with one hand, Jaemin sighs again.

Mirroring Jaemin, Jeno lets out a sigh. He deflates, feeling the discomfort escape with his exhaling breath. 

“Nothing out of the norm happened. We went to Zova then Renjun insisted on going clubbing. I lost sight of him at the club,” Jeno recounts, omitting the part about Renjun pressing himself against him. “When I found him, he was getting in a taxi with some stranger. They probably fucked.” He surprises himself a little with how bitter he sounds, particularly when he said that last sentence. 

“Everything makes sense now,” Jaemin mutters under his breath. 

Jeno holds back a bad joke about the two of them having a sighing party as Jaemin sighs once again. He leaves Jaemin to his thoughts for a moment, blocking out his own thoughts because he’s not ready to think about it just yet. 

“I know you don’t want me to say it,” Jaemin begins slowly, “but you and I both know very well that you’re upset because Renjun made you worried to death and then left with a stranger.” 

Jaemin’s right. Jeno doesn’t want to hear it. He wants to crawl back in bed and stay there until the discomfort in his chest subsides. The way that they confront their own problems has always been the biggest difference between Jeno and Jaemin. While Jaemin prefers to face his problems head-on, Jeno needs time to process his situations before he can decide on an appropriate solution that he can mentally manage. 

“How long?” Jaemin asks. “How long have you been feeling uncomfortable about Renjun sleeping with other people, Donghyuck included?” 

Jeno is a little taken aback that Jaemin knows about Donghyuck and Renjun’s relationship. But then again, they don’t do a particularly good job keeping their hands off each other when Donghyuck’s single.

“I don’t know,” Jeno admits truthfully. The discomfort has probably been at the back of his mind for a while now, though he never really noticed it until last night. “What Renjun does in bed with other people should be none of my business.” 

Renjun might share his personal life with Jeno, sometimes in detail, but that doesn’t mean it should affect Jeno. After all, they’re just friends.

Fed up with Jeno talking in circles and avoiding his questions with clever responses, Jaemin confronts Jeno, laying out his real concern clearly on the table. 

“Jeno, you’re head over heels for Renjun. You need to address your feelings for Renjun. It’s not healthy for you to go on like this.” Jaemin sounds so concerned, almost distressed, and it makes Jeno feel guilty. 

Jeno covers his face, despite knowing very well that he can hide his view of the world but he can’t hide from his feelings. 

“Alright, I’ll think about it. I need time—I can’t think right now,” he whispers. 

The chair screeches against the wooden floorboards as Jaemin stands. He rounds the table to envelop Jeno in a hug. Jaemin’s arms feel warm and comfortable around him and Jeno wishes they could stay in this position until he feels better. 

“Let’s rest your mind for a few hours. What do you want to do? Play a game? Watch a movie?” Jaemin suggests, sounding a lot more cheerful than earlier. “Choose whatever you want to do and I’ll join you.” 

“Really?” Jeno whispers. 

“Really,” Jaemin replies, certainty in his voice. 

“What about the model you have to make by Monday?” 

Jaemin helps Jeno to his feet and they migrate over to Jeno’s bed. “I’d be napping at home right now if I wasn’t over here. I need a break from my model too.” Jaemin leaves Jeno’s side briefly to retrieve his laptop from his bag. “Movie?” 

As the opening scene of the movie plays on Jaemin’s laptop, Jeno rests his head against Jaemin’s shoulder and whispers, “You’re the best, Jaemin. You know that?” 

“I look forward to receiving the ‘best friend of the year’ award on my birthday,” Jaemin smiles down at him as he pats Jeno’s head gently.

***

Jeno feels much better by the time Sunday comes around. He hasn’t fully come to terms about his boundaries with Renjun and how he really feels about him, but he’s working on it.

Renjun proposes to meet at his dorm because it saves him from booking a room at the art studio on campus and having to lug all his art equipment there. Jeno was hoping that Jisung would be home but Renjun’s younger roommate had gone out for the day. 

Renjun bustles around his dorm, rearranging furniture and fussing until Jeno is seated comfortably with a mug of hot tea in his lap. Renjun erects the easel that he stores under his bed and carefully positions it in front of Jeno. The easel is slightly smaller than the ones Jeno has seen Renjun use on campus. 

“So I met this guy called Ten,” Renjun hums, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. He’s sorting out his paintbrushes, drawing them close to his eyes to examine the tips carefully. Jeno thought they were just sketching today, not painting. 

“Ten?” 

“Yeah, Ten. We met on Thursday night after we went to Zova. I met him on the dance floor after we parted ways and we danced for a bit. He was so good at dancing!” Renjun recounts in an excited voice. “He was so lovely and charming. We stayed near the bar for a bit and he bought me two—maybe three—drinks before we went back to his apartment.”

Jeno nods quietly. He knew that sooner or later, Renjun would’ve told him what happened on Thursday night. Now that he’s sober and not desperately searching for Renjun, he takes the news about Renjun’s one night stand a lot better. 

“God he was so good, you have no idea,” Renjun sighs dreamily. “He was four or five years older than me and the experience really showed… Also dancers? Their hips don’t lie.”

“Okay that’s enough, I don’t need to hear about what happened in detail,” Jeno says in mild panic, covering his ears. 

Renjun sets aside his brushes and skips over to pull Jeno’s hands away. When Jeno’s hands refuse to budge, Renjun continues anyway. “I let him fuck me because I usually top with Donghyuck,” Renjun all but shouts. 

Thank goodness Jisung isn’t here to hear all this because Jeno would be protecting _his_ ears instead. Jeno has no idea what Jisung does in his spare time but he hopes he’s a lot more responsible than they were back in their first year of university. 

Jeno lifts a hand off his ear to bat at Renjun’s head. “Get away!” Jeno screeches.

“Alright, alright,” Renjun pulls away with a loud chortle. “I’m just teasing because you’re acting like you’ve never slept with anyone before.” 

Afraid that Renjun will revert to recounting his one night stand, Jeno keeps his hands on his ears. “Yeah, I’ve fucked before but that doesn’t mean I want to hear about your sex life.” Jeno’s voice resonates differently with his ears covered. 

“You’re so mean sometimes,” Renjun sniffs. “We always talk about my sex life during our Zova runs. Like, all the time.” He exaggerates the ‘all’ in his sentence, dragging out the sounds. 

Jeno tentatively lowers his hands. He leaves them hovering near his head, just in case. “We talk about you and Donghyuck but not what you do in bed.” 

“Fine, I won’t say anymore.” Renjun’s lips curve into a small pout. “I stand by what I said though. Dancers.” He wiggles his eyebrows and Jeno pretends to not see. 

Renjun drops the topic after that and gets to work. He removes Jeno’s half-empty mug of tea and leaves it on his bedside table. Jeno swallows hard, suppressing his thoughts about kissing Renjun as he leans closer to angle Jeno’s head. Up close, Renjun’s lips look more kissable than usual.

“Donghyuck and Chenle are having a party at their apartment tonight. Wanna come with me?” Renjun hums. He tilts Jeno’s chin a little more, “Yes that looks so good, stay still like that.” 

“What’s the occasion?”

Renjun’s face is so close right now Jeno can smell him. Renjun smells like fresh laundry, with a hint of jasmine. It’s a scent that Jeno is all too familiar with. Even when he pulls back a little to evaluate Jeno’s positioning, his scent remains.

“Do they need a reason to throw a party?” Renjun smiles, “I think free alcohol and pizza is enough of a reason.” 

Jeno has been to enough parties hosted by their university friends to know that the alcohol is never free. They usually split the cost the next morning, but at least it’s cheaper than buying individual drinks at a bar or a club. 

“Jaemin is coming tonight,” Renjun mentions with a knowing smirk. He knows that he has already won Jeno over. 

Jeno groans loudly. Renjun holds his head in place and flashes him a look of warning.

“Don’t move your head,” Renjun says sternly. 

Jeno hates that Renjun knows him so well. He understands how to entice Jeno and knows exactly how to convince him when he is hesitant or reluctant. And Jaemin is Jeno’s number one weakness—after free food, of course.

At every point of the semester, whether it be the start, middle, or the end, Jaemin is always swamped by his coursework so he never has time to join them for parties. Jeno seizes every opportunity he can get to see Jaemin and studying with him is the only way that Jeno gets quality alone time with his best friend these days.

“I was going to go to bed early tonight,” Jeno mutters, his mind whirring noisily as it debates on whether he values sleep or time with Jaemin more. To be honest, he’s still exhausted from Thursday night—he didn’t get a wink of sleep that night until he received Renjun’s text in the morning—and from studying for his mid-semester exams which are in less than a week’s time.

“Don’t think so hard,” Renjun chirps from behind his canvas, “just come!” He picks through his tin of lead pencils until he finds the pencil he’s looking for. 

“I don’t have time to go home and get changed,” Jeno protests weakly. 

“What you’re wearing looks fine.” Renjun looks at him up and down then turns back to his canvas. “I’d lend you my clothes but I don’t think you’d fit in any of them.” 

“Stop talking to me, I think I might accidentally move if you say another word,” Jeno whines. He never knew that staying still took this much effort. His plan to obtain three free meals effortlessly doesn't seem all that effortless anymore. “I’ll think about it while you draw.” 

Renjun chortles at him and Jeno revels in the sound of his laughter. They remain silent for the next hour. Renjun’s eyebrows are pinched in concentration as he sketches, his eyes absorbing every minor detail that he sees on Jeno’s face.

“Let’s go out for dinner together,” Renjun proposes when Jeno returns from his quick toilet break. 

“You’re not going to sketch anymore?” 

Renjun shakes his head and packs his easel away. “I got the main stuff down for this work. I need to make a small collection of works centred around a person through the different mediums we’ve been studying. Can you come by again on Wednesday night?” 

Jeno gulps down the rest of his tea. Even though it has gone cold, it still tastes alright. Jeno’s not fussed about his tea like Jaemin is. As usual, Renjun covers the canvas he was working on to prevent Jeno from seeing his work in progress. 

“We’ll head out in five minutes. I’m going to get changed.” 

And that’s the only warning Jeno gets before Renjun is tugging his jumper over his head. Jeno coughs on the last sip of his tea, though Renjun doesn’t seem to notice this. He’s too engrossed in choosing his outfit for the night, murmuring to himself as he sifts through his clothes in the wardrobe. 

When Jeno stops coughing, he dares himself to look in Renjun’s direction again. As he rakes his eyes over Renjun’s naked back, he immediately wishes he hadn’t taken a second look. Even from where Jeno is standing on the other side of Renjun’s room, he can see that the back of Renjun’s neck is marked up. The hickeys have started to fade but they still look fresh enough for Jeno to know who had given them to Renjun. There’s no doubt that they’re from Thursday night. 

“Ah!” Renjun exclaims, sounding rather pleased with himself. “I haven’t worn this shirt in a while.” He pulls on the shirt and covers up the hickeys once again. The hickeys are low enough that even Renjun’s t-shirt can cover them well. 

Jeno clears his throat and raises his mug. “Where do I leave this?” 

“Just on my bedside table. I’ll wash it when I get back,” Renjun smiles pleasantly, crossing the room to take the mug from Jeno. 

They have ramen for dinner because it’s the first place that they walk past on their way to the metro station from Renjun’s dorm. Jeno forgets that Renjun had promised to pay for his food in return for being a model until Renjun fights to pay at the counter. They make another detour to buy waffles for dessert before they head to the station to travel to Donghyuck’s apartment. 

“What’s it like living alone?” Renjun asks once they’re on the metro. “I kind of want to move into a studio apartment like yours.” 

“Lonely,” Jeno replies, “but then when I think back to your stories about your last roommate I’m glad that I live alone.” 

“Hey, roommates aren’t all bad. Jisung is a great roommate. It all depends on your luck,” Renjun shares thoughtfully, picking the lint off his shirt. “I miss cooking in my own space. The common kitchen at my dorm is disgusting. People don’t clean up after themselves.”

“You’re welcome to use my kitchenette whenever you want,” Jeno offers. “I think I’ve used it about three times since I moved into my place. Once to reheat soup and the other times, I’m pretty sure it was to make instant noodles.”

“Your eating habits are terrible,” Renjun wrinkles his nose. “We should move in together so I can cook for you.” 

A nervous laugh escapes Jeno and the conversation about accommodation ends there. Ten minutes later when they’re alighting the metro, Jeno’s insides are still burning up from Renjun’s comment about moving in together. 

The station is packed with people and on their way out, they run into Jaemin and Yukhei. Together, they make their way to Donghyuck and Chenle's apartment.

***

The apartment is packed to the brim by the time the four of them arrive. It’s barely seven in the evening and the number of people who are at Donghyuck’s party is insane. Jeno wonders how long the party will last before Donghyuck’s neighbours make a complaint.

Renjun disappears into the crowd to find Donghyuck. Figuring that he doesn’t want a repeat of Thursday night, Jeno leaves him be. He drags Jaemin around to find the drinks and Yukhei trails after them. They huddle around the kitchen counter and each take a shot of vodka to start their night off.

“Do you want one?” Yukhei offers a can of beer to Jeno.

“I’m good,” Jeno shakes his head. “I don’t drink beer.” 

“Oh, really?” Yukhei raises an eyebrow curiously. “What do you usually drink then?” He offers the can to Jaemin instead. 

“Spirits, mostly. Jeno doesn’t like the taste of wine or beer,” Jaemin pipes up for him as he accepts the can of beer. 

“But stuff like vodka tastes okay?” Yukhei laughs in mild disbelief. 

“I mean it’s not the nicest thing I’ve drunk in my life but it’s better than drinking that stuff.” Jeno nods his head to the stash of beer beside them. He pours a good amount of vodka—a lot more than one shot but he wants to loosen up and get drunk quickly tonight—into a clean cup and mixes it with the bottle of coke on the counter. 

Renjun wanders back to them with Donghyuck’s new boyfriend in tow. 

“Hey!” Renjun beams. “Have you guys met Jungwoo yet?” 

Jungwoo greets them politely and Renjun introduces them to him one by one. When they get to Jeno, Jungwoo’s face lights up in recognition. 

“I’ve actually heard about you before,” Jungwoo says, much to Jeno’s surprise.

“Really?” Renjun pipes up, surprised as well. “Through Donghyuck?” 

“No, through a mutual friend. He was in the year above me and he graduated two years ago,” Jungwoo says to Renjun. Then, turning to Jeno, he continues, “Do you know Jung Jaehyun? He studied engineering as well and majored in computer science.” 

Jeno nods eagerly, “I know Jaehyun. He was my mentor for the subject everyone had to do in first year. The one with that group assignment where we all got assigned a leader from fourth year.” 

“I heard from Jaehyun,” Jungwoo smiles. He refills the cup in his hand with some soft drink. “He said you’re an elec major?” 

“Yeah, what about you?” Jeno asks. 

“Computer science and elec.”

“Wow, double major,” Renjun comments. “Impressive.” 

“It’s hell. Five years of uni? I’m more than ready to get the heck out of here,” Jungwoo replies with an exasperated sigh. They all break into a chorus of laughter.

Jeno has a nice, long conversation with Jungwoo on the sofa until Donghyuck appears and asks to speak to Jungwoo privately. He offers his spot on the sofa to Donghyuck and leaves to find Renjun and Jaemin. They had left sometime during his conversation with Jungwoo to play some drinking game with Chenle. 

He runs into Yukhei and Chenle in the kitchen and they invite him to join them for shots. 

“Sure,” Jeno agrees. He’s a little tipsy right now and feeling a little elevated. Other than that, he doesn’t really feel the effects of alcohol. 

They have two shots of tequila together and as Jeno turns to leave the kitchen, Chenle asks him, “Hey, do you guys want whiskey? I’ve got a bottle in my room. You can have some.” 

“Ooh, that stuff’s expensive,” Yukhei says. “I’ll have some.” 

Chenle mentions something about not wanting people to break into his secret stash so he moved ‘the good stuff’ to his room before the party started. He ducks out of the kitchen to retrieve the hidden bottle from his room.

“God, I hope he doesn’t walk in on anyone doing stuff on his bed,” Jeno murmurs to Yukhei as they search the fridge for the leftover bag of ice. 

“Don’t worry, he told me that he locks his room when they host parties,” Yukhei says pushing aside a bag of frozen peas and an unopened tub of chocolate chip ice cream. “Found it!” he cheers triumphantly. 

“Oh good, you found the ice,” Chenle pants, rushing back into the kitchen. “Quick, get me three clean glasses. I have to put this away before anyone else sees it and asks for some.” 

Unable to find any unused, clean glasses, Jeno opts for rinsing the used ones in the sink. They clink glasses and take a sip together once Chenle is done pouring the whiskey. 

“Alright, I’m out,” Chenle salutes and retreats into his room with the bottle of whiskey tucked under his arm. “Enjoy the rest of the party.” 

“Where are you going?” Yukhei calls after him.

“To sleep!” 

Jeno and Yukhei share a glance. “Maybe he’s a sleepy drunk?” Jeno shrugs. Abruptly recalling his search for his best friends, Jeno asks Yukhei, “Have you seen Renjun or Jaemin anywhere?” 

“Haven’t seen Jaemin.” Yukhei taps his chin as he thinks hard. “Last time I saw Renjun was about an hour ago. He was _really_ drunk so you might want to check up on him.” 

“Ah, shit,” Jeno groans, downing the rest of his whiskey. It burns his throat and tastes disgusting. “Pass me the coke.” 

Yukhei grabs the near-empty bottle of soft drink from his left and passes it to Jeno. “You sure about drinking this stuff quickly?” Yukhei winces. “It’s kinda strong.” 

Jeno gulps down the rest of the coke. “Nope, would not recommend doing that.” He pats Yukhei on the back and snags a handful of potato chips on his way out of the kitchen. “Aight, see you bud. I need to find Renjun and get him home.” 

The search for Renjun becomes harder by the minute. Donghyuck’s apartment has fewer people now but Jeno still has many faces to search. One moment, he’s feeling mildly tipsy and then the next, he begins to feel drunker with every step he takes. 

“Holy shit,” Jeno gasps. He pauses in his steps and presses a palm against the closest wall. 

There’s a persistent knocking sound in the background so Jeno takes a few more steps to get away from it. He can’t tell if the sound gets louder or softer but he tries to escape anyway. When he scoots past a bedroom door and hears a moan from the other side of the door, the realisation dawns on him. 

“What the fuck,” Jeno mutters to himself, “I gotta get out of here.” 

The moaning gets louder and the more Jeno hears it, the more it sounds like Donghyuck. Slapping his hands over his ears, he stumbles down the hallway, desperately praying that he’s hearing things because he’s drunk. 

Donghyuck and Chenle’s apartment feels like a maze right now and Jeno swears that it wasn’t this difficult to find his way around the last time he came over for a party. The bathroom door is wide open when he passes by. At the sight of the toilet, he feels a sudden urge to pee. 

He shuts the door but the lock seems broken and the door won’t lock. Jeno leaves it unlocked, figuring that he’ll be done within a few seconds so the chances of someone barging in on him should be low. Jeno is proud of himself for remembering to flush the toilet and wash his hands after he’s done. 

Through the bathroom mirror, he spots a spacious bathtub. His brain is clouded and his vision is a little fuzzy.

“I need one of these,” Jeno says aloud as he marvels at the bathtub. His apartment barely has a space for a shower, let alone a bathtub. 

The bathtub looks comfortable and welcoming so Jeno hops in. The length of the tub is a little too short for his body but he still fits inside comfortably with his legs slightly folded. He draws out his phone from his pocket and tries to send Renjun a text message. The words on the screen swim around and the number of typos he makes frustrates him to no end. Before he finishes composing the text, someone disrupts him with a call. 

“What?” Jeno barks into the phone without checking who it is.

The person on the other side of the phone asks, “Where are you?”

“Who’s this? You’ve called the wrong number.” Jeno shifts to end the call. He really needs to send that text to Renjun. 

“It’s Jaemin! Where are you?” 

“Oh,” Jeno presses the phone to his ear again, “I’m in the bathtub.”

“The _what_?” 

Jeno giggles, putting Jaemin on loudspeaker, “The bathtub. Jaemin, we should both get a bathtub each. It’s so comfortable.” 

“Oh my god, I’m coming to get you.” Jaemin’s voice echoes loudly in the bathroom. There’s loud rustling on Jaemin’s end then the call ends. 

Within a minute, Jaemin comes bursting through the bathroom door. Someone trails in after him, though Jeno doesn’t catch a good look of who it is. 

“Jeno, what are you doing?” Jaemin whines, marching right for the bathtub.

“Jaem, it’s so comfortable!” Jeno tilts his head back and watches Jaemin’s face appear in view.

“He’s so drunk right now.” Chenle’s face pops up beside Jaemin’s. “Probably shouldn’t have given him the whiskey.” 

“You gave him what?” Jaemin whips his head around to stare at Chenle. Massaging his head with a sigh, Jaemin turns back to Jeno. “I’m going to take Renjun home because he’s been crying about wanting to sleep in his bed for almost ten minutes now. Can you let Jeno sleepover tonight?”

Chenle ponders for a moment. “Alright, let me get the spare mattress.” 

“I can sleep here,” Jeno chirps, shutting his eyes. 

“No, you’re not sleeping in the bathtub.” Jaemin tugs at Jeno’s arm. “Get up. I need to take Renjun home.”

“Oh, I can take him home.” Jeno climbs to his feet with a giggle. Jaemin helps him out of the bathtub. “I’m like his bodyguard these days. I always have to take him home after we go out drinking,” he jokes lightly as they leave the bathroom. 

“No. I’ll take him home,” Jaemin insists, pushing Jeno back into the bathroom. He leans closer and whispers into Jeno’s ear, “You can’t see Renjun like this. I don’t want you to say something you might regret when you wake up tomorrow morning.”

The urge to giggle is smothered by Jaemin’s words and Jeno plops himself down on the floor with a whine. 

“But I want to kiss him,” Jeno cries. 

Jaemin frowns at him. “I think you should take a break from taking care of Renjun as well.”

Chenle reappears in the bathroom with Yukhei behind him. “Alright, Renjun just escaped through the front door, you need to go get him,” Chenle says urgently to Jaemin. “Don’t worry about his stuff, I’ll drop by his dorm when I meet with Jisung tomorrow.” 

The room spins so Jeno shuts his eyes and pretends he doesn’t know that Jaemin is leaving with Renjun. His best friends are leaving him to fend for himself, even though he’s not all that close with Chenle. They’re abandoning him… eloping? He keeps his eyes clamped shut when someone lifts him and relocates him. 

Someone tucks him in bed and Jeno cracks an eye open to see Yukhei kneeling over him. 

“It’s really hot, can you help me take this off?” Jeno lifts the bottom of his shirt and groans in frustration when it gets stuck around his head. 

“Whoa whoa,” Yukhei says, pulling the shirt off Jeno’s face. But instead of taking Jeno’s shirt off, he puts it back on.

“What are you doing?” Jeno snaps, his hands searching blindly for the bottom of his shirt. 

Yukhei shakes his head. “I didn’t think Jaemin was serious when he told me that you _strip_ when you’re really drunk.” He wraps his hands around Jeno’s wrists securely and draws them away from Jeno’s shirt. “Listen, Chenle’s going to sleep on the ground tonight and he’s going to get a heart attack if he finds you naked.” 

“Hey, can you come closer?” Jeno lowers his voice, unable to draw his eyes away from Yukhei’s face. 

“Huh? What’s up?” Yukhei asks, loosening his hold around Jeno’s wrists. He leans closer, tilting his head a little and offers one of his ears like he’s expecting Jeno to tell him a secret. 

Jeno grabs Yukhei’s face and turns his head so that they’re facing each other. 

“Hey, what—” 

Jeno drags Yukhei’s head down and aligns his lips with Yukhei’s. At first, Yukhei is too stunned to react but as Jeno moves his lips, Yukhei responds and kisses him back. 

With every press of Yukhei’s lips, Jeno loses himself. He sees himself floating on fluffy clouds and his world feels so light, so wonderful. They kiss and kiss and kiss, until Yukhei seemingly disappears from the room and Jeno thinks that he’s kissing Renjun.

Whimpering into the kiss, Jeno shifts a hand down to unbutton his jeans. He kicks his legs and groans when his pants stay on. 

“Get it off, it’s too hot,” Jeno pulls back a little to whine. 

“Woah,” Yukhei gasps, completely out of breath. “I think we should stop here. We shouldn’t do this while you’re so drunk.” 

Jeno opens his eyes, disappointed to see Yukhei—and not Renjun—looking down at him. Yukhei’s eyes are wide and there’s a look akin to concern on his face. They’re still extremely close together; Jeno can feel Yukhei’s breath on his lips.

Leaning back against the pillow tucked behind his head, Jeno searches Yukhei’s face. He has never noticed just how big Yukhei’s eyes are until now. His eyes are gorgeous but they’re nothing like Renjun’s. Yukhei’s lashes aren’t as long as Renjun’s lashes and when he smiles, his eyes don’t curve into half-moons like Renjun’s eyes. 

Despite Jeno’s loud protests about feeling too hot, Yukhei tugs the edge of the blanket until it’s up to Jeno’s chin. “At least keep the blanket on if you’re going to take your clothes off,” Yukhei suggests as he climbs to his feet. “Goodnight Jeno. Sleep well.” 

The room spins as Jeno stares at the ceiling. As he slowly processes what had just happened, his mind clears and he sobers up a little. Yukhei is tall and gorgeous and kisses like a dream but no matter how hard Jeno tries, he just can’t get the image of Renjun out of his head.

***

Jeno’s workload ramps up after the party at Donghyuck and Chenle’s apartment. With back to back mid-semester exams and then assignments due one after another, Jeno loses track of the time and finds himself holed up in his apartment, studying every spare minute in his waking hours.

He doesn’t know if he’s just imagining things but he swears that strands of his hair have been falling out a lot more than usual. He wouldn’t be overly surprised if he woke up one morning to find white hairs sprouting from the amount of stress his degree has put him under. 

Out of all the ways to relieve stress, the most effective method that Jeno can think of that does not involve drinking is to masturbate. At the end of each long day, he strips his clothes off and lays in bed with his hand wrapped tightly around his dick. Sometimes he jerks off twice a day, maybe three times if he feels like it while he’s in the shower. 

At some point—perhaps after his first week of masturbating daily—Renjun begins to appear in his thoughts. Every time he thinks of Renjun grinding against him like he did that time at the club, he comes embarrassingly quick. Eventually, his thoughts stray from these memories of Renjun and his imagination kicks in, feeding him images of Renjun straddling him, sitting in his lap, or holding him down in bed. He never gets around to thinking about fucking Renjun because he always orgasms before his imagination gets there. 

Jeno knows very well that he shouldn’t have such thoughts about his best friend—especially since they’re not fuck buddies or dating. At some point, he considers telling Jaemin exactly what has been happening, but every time he tries to bring it up in a conversation, the courage to speak escapes him and the accumulating guilt consumes him. 

During those moments, his mind convinces him that Jaemin would agree with him and comment that Jeno is a terrible friend for having such thoughts about Renjun. But then when he parts ways with Jaemin after their weekly study session, his thoughts instantly shift and change, like someone had flicked a switch in his mind and turned off his negative voice. At times like this, he is reminded that Jaemin has been his best friend for many years and that he would understand—or at least try to—no matter how terrible Jeno feels right now. The same thoughts circulate his mind at night when he’s laying in bed alone and it nearly drives him mad. 

Unable to face his feelings for Renjun head on with uni practically throwing rocks in his face, Jeno attempts to distance himself from Renjun so he can focus on surviving the semester. He doesn’t have to try too hard because Renjun himself is swamped with his major works. They meet up a few times after Donghyuck’s party so that Jeno can model for Renjun’s works but after that, they haven’t seen each other much.

They still text occasionally and when his stress levels are at its peak, he finds himself appreciating the light-hearted texts that Renjun sends him like, ‘Checking my pulse to see if I’m still alive,’ or ‘I’ve been eating like shit but at least I’m not as bad as you.’ Jeno’s personal favourite is, ‘Not sure if I’m finishing my degree or if it’s finishing me,’ because he relates to that one the most. 

Renjun’s sense of humour is one of Jeno’s (many) favourite things about him and he’s glad that he is still able to appreciate Renjun’s jokes despite the mess he’s been in lately. 

Jeno may be able to design circuits and form coherent plans to fix systematic faults in electrical power systems in class, but he struggles to deal with the broken circuit labelled ‘feelings’ in his life. Sometimes, he visualises his feelings for Renjun like a tangled plastic slinky. Every time he attempts to unwind the plastic loops, it only makes it worse, leaving it more tangled than it was before he picked at it. 

It’s okay though, Jeno thinks sadly, because every tangled slinky loop inside him adores Renjun to bits and that should be enough—even if Renjun doesn’t reciprocate. 

Renjun texts him on a Wednesday night, two weeks before Jeno’s last class of the semester, and asks him what he’s up to tonight. Jeno’s thumbs hover over his phone’s keyboard and the blank text box in their chat room glares back at him. 

“Getting ready to jerk off to the thought of you fucking me,” Jeno mutters to himself sarcastically. 

He can’t say that, of course, so he ends up replying with crying puppy stickers and a vague, ‘crying over my physics notes.’ Renjun reads his message but leaves him waiting for a reply.  
Fifteen minutes later, Jeno stares at his physics notes—abandoned on the floor beside his bed—and wonders if he’s really losing his shit when he envisions himself crying over the stacks of paper because Renjun has stopped replying to him. 

His phone vibrates and he checks it to find an incoming call from Renjun. 

“Hello?” he squeaks into his phone. His breath catches in his throat as he anticipates a reply from the other end. It’s been so long since he last heard Renjun’s voice. 

“Hey!” Renjun chirps enthusiastically, dragging out the last sound in his greeting playfully. “I was going to call you earlier but I had to attend to Jisung.” 

Jeno furrows his brows, confused. “What happened to him?” 

“Just had his first stress cry as a university student,” Renjun replies casually like crying over assignments and upcoming exams is not a big deal. “I told him to take a shower to help him calm down.” 

“Wow, first stress cry,” Jeno hums sympathetically, thinking back to his first year of university. He did really well in high school and was very disciplined when it came to his studies but even he struggled to adjust during his first year. 

“He soldiered on for pretty long, in my opinion,” Renjun muses. “I’m pretty sure I cried after my second week of class.” Loud rustling travels through Jeno’s phone and Jeno wonders if Renjun is rolling around in his bed. “Jisung will be fine though. He’s doing really well but he’s a little too hard on himself at times.” 

Jeno stares at the crack in his ceiling. He is aware that he has very high expectations of himself and because of that, he sees himself in Jisung. If he could turn back time and talk to his younger self, he would reassure him and tell him that he was doing well.

“Tell him that I think that he’ll pass with flying colours,” Jeno says as he rolls over onto his side. 

“Will do, boss,” Renjun replies. The rustling returns and he hears the faint sound of Renjun humming to himself. “Hang on!” Renjun calls in the distance like he is far away from his phone. 

After a pause, Jeno hears Renjun again. This time, his voice sounds louder and closer.

“Sorry, Jisung needed a towel,” Renjun explains. 

“How’s your major work going?” Jeno asks, genuinely curious. He hasn’t thought about it for a while now but he’s really looking forward to seeing the works he modelled for. He wonders what he looks like from Renjun’s eyes. 

“It’s coming along. I’m finalising some of my pieces so the next fortnight shouldn’t be too stressful.” 

“Can I be the first to see it when you’re done?” Jeno pleads though he doesn’t put much hope into the request. Renjun critiques his own work harshly and the works that Renjun is not satisfied with often disappear from his collection before anyone gets to see it.

He is pleasantly surprised when Renjun agrees.

“Sure,” Renjun says, “you were the model so you deserve to see it first.” 

It’s a simple promise but it leaves Jeno feeling giddy. It cheers him up instantly and he forgets about the new physics concepts that he struggled with all evening. 

“Why did you choose me to model for you?” Jeno asks. He knows he’s pushing his luck but he’s in a good mood tonight and Renjun sounds like he is too. 

“Well,” Renjun begins like he’s willing to share the answer to Jeno’s question. “If you come to Zova with me on Friday I’ll tell you all about it.” 

“How long has it been since our last Zova run?” Jeno thinks aloud.

“Too long. Way too long.” 

They haven’t gone to Zova since Renjun left Jeno behind at the club. Jeno suppresses a sad laugh by burying his face into his pillow. If Jaemin knew about this, he would stop Jeno from going to Zova with Renjun. But Jeno misses Renjun and he’s desperate to see his face again. 

“Jeno?” Renjun calls softly when Jeno doesn’t reply. Renjun’s voice sounds so gentle and Jeno loves the way Renjun enunciates the sounds in his name. 

Jeno finally rolls over to take a deep breath. “Zova run this Friday,” Jeno announces. “Meet me for dinner at six-thirty?” 

“Dinner at six-thirty and then Zova,” Renjun agrees happily.

In that moment, Jeno realises that he could listen to Renjun talk all day and even then, he would never get sick of the sound of Renjun’s voice.

***

On Friday night, they eat at the Korean restaurant near Jeno’s place—the one that he frequents when he misses his mother’s cooking.

“Pre-drinks,” Renjun hums cheerfully as they clink shot glasses filled with soju. 

Together, they drink three bottles of soju over dinner and end up having to take the leftovers home because they ordered too much food for two people. They stop by Jeno’s apartment to store the leftover box of food in his fridge before they travel on the metro towards City Centre where Zova is located. 

Jeno feels positively buzzed by the time he steps foot inside Zova. The soju has worked its way throughout his body and he’s feeling rather excited for their Zova run tonight. 

When he voices this aloud, Renjun throws his head back and laughs at him. Jeno can’t help but stare. He feels a little breathless at the sight of Renjun’s cheeks bunching sweetly—Renjun looks so pretty when he smiles like that. The urge to kiss Renjun’s cheek lingers at the fringe of his mind. 

“What? Is there something on my face?” Renjun raises an eyebrow and pats his face down with his hands. 

Jeno wonders if Renjun is aware that his eyebrows are very expressive. “No, there’s nothing on your face,” Jeno chuckles, unable to look away.

Their usual corner booth is occupied so they’re standing by the bar, where the drinks are easily accessible. It also gives them a good view of the booths, making it easier to spot once there’s a vacancy. 

Renjun leans closer to Jeno, tilting his chin slightly as he examines his face. He squints at Jeno for a moment. “Are you drunk already?” 

“Haven’t seen you guys in a while,” the bartender comments as they wander over to get their order. Jeno and Renjun come to Zova so often that the Friday night bartender recognises them. 

Jeno orders their drinks before he turns to Renjun and replies, “Not drunk, just tipsy.” He pokes a finger against Renjun’s cheek as he adds, “And happy to be out with you tonight.” 

“Me too,” Renjun chirps, rewarding Jeno with a bright smile. “Thanks for meeting up with me tonight.”

“Tequila shots,” the bartender returns, gently placing two shot glasses in front of them, each with a slice of lime balanced precariously on top. “The other drinks are coming.” 

“Cheers,” Renjun raises his shot and for the second time that night, they clink glasses. 

Jeno downs his shot quickly, immediately biting into the lime. He laughs, nearly choking on the lime juice at the sight of Renjun shuddering violently. The motion reminds Jeno of Jaemin’s dog when she shakes her body rapidly to dry herself after they give her a bath. Renjun has trouble downing shots in one gulp so he always drinks them in two gulps. 

“Disgusting.” The tip of Renjun’s tongue pokes out. Noticing that Renjun is still holding his lime, Jeno lifts his hand and guides it to his mouth. 

As he watches Renjun suck on his slice of lime, the urge to kiss Renjun returns. The thought appears at the forefront of his mind this time and Jeno wonders what would happen if he kissed Renjun right now. Would Renjun push him away? Renjun’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows and Jeno wonders if he would be able to taste the lime on Renjun’s lips, the tip of his tongue, or in his mouth if they kissed now. 

“Jungwoo and Donghyuck made it past the two month mark,” Renjun shares in an excited voice. Their cocktails arrive and Renjun pushes Jeno’s drink in his direction. “They’re going pretty strong. I think Donghyuck has finally found someone that he really likes.” 

“Someone who has the patience to deal with him?” 

“Hey, play nice. I don’t know why you always get so prickly when it comes to Donghyuck. He’s a little rough when we joke around but he’s a really good friend,” Renjun nudges Jeno’s foot with his own, promptly starting a game of footsie. 

“I know he’s a good friend—to you, at least. Our personalities just clash a little,” Jeno says with a shrug. 

It’s partially true. Their personalities do clash at times but Jeno knows that if he really puts in the effort to get to know Donghyuck better, there is a chance for them to be good friends as well. It’s too late now though. Jeno can’t look at Donghyuck without feeling uncomfortable these days. Not when the mere sight or mention of Donghyuck serves as a constant reminder that he had spent a good amount of time in bed with Renjun over the past two years. 

Jeno steps on Renjun’s toes, grinning when a squawk escapes Renjun’s lips. Spotting a group of people getting ready to leave one of the booths in the distance, Jeno gulps down the rest of his margarita. He nods his head in their direction to alert Renjun. 

“Go take a seat, I’ll get us another drink.”

Renjun finishes the last of his drink as well. “Okay, text me how much it is tomorrow. I’ll pay you back.” 

Jeno smiles. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve treated me to so many meals this semester.” He presses a hand gently against Renjun’s back and urges him to head in the direction of the empty booth. 

Not long after Renjun settles down at the booth, a stranger approaches him. Jeno keeps an eye on the interaction as he waits for their drinks by the bar, just in case Renjun signals him for help. The bar is packed with customers so it takes a while for their drinks to be ready. By the time Jeno reaches the booth, the stranger is gone. 

“Who was that?” Jeno asks curiously. He presses Renjun’s drink into his hand. 

“Don’t know them,” Renjun replies with a shake of his head. He thanks Jeno and snaps a quick picture of his drink before tucking away his phone. “They asked for my number but I declined and just told him that I wasn’t interested at the moment.” 

“Why? I didn’t get a close-up look but they looked pretty handsome from afar.” 

“Yeah, he was pretty,” Renjun confirms. “I’ve just… got my eyes on someone else right now.” 

“Oh, okay.” Jeno pulls back, surprised. He wonders who that someone could be. They haven’t had a Zova run in a while but Jeno knows that Renjun hasn’t seen anyone since he slept with that guy—Ten—from the club. 

Discomfort claws at Jeno’s throat as he realises—maybe Renjun has his eyes on Ten. He didn’t get a good look of Ten’s face but he’s sure that Renjun picked someone good looking to spend his night with. He always does. If he’s pretty, older and more experienced, and good in bed—what’s not to like about him? 

“Are you not curious about who it is?” Renjun takes a sip of his new drink, his eyes flickering up to search Jeno’s face. 

Jeno clears his throat, “No, you can tell me when you’re ready to introduce him to me.” He silently prays that Renjun doesn’t tell him who it is. His chest feels heavy enough already. 

“How can you be so certain that I have my eyes on a man? I like girls too.” 

“I think you like dicks a little too much to want to spend the rest of your life with a girl,” Jeno says bluntly, shifting his legs under the table when Renjun kicks at him. 

“Rude,” Renjun huffs indignantly. He kicks again and this time, he strikes Jeno’s shin. “How do you know my preference?” 

Jeno sticks his tongue out cheekily. “I’m your best friend. I know everything.” 

He regrets his words the moment they leave his lips though. He doesn’t know everything. There are many things about Renjun that he doesn’t know, like his current love interest, what Renjun thinks of him, or how Renjun will react if Jeno kisses him right now. 

He pushes himself to his feet abruptly. Deciding that he’s too sober for these thoughts, Jeno announces that he’s going to get another drink.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you go this hard during our Zova runs in a very long time,” Renjun blinks. “Is everything alright?” 

“I found a white hair this morning from stressing over my degree. I think I deserve to let loose tonight, don’t you think?” Jeno blurts out the first excuse that comes to his mind. It’s true though—he did finally find a white hair on his head.

“You should dye your hair white—like a platinum blond,” Renjun teases, sniggering around the rim of his glass. “I think it would suit you. Dejun tried it last year and he looked really good.”

Jeno rushes over to Renjun’s side of the table to force him into a headlock and the shriek that Renjun lets out elevates the heaviness in his chest. 

At the bar, he orders a glass of whiskey as well as two vodka shots—one for Renjun and one for himself. When the shots are served, however, Jeno changes his mind and downs both of them. Renjun in his drunken state is a pain to escort home and Jeno doesn’t think he has enough energy left in him to wrestle with Renjun tonight. Considering his alcohol tolerance is a little better than Renjun’s, an extra shot won’t affect him. 

“Woah, you sure about that?” Renjun peers at Jeno with wide eyes. “Whiskey? Who are you and what did you do to my Jeno?” 

Jeno offers the glass to Renjun as he sits back down. Renjun shakes his head, wrinkling his nose in disgust. 

“Don’t like that stuff,” Renjun mumbles. “Hey, didn’t Chenle’s whiskey fuck you up at the party?” 

“We do not speak of that night,” Jeno sniffs, suddenly reminded of his bathtub adventures. Jaemin had told Renjun all about it and he received bathtub emojis from Renjun every time they texted for a few days straight. “It wasn’t the whiskey that made me really drunk. I mean, it played a part, but I drank lots of other things that night.” 

Renjun raises his hands like he’s surrendering. “Alright,” he says, “I guess it’s about time for me to be the sober friend, since you’re always lugging me home and tucking me in bed.” 

They talk about their plans for their upcoming summer break. At some point, Jeno orders another drink because he has come this far, he might as well go all out. It’s a terribly irresponsible thought, but it’s too late to turn back. When Renjun finally finishes his drink—the one Jeno had gotten for him earlier—they call it a night. 

“Oops,” Renjun giggles as he drops his phone—thankfully on the cushioned seat at their booth and not on the floor. “If I’m being truly honest,” Renjun says, slurring a little, “I’m kinda drunk right now.” 

“I figured,” Jeno replies. “You can’t even walk straight.”

“Speak for yourself!” Renjun kicks at him as they wait for the elevator. He misses miserably, ramming his foot against the wall instead. “You’re pretty drunk too, aren’t you?” 

Jeno huffs, turning away. Renjun’s right. The effects of the alcohol he had consumed tonight have finally hit Jeno and he needs to get back home—fast. 

Renjun’s lips draw back into a smug smile, taking Jeno’s silence as confirmation that he is indeed drunk. “I told you whiskey fucks you up. That shit’s strong. How many glasses did you have?” The elevator opens with a loud ding and Renjun stumbles inside. “Hey, let’s visit Chenle. I heard his bathtub is pretty nice,” Renjun taunts. 

Jeno swipes an arm at Renjun. With a loud squeal, Renjun ducks under Jeno’s arm and curls up against a corner inside the elevator. 

“Don’t move so much! It’s making the elevator shake,” Jeno complains, feeling rather queasy at the thought of the elevator malfunctioning. Zova bar is on the twentieth floor and Jeno does not want to spend the rest of his evening stuck in an elevator.

Jeno suggests that they call for a taxi, but Renjun loops their arms together and insists that they should take the metro. How they make it to the metro station in one piece _and_ on a metro heading in the right direction is a complete mystery. Renjun’s dorm is three stops before Jeno’s, so Renjun sits on the side that is closer to the aisle. 

“Renjun, it’s so hot,” Jeno whines, fiddling with the edge of his shirt. 

“No, no!” Renjun exclaims, mildly panicked. “Don’t strip here.” 

The middle-aged aunty sitting in front of them turns to glare at them pointedly. She sweeps her eyes over them as she clambers to her feet, clicking her tongue in disapproval. Jeno resists the urge to laugh at how bothered she looks.

He burrows his head in the crook of Renjun’s neck and naturally, Renjun tucks his chin against the crown of Jeno’s head. He closes his eyes to revel in the moment. It feels so nice to lean on Renjun like this. His head fits perfectly against Renjun’s neck and shoulder and he makes a mental note to do this more often. 

“Jeno, I missed my stop,” Renjun groans loudly, tilting his chin slightly to look up at the screen that displays the order of the metro stops. 

Jeno whines at this, already missing the feeling of Renjun’s chin tucked against his head. “Don’t go,” he pleads, fisting at Renjun’s shirt. “You can sleep over at my place.” 

“But I don’t have clean clothes,” Renjun frowns. “Or a toothbrush.” 

It’s not like Renjun changes into clean clothes or brushes his teeth when he gets home this drunk. Desperate for Renjun to stay over at his apartment, Jeno replies, “You can borrow my clothes. I’ve got spare toothbrushes too, you can take one.” 

“Okay, but you can’t make me sleep on your air mattress. I hate that thing.” 

Jeno chuckles into Renjun’s neck, blowing small puffs of air against his skin. “You can share my bed with me.” 

He highly doubts that either of them will have the energy or the ability to inflate his spare air mattress when they get back anyway. 

Renjun barely makes it past Jeno’s front door before he’s keeling over and curling up on the floor. Jeno has to dodge Renjun’s feet as he kicks his shoes off. 

“I’m so tired,” Renjun whines softly. He buries his face in the crook of his arm. 

“Don’t sleep here, you’ll get sick,” Jeno sighs, looping his arms under Renjun’s armpits to pull him up. When it’s clear that Renjun won’t budge, Jeno drags him all the way to his bedside. 

“Ah!” Renjun exclaims as he feels his body drag across the carpeted floor. “My pants are slipping.” 

“Good. Didn’t you want to change into clean clothes?”

Jeno gently lowers Renjun’s head onto the ground and heads to his wardrobe to find something for Renjun to wear. For some reason, the sight of his clothes inside the wardrobe makes the room feel warmer than it already is. The alcohol must be playing mind tricks on him. He picks his way through the neatly folded stacks of clothes and hastily pulls out a pair of sweatpants and the smallest shirt he can find. 

“Here,” he tosses the clothes onto his bed. “I’m taking my clothes off.” It’s the only warning he gives Renjun before he pulls his shirt over his head. 

“Woah,” Renjun giggles. He covers his eyes with his arm. “Not safe for work.” 

“Oh shut up, it’s so fucking hot right now,” Jeno groans, tugging off every last piece of clothing, including his underwear. He has no energy left in him to care about the fact that he’s completely naked in front of his best friend. “I’m sure you’ve seen more naked men than I have.” 

“You know what’s really hot right now?” Renjun lowers his arm to peep at Jeno. “You’re hot,” he says with an exaggerated wink. 

Jeno rolls his eyes. Renjun doesn’t mean it, he’s just poking fun at him. It’s not Jeno’s fault that he’s so afraid of the heat. “Do you want the nightlight on?” 

A garbled noise comes out from Renjun and Jeno takes that as a yes. He stumbles towards his kitchenette to fetch a glass of water to cure his parched throat. Jeno was concentrating so hard on keeping Renjun safe throughout the whole journey back to his apartment from Zova that he didn’t notice just how drunk he was. He is just as unsteady on his feet as Renjun is. 

Once he has gulped down enough water to quench his thirst, he refills the glass for Renjun. When he returns to his bedside, he finds Renjun laying face first on his bed. His chest flutters at the sight of Renjun in the clothes that he had picked out for him. _His_ clothes. 

“I’ll leave your water next to the lamp,” Jeno says quietly. He sets the water down and switches off the main lights in his apartment, only leaving the lamp on. 

As Jeno clambers in bed, Renjun pushes himself up to scoot closer to him. His hand ghosts over Jeno’s stomach until it is curling around his waist.

“Renjun,” Jeno groans, wriggling his body weakly to dislodge Renjun’s hand. “It’s too hot.” That, and the fact that he will probably pop an erection if Renjun gets any closer. 

“But I need cuddles or I can’t sleep,” Renjun whines back. His hair tickles Jeno’s side as he presses his head against Jeno’s naked body. Renjun has always been on the handsy side when he is drunk. “I can only sleep in my bed.” 

Renjun falls still. As his breathing evens out, Jeno assumes that he has fallen asleep. Jeno stops moving around, afraid that he might accidentally edge Renjun’s arm closer to his crotch. He shuts his eyes and urges himself to fall asleep as well. Even though he is laying on his bed, the world seems to spin beneath him. It’s the alcohol, he reminds himself. 

It takes a while, but he starts to doze off eventually. Then, without warning, Renjun pulls away from him and sits bolt upright on the bed. 

“Renjun?” Jeno calls sleepily. “What’s wrong?” 

He cracks an eye open to find Renjun staring down at him intently. Renjun reaches out to cup Jeno’s face, his palm warm against Jeno’s cheek. 

“Renjun?” Jeno calls again, suddenly feeling a lot more alert and sober than he was a minute ago. 

“Can I kiss you?” Renjun whispers. 

Jeno desperately wants to say yes, but he’s afraid that he will regret it when they wake up tomorrow morning. He’s afraid that Renjun will turn around and tell him that everything that happens in bed tonight is meaningless. That everything was done in the spur of a moment while they were both drunk out of their minds. 

Yet at the same time, Jeno is afraid that Renjun will slip through his fingers and disappear from his bed if he doesn’t accept this invitation. As Renjun’s tongue slips out to wet his lips, Jeno is reminded of all the times he nearly kissed Renjun tonight. 

“Jeno?” Renjun whispers again. He runs his thumb over Jeno’s cheek gently and Jeno’s breath catches in his throat. 

Jeno thinks of the kiss he shared with Yukhei and he wonders if he will regret it more if he doesn’t kiss Renjun tonight.

“Okay,” Jeno whispers back. 

He doesn’t know why they’re whispering, but nothing matters when Renjun is clambering over his body to straddle him. He leans closer and closer until their lips meet. Jeno lets Renjun lead him—Renjun is more experienced in bed than he is after all. He revels in the way that Renjun’s lips move with certainty, kissing Jeno with confidence.

Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun, thinking about how he has waited for this moment for so long. He kisses Renjun back desperately, trying to convince himself that this is really happening. Now that Renjun is in his arms, everything feels so surreal, like he’s dreaming. 

The desire that burns deep within him spreads from his chest to his stomach. He gasps as Renjun presses kiss after kiss along his jaw and sucks gently. After all those nights of imagining Renjun being in bed with him, Renjun is now straddling him for real. Renjun is really in his arms.

Renjun kisses Jeno’s chin then pushes himself so that he’s scooting down Jeno’s abdomen. From this new position, he’s able to reach Jeno’s neck better. Jeno bares his neck, moaning softly as Renjun’s lips ghost down the length of his neck. Jeno thinks of the bruises that were on the back of Renjun’s neck weeks ago and his insides burn as he imagines Renjun leaving his marks behind on Jeno’s skin. The desire for Renjun to mark him up—perhaps as a way of declaring Jeno as his—overwhelms him.

“You’re hard,” Renjun comments, pulling back to press his ass against Jeno’s dick. 

With a hiss, Jeno turns his head away. Renjun is fully clothed right now while Jeno is very much naked and exposed. The sensation of Renjun’s clothed ass rubbing up and down his dick slowly is overwhelming. Jeno can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to feel Renjun’s skin against his. 

“Can I touch you?” Renjun asks, cupping Jeno’s face with both hands. He nuzzles Jeno’s neck gently. “Let me help you.” 

Renjun tilts Jeno’s chin upwards to suck at the base of his neck. Whining and shivering under Renjun’s touch, Jeno feels his dick grow harder. 

“Okay,” Jeno gasps, reaching up to wrap his hands around Renjun’s wrists, clinging onto them like Renjun is his lifeline. 

Renjun kisses him one more time. “You look so pretty like this,” he whispers against Jeno’s lips. “So pretty for me.” 

Renjun climbs off Jeno to push Jeno’s legs apart. Spurred on by Renjun’s words, Jeno’s dick becomes fully erect. It curves up against his stomach, precum beading at the tip. Renjun crawls in between his legs and presses a kiss on Jeno’s stomach, right beside his dick. 

The room spins, even when he is lying down, but Jeno wants to see Renjun. He needs to see him; he needs to keep reminding himself that Renjun is really in bed with him, sitting between his legs and touching him gently. Pressing his palms against the mattress, Jeno pushes himself up to get a better view of Renjun. 

“Your dick is pretty too,” Renjun beams up at him, sounding very pleased. He straightens himself and gets onto his knees. Renjun slides a hand past the waistband of his pants slowly, watching Jeno’s expression as he wraps his hand around his own dick. “Fuck, I’m so hard for you right now,” he groans, fisting his dick a few times. 

Jeno whimpers back. Renjun didn’t specify how he’d help Jeno with his hard-on and it leaves him wondering if they will fuck tonight. He’s willing to spread his legs for Renjun. At this point, with Renjun looming over him, Jeno would let Renjun do anything to him. He’d let Renjun fuck him, or he’d fuck Renjun if that’s what he wants. 

“Please touch me,” Jeno begs, his eyes still on Renjun’s hand—the one that is fisting his dick beneath his pants. 

Renjun pulls back his hand and shucks his pants, removing his underwear as well. “Since you’re asking so nicely,” Renjun says, tossing the pants onto the floor when he finally manages to untangle it from his legs. 

That’s the only warning he gives Jeno before he wraps a hand around the base of Jeno’s dick tightly. Jeno shudders helplessly at the sensation. 

“Don’t cum yet, I haven’t tasted you,” Renjun comments teasingly. 

Renjun proceeds to wrap his lips around the head of Jeno’s dick, suckling gently. Jeno throws his head back as he moans, shameless and loud. Jeno doesn’t get the chance to beg for more—Renjun is already corkscrewing his way down his dick. 

Jeno forces himself to keep his eyes open so he can commit this image to his memory. He needs to witness it for himself. His dick twitches at the sight of Renjun concentrating hard. He thinks back to the times where he modelled for Renjun and how attractive Renjun looked when he was concentrating on his drawings. 

Renjun pauses briefly at the base of Jeno’s dick and Jeno swears he’s going to come soon. Renjun’s mouth feels heavenly wrapped around him like that—warm and tight. 

“Renjun!” Jeno gasps, his thighs shaking. 

Unable to hold back, Jeno thrusts his hips and yelps when he feels his dick hit the back of Renjun’s throat. It catches Renjun off guard and he reels back, gagging. 

“Holy shit,” Renjun laughs when he recovers. “Try not to do that again, my gag reflexes are a bit sensitive.” 

“Sorry,” Jeno apologises sincerely, feeling slightly embarrassed for losing control like that. 

The room is dim, though it is bright enough for Jeno to see Renjun’s face clearly. Marvelling at Renjun’s face, he cups his chin with a hand. Renjun looks gorgeous under this lighting, his hair messy and his lips swollen from the kisses that they shared earlier. He grazes his thumb over Renjun’s lips, wiping the spit off. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Jeno sighs, raking his eyes over Renjun’s face again and again. Renjun would call him sappy if he ever admitted this aloud, but he genuinely thinks that Renjun has the face of an angel. He wishes to keep Renjun and make him his angel. “You’re so good looking it’s unfair.” 

“Unfair?” Renjun chuckles. “What’s so unfair? You can’t complain when you’ve got a face like that.” 

Renjun is so flirty and sweet with his words in bed. It makes Jeno’s chest clench, a cocktail of glee and confusion churning inside him. Maybe Renjun compliments everyone he sleeps with to make them feel good about themselves. 

Jeno lowers his hand from Renjun’s face and turns away, looking at the discarded pants on the ground. Renjun may be eager right now but when morning comes, he will sober up and no longer want Jeno. He prays for the night to last longer, dreading the moment that Renjun will no longer be his to touch and hold. 

Renjun presses a hand against Jeno’s chest, pushing him back until he is laying down on the bed again. “I don’t know what you’re thinking about,” Renjun says, “but stop thinking so hard.” 

Jeno gasps as Renjun grabs the base of his dick and guides it back into his mouth. He bobs his head eagerly, moving his mouth up and down the length of his dick. He pulls his mouth off occasionally to lap at the head of Jeno’s dick, running his tongue over the tip and along the underside. 

“Renjun, Renjun,” Jeno chants, resisting the urge to thrust his hips. 

He buries his hands into his bedsheets, his moans growing louder. Renjun angles his head so that Jeno’s dick is poking against the inside of his cheek and Jeno hisses loudly. Renjun wraps a warm hand around the base of his dick to get better control of his lips around Jeno’s dick. But that’s enough to tip Jeno over the edge. 

Jeno comes with a shout and spills inside Renjun’s mouth. He blacks out for a brief moment—maybe a few seconds or even a minute, Jeno doesn’t know. The only thing he knows is that he doesn’t remember the last time he came this hard. When he comes to, Renjun is straddling him again, peering down at him curiously.

“Sorry, I didn’t warn you before I came,” Jeno mumbles. Exhaustion creeps up on him and he begins to feel sleepy. 

Renjun’s throat bobs as he swallows. “It’s okay,” he shrugs, licking his lips. He leans over and kisses Jeno.

As Jeno tastes himself on Renjun’s lips, he realises that Renjun had swallowed his cum. All of it. It’s an arousing thought but it makes his dick twitch painfully, sensitive from his orgasm. 

Renjun wraps a hand around Jeno’s wrist and looks him in the eye as he asks, “Touch me?” He guides Jeno’s hand toward his stomach. Renjun’s dick is still hard. 

Like every part of Renjun, his dick is pretty too. Jeno wants to return the favour and suck him off, but he doesn’t know if he can stay awake long enough for that. He wraps his hand around Renjun’s dick, revelling in the way he shivers under his touch. 

“My dick’s not as big as yours,” Renjun jokes, sounding a little breathless. 

Jeno laughs at this. His dick might be a little longer and thicker than Renjun’s but Renjun’s dick is still prettier. It fits nicely in his hand too. “Well, it’s not about the length,” Jeno smiles. 

“True,” Renjun agrees, sounding rather smug.

Jeno has to stop his imagination from taking over his mind—he might get hard again if he thinks about how Renjun’s dick would feel up his ass. Renjun’s thighs quiver with every stroke of Jeno’s hand. 

“I’m going to come soon,” Renjun pants, leaning back. He rests his hands on Jeno’s thighs and props himself up. Renjun arches his back when Jeno tightens his hold and drags his hand down to the base of Renjun’s dick slowly.

Jeno rests his other hand on Renjun’s thigh, where it is bracketing his body. He pauses to admire Renjun. He looks like an absolute dream with his body exposed. Renjun whimpers and squeezes Jeno’s thigh.

“Yes,” Renjun gasps when Jeno picks up his pace, “just like that.” 

Eager to help Renjun reach his climax, Jeno works his hand even faster. Renjun moans Jeno’s name loudly when he comes. Jeno’s heart thuds against his chest as he watches cum spurt from Renjun’s dick, staining his hand and his stomach. 

“Fuck that felt so good,” Renjun moans, a look of ecstasy on his face. 

Jeno thinks about how fucked he is. He will remember this for the rest of his life—how delicate Renjun looks when he comes and the way he moans. 

Renjun climbs off Jeno and instead of laying down beside him, he scoots off the side of the bed.

“Stay,” Jeno whines at Renjun, reaching out a hand to grab Renjun’s arm. “Don’t leave,” he begs pitifully. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Renjun shushes him and strokes his hair. “I’m just putting clothes on. I don’t like sleeping naked.” 

Renjun’s words do not offer any reassurance and Jeno remains on edge until Renjun is back in bed with him. There’s a tender look on his face as he brings a wad of tissues closer to Jeno and wipes his cum off him. 

Jeno wants to remember that look too. He wants to keep every single memory of Renjun close to him. 

“Turn over,” Renjun whispers, pushing at Jeno’s shoulder so that he rolls over onto his side. Renjun presses his chest to Jeno’s back, tucking his chin against his shoulder. “Goodnight,” he mumbles as he snakes an arm around Jeno’s waist. 

Jeno clings onto Renjun’s hand—the one hanging over his waist—and laces their fingers together. Renjun’s breath evens out and this time, Jeno falls asleep with him.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh Jeno,” Renjun sighs again, sounding rather helpless this time. “I miss you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put off writing the last scene for 2 weeks but [Erica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idlesong) was an angel and motivated me to finish it by sprinting with me ♡ Thank you [Sam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zero_miles) for beta-ing and for being my cheerleader!! 
> 
> I listened to RV's Psycho on repeat while writing and ATEEZ's Answer while editing (fun fact: psycho was played over 500 times). Anyhow, enjoy this chapter!!

Jeno wakes up to an empty bed. 

His mind orients him to his surroundings faster than usual and he sits bolt upright, swivelling his head side to side to search for Renjun. The other side of the bed is creased but it’s cold under his touch. He exhales shakily, feeling his throat constrict. Renjun is gone. 

Jeno rolls off his bed dejectedly, deciding that he will need a nice, warm shower to help him accept this reality. He searches his wardrobe for a clean shirt and a pair of comfortable pants. He checks the time—it’s eight in the morning—before he stumbles in the general direction of his bathroom. He’s a little unsteady on his feet and Jeno wonders if his body is still processing the last of the alcohol in his system. 

When he gets to the bathroom door, he hears a loud rustle from the kitchenette. Jeno tugs on his clothes then all but races to the source of the sound, praying that it is Renjun. His prayers are heard and he is blessed by the sight of Renjun cooking, still dressed in the clothes that Jeno had picked out for him last night.

Renjun hums to himself cheerfully as he flips something over in the pan with a spatula. Jeno hopes Renjun washed the utensils before using them because he doesn’t recall the last time that he had used them. He watches Renjun silently until an itch creeps up his nose and he sneezes loudly. 

It startles Renjun, causing him to drop the spatula with a clatter. 

“Morning?” Jeno squeaks. He rubs his nose and curses his body for ruining the moment. 

Renjun’s face breaks into a bright smile at the sight of Jeno. “Morning.” He bends over to pick the spatula up from the floor. Turning on the tap, Renjun gives the spatula a good rinse. “I’m making omelettes for us.”

Jeno releases the breath he was holding. Renjun is acting like his usual self. He silently thanks Jaemin for stocking his fridge earlier in the week because if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t be here watching Renjun cook. 

“I hope you were okay with sleeping over last night? I know you prefer going home and sleeping in your own bed but I was too drunk to get you home safely,” Jeno says, talking around the topic of what happened last night. He will have to bring it up eventually but he prefers easing Renjun into the conversation. 

“Last night? Oh, to be honest… My memory’s a bit fuzzy. I remember everything at Zova clearly but after that…” Renjun trails off, eyebrows pinched together as he concentrates on the omelette in the pan. “After that, I don’t know if I actually remember everything that happened. I’m going to need some time to piece together the memories, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me though.” He looks up from the pan to flash Jeno another smile. 

Feeling his heart fall, Jeno forces a smile on his face until Renjun looks away. 

He should have known. He feels sick to the stomach as the reality washes over him—Renjun is acting so casual about what happened last night not because he’s okay with it, but because he doesn’t remember. Jeno rises from his seat at the table and excuses himself hastily, making a wild dash to his bathroom. 

He shuts the door behind him, feeling his legs give out. He slides down the door with his back pressed against it. He hates himself for giving in to his desires. He should have pushed Renjun’s hands away last night. But he doesn’t have the right to regret or complain. After all, it’s his fault that he is in this situation right now. If he had the courage to confess to Renjun and find closure, he wouldn’t be sitting here on his bathroom floor, mulling over his terrible life choices. 

And because he’s now too scared to confront Renjun about last night, he has to shoulder the consequences. He’s going to have to live on and continue to jerk himself off pathetically to the memory of Renjun’s lips around his dick every night, then wallow in guilt after he comes. Lather, rinse, repeat. Exactly what he has been doing over the past month and a half. 

He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and is startled to find a hickey at the base of his neck. He was so desperate for Renjun to mark him up last night, but right now, he only wishes for it to disappear. Kneeling beside the toilet bowl, Jeno buries his face into his hands and waits for the nauseousness to subside. It doesn’t. Eventually, it overwhelms him and he throws up into the toilet, squeezing his eyes shut as he desperately tries to forget. 

Renjun knocks on the bathroom door. “Hey, are you okay?” His voice is muffled by the door.

“Yes,” Jeno lies in a weak voice. “Just the alcohol.”

Renjun doesn’t reply so Jeno assumes that he has gone back to his cooking. He heaves again, grappling at the edge of the toilet bowl helplessly. The doorknob rattles and Renjun comes barging inside. He furrows his brows at the sight of Jeno kneeling beside the toilet bowl and clicks his tongue sympathetically. 

“You poor thing,” Renjun sighs, running his hand through Jeno’s hair to shift the longer strands of his fringe away from his face. “I’ll get you some water.”

When he returns with the water, he rubs Jeno’s back soothingly. To Jeno, however, Renjun’s touch feels anything but soothing right now. It makes him sick again and he wishes for Renjun to leave him to suffer alone. 

Renjun insists that even if Jeno doesn’t have the appetite, he should still take a few bites of his omelette. Since Jeno is unable to say no to Renjun’s request, he nibbles at the omelette until Renjun is satisfied. 

“Does it taste okay?” Renjun has a soft smile on his face—the one that Jeno loves most

For once, however, the smile doesn’t make him feel giddy or warm all over. 

“It’s good,” Jeno replies curtly. 

He can’t really taste anything right now, but he knows that the omelette would taste amazing if he wasn’t hungover and heartbroken right now. Renjun’s cooking skills are stellar and that’s another reason why Jeno is so fond of his best friend. He smiles sadly around his spoonful of the omelette. It can’t be helped—there are so many things to love about Renjun and so many reasons why he is Jeno’s favourite person in the world. 

Being the caring person he is, Renjun stays over until he is convinced that Jeno is feeling better. Jeno had to convince him—more like _lie_ to him, but Jeno doesn’t like thinking about lying to Renjun—to leave because nothing can make Jeno feel better right now except alone time. When Renjun finally leaves, Jeno realises that with Renjun by his side, no matter how hard he tries to divert his thoughts, his mind will continue to circle back to Renjun. 

As he sits on the edge of his bed and recalls the events of last night, he vows to never succumb to his desires again. The last thing that he wants to happen is to become Renjun’s second Donghyuck. He knows very well that if he and Renjun were to become fuck buddies, it would destroy him, slowly then all at once. 

Jeno has been avoiding his feelings for far too long and it’s about time that he set his foot down to confront the reality of his unrequited feelings. The only solution that he can come up with, to patch up his shattering heart, is to distance himself from Renjun.

***

The timing of his final exams can’t be any better. It gives him the perfect excuse to stop replying to Renjun and to take time off, for both his studies and himself.

A part of him struggles to adapt to daily life without Renjun, no matter how often he reminds himself that it’s for the better. Every now and then, he succumbs and opens Renjun’s new messages. Despite knowing that Jeno has been inactive online and will continue to be until finals are over, Renjun still sends daily updates of himself. 

Some days, he texts pictures of the university art studio and his painting equipment, while other times, he sends Jeno selfies of himself. Renjun unknowingly stomps all over Jeno’s heart with how gorgeous he looks, even when he is sleep-deprived and stressed, yet Jeno can’t summon the energy to be mad at him for it. 

Forcing himself to stay away from Renjun makes the time pass painstakingly slow, so he drowns himself in his studies. He studies at the Science Library on campus around the clock, not only because the library is open 24-hours but also due to the fact that Renjun would never be able to find him there. 

Every day, he returns home around midnight and leaves for the library by seven in the morning during the study vacation week. Renjun knows him so well that if he really wanted to catch Jeno, he would be able to find him in no time—usually at his apartment or Jeno’s faculty library beside the Engineering lecture halls. 

His plan to remain disconnected from Renjun—and the rest of the world, because he never realised that Renjun is his whole world before this—is foiled by none other than Jaemin. 

Sometime after his second exam, Jaemin finds him at the library. Jeno has his earphones on, blasting the same song on repeat as he buries his head into his physics notes. 

“Jeno?” Jaemin calls, tapping him on the shoulder. 

Jeno jerks violently, startled by Jaemin’s sudden appearance. Jaemin covers his mouth in a desperate attempt to smother his laughter. The student sitting two tables to Jeno’s right scowls in their direction. 

Jeno removes his earphones and shushes Jaemin. “How did you know I was here?”

“Telepathy,” Jaemin grins wickedly. He slides into the empty seat beside Jeno. “I didn’t know the Science Library had these individual desks. I should come here sometime.”

It’s one of Jeno’s favourite things about this library. The Science Library is a hidden gem that very few have discovered, except for those who take classes near this building. There are plenty of individual desks with dividers on either side of the table to reduce distraction in this library and Jeno loves how he can always find a seat. 

“You don’t even have finals,” Jeno frowns, replacing the cap on his red pen. 

Jaemin submitted his last assignment—another model of a house—just under two weeks ago. Despite knowing that Jaemin had slaved away all semester, he can’t help but feel envious. Jaemin’s summer break has begun while Jeno still has two written exams and a practical lab exam left. 

“How did you find me?” Jeno asks again. He shies away from Jaemin’s hand when it inches closer to tickle his neck. 

“Mark told me you’d be here,” Jaemin reveals like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. 

The frown on Jeno’s face deepens. Maybe he shouldn’t have let Mark tag along to the Science Library on Monday. Truthfully, he only agreed to let him follow him because Mark had looked so worried that Jeno felt guilty. At least their study session together was productive. 

Jeno lifts his phone to check the time. “Let’s go out for lunch,” he suggests quietly. He usually goes out to buy a meal during this time anyway. 

Jaemin climbs to his feet and instructs Jeno to take his time to pack while he stops by the toilet. Twenty minutes later, Jeno finds himself sitting at the same table in the tonkatsu restaurant that he frequently eats at with Renjun. It brings back painful memories and he requests for a table change, but the waiter declines his request politely, saying that it’s rush hour and that they’re short on tables. 

“Why don’t you want to sit here?” Jaemin asks curiously when the waiter leaves with their order jotted down messily on a notepad. 

Jeno shrugs and blurts out the first excuse that comes to his mind. “The table is sticky. Just doesn’t seem like a good place to sit.” 

Jaemin leans forward to squint at Jeno’s side of the table. Jeno shrugs again, despite knowing very well that he’s not remotely convincing because he never fusses over where they sit for meals. He expects Jaemin to call him out for lying, but Jaemin moves on quickly to ask Jeno about his exams. 

Jeno uses this opportunity to vent about this upcoming lab exam and how it was poorly designed. “I heard that we’re the first cohort to have a lab exam like this. I hate it when we have to be the guinea pigs for the faculty,” Jeno huffs. 

His phone buzzes and the screen lights up to display a new notification. He scans the preview, frowning hard when he realises that it’s a text from Renjun. The timing of this text could not get any worse. 

“What’s wrong?” Jaemin asks absentmindedly as he helps himself to the box of utensils set on the side of their table. He lays out a napkin for Jeno and places a clean spoon on top. 

Jeno wants to say that everything is wrong because Renjun just texted him asking him for a Zova run in the middle of finals period. He wonders if it’s because Donghyuck had broken up with his new boyfriend so he’s back together with Renjun again. The mere thought makes Jeno uneasy. He locks his phone and flips it over, covering the screen. 

“Nothing important,” Jeno replies, “just my classmate asking a physics question.”

“Ugh, no wonder. I swear your face turned green for a second,” Jaemin hums sympathetically.

They continue the conversation about Jeno’s lab exam and relief floods Jeno when Jaemin validates his frustrations. Jaemin has always been a great listener and it is one of the reasons why Jeno loves being around him. Jeno listens to Jaemin too. Jaemin complains about the floorplans he had to design and the models he had to make to complete his final assessment tasks of the semester. 

They don’t have to wait long before the waiter returns to serve them mouth-watering plates of rice, curry, and most importantly, Jeno’s favourite tonkatsu. As Jeno digs in, his phone vibrates again. At first, he assumes that it’s another text message so he ignores the notification but the buzzing is insistent. He has a very bad feeling about this phone call and every part of his body protests, begging him to not pick it up. 

“Why aren’t you picking it up?” Jaemin asks, his question muffled by the mouthful of rice in his mouth. “Might be important if it’s ringing for that long.” 

Jeno takes a deep breath as he turns his phone over. Of course it has to be Renjun. 

“Hey, it’s Renjun!” Jaemin beams. “He was looking for you the other day. Texted me something about… Wait, pick up his call first.” 

Reluctantly, Jeno swipes a finger across the screen. He ignores the way his hand shakes as he raises the phone to his ear. “Hello?” 

“Hey, did you see my text?” Renjun asks immediately.

Even over the phone, Jeno can sense that Renjun is filled to the brim with excitement. It drastically contrasts the dread settling in Jeno’s stomach and it takes a moment for Jeno to compose himself. 

“Yeah, I was going to text you back after lunch,” Jeno replies in the steadiest voice he can manage. ‘After my last exam’ would be the most accurate response. He’s not being completely honest but Renjun doesn’t need to know that.

Jaemin glances up from his tonkatsu and mouths Renjun’s name at Jeno to confirm that it’s really Renjun on the other end of the phone. Jeno stops pushing the rice around on his plate and nods back at Jaemin.

“So,” Renjun continues, dragging out the ‘o’ sound. “Zova run?”

“I can’t, I need to study.”

“Fair enough,” Renjun says casually. In his head, Jeno sees Renjun do his usual one-shouldered shrug on the other side of the phone. “When do you finish your exams again? Can we meet up for lunch some time instead? I kind of miss—” 

Jeno cuts him off, feigning annoyance. “Look, Renjun, I get that you’re done for the semester but some of us actually need to study for their exams. I’m really overwhelmed by my finals right now, can we talk another time?” 

“Oh… okay,” Renjun says in a quiet voice. “I’ll…” 

Renjun stumbles over the next few words and Jeno struggles to understand him. The fresh serving of tonkatsu sitting in front of Jeno doesn’t look all that appetising anymore. 

Eventually, Renjun pulls himself together and he says firmly, “You should go study. I’ll talk to you later?”

Jeno swallows hard. This is for the best, he reminds himself.

“Yeah, bye,” he replies curtly. 

When he hangs up, Jaemin is staring at him like he has grown a second head. 

“What was that?” Jaemin demands, nodding his head in the direction of Jeno’s phone. 

Jeno shrugs and digs into his food. He’s not hungry but focusing on his food is the only way to avoid Jaemin’s sharp gaze right now.

“I get why you declined the Zova run because you need to study, but why did you have to talk to him like that?” Jaemin jabs his spoon at Jeno as he speaks to emphasise his point. Jeno reels back, afraid that Jaemin might poke him in the face. “Renjun might not have exams but you know very well just how hard he had to work to survive till this point of the semester.” 

“I don’t know, it just came out. I’m stressed, alright?” Jeno says vaguely.

Jaemin narrows his eyes. “Did something happen between you two?” 

Averting his eyes, Jeno stares down at his half-eaten tonkatsu. Jaemin is a wiz at reading Jeno’s expressions and he will coax the words right out of Jeno’s mouth if he catches wind of the situation. The last thing Jeno needs right now is to relive the night of his last Zova run with Renjun. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno sets down his spoon with a sigh. He takes a gulp of water from his glass before he continues. “Can you drop it? Please? I’m really not in the mood to talk about it right now.” 

Very reluctantly, Jaemin drops the topic. Jeno’s mind is jam-packed with thoughts about Renjun right now. Sitting in a restaurant that they frequent together regularly throughout the semester does not help at all. 

Jaemin, being the expert he is at distracting people when he really needs to, manages to draw his mind away from Renjun. He brings up his plans for the Summer and Jeno latches onto every word. Jeno is reminded that he needs to call his parents when Jaemin mentions that he’s going to travel home to spend time with his parents.

“Let’s go home together,” Jaemin smiles, watching Jeno carefully as he finishes his food. “We can go camping like we used to every summer.” 

Jeno had made plans with Renjun for the upcoming summer break during their last Zova run but at this rate, they will remain as unexecuted plans. It’s been a while since he got to spend time like this with Jaemin. It’ll be nice to relive their childhood memories and forget that they’re actually twenty-one-year-old adults. 

So without hesitation, Jeno agrees with Jaemin’s plans and buries every last thought about Renjun at the back of his mind.

***

Jeno somehow survives his next two exams and returns home in one piece. He hasn’t felt this insecure about his exam results since his university entrance exams. He wants to blame it on the challenging content but deep down, he knows that he’s been too distracted to study properly because of the Zova Incident.

Jeno swears that his brain has associated the Science Library with fear at this point, especially since he studied for his lab exam there. For this reason, he decides to study for his last exam at home. It’s probably not the best idea though. Fighting the temptation to lay in bed, especially after eating lunch or dinner, becomes a bigger challenge than the content he has to memorise for his last exam. 

He’s dozing off at his desk when Jaemin calls him. The sound of his phone startles him awake and he stifles a yawn as he checks the screen. 

“Hey, can I come over?” Jaemin asks hastily, not even giving Jeno the chance to greet him back. There’s clattering on the other end and Jeno wonders if Jaemin is cooking right now. 

“Uh, sure? I’ve got to study for my exam in two days though,” Jeno frowns. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t stay for long. Just bringing food over to keep you alive.” 

When Jaemin hangs up on the phone, Jeno flops onto his bed and whines into his pillow. Jaemin is too good to him. He must have saved a whole village in his last life to deserve someone as wonderful as Jaemin in this life. In just two days, this hell will be over and Jeno can finally crash in his bed. He plans to hibernate for a solid forty-eight hours because being this stressed and sleep deprived is taking a toll on him. 

He lab exam didn’t go terribly but things aren’t looking all that sunny for him either. Renjun would tease him for being a perfectionist but he’s not even in contact with Renjun anymore. After that phone call over lunch with Jaemin, Renjun stopped updating Jeno about his day to day life. Jeno hates to admit this to himself but he misses Renjun’s updates terribly. He misses the sound of Renjun’s voice and fuck, he misses Renjun’s face. 

Jaemin fusses over him when he opens the door, claiming that Jeno has lost weight. Jeno doesn’t believe him though. He wanders over to the bathroom to check himself out in the mirror and his face looks about the same as it usually does. Plus the dark circles under his eyes, but that’s the norm for finals season. 

“I’m telling the truth! My mum would yell at me for not taking care of you if she saw you like this,” Jaemin argues.

“Well, my mum wouldn’t mind because she knows what I’m like during exams,” Jeno rolls his eyes, gathering his unwashed dishes. He will deal with them after exams. 

“God, if Renjun was here, he would be on my side and it’d be two against one—” Jaemin pauses mid-sentence. “Sorry,” he apologises, “I shouldn’t have brought him up…”

Jeno sighs, dumping the pile of clothing he had scooped off a chair into his washing basket. He offers the chair to Jaemin. He wouldn’t have noticed or minded that Renjun was brought up if Jaemin hadn’t stopped talking like that. But now that Jaemin has drawn attention to the topic, his brain floods with thoughts about Renjun.

Jaemin changes the topic, though his attempts are futile as Jeno’s mind is stuck on Renjun. He wonders how Renjun is these days; he wonders whether Renjun is taking care of himself, eating right and sleeping well. He wonders if Donghyuck has really broken up with Jungwoo and if Renjun is back to fucking Donghyuck again. Jeno doesn’t know why he tortures himself with these thoughts because Renjun is not his lover, nor will he ever be. The reality is that Renjun is his best friend and Jeno’s silly feelings for him are painfully one-sided. 

Sensing that Jeno’s mind is not with him anymore, Jaemin leaves him to study while he washes up the dishes in the sink for him. The words on his laptop screen blur before his eyes and Jeno struggles to concentrate. He expects these thoughts to reopen his healing wound but instead, he is filled with an odd urge to do something drastic. Although it’s not like him to make a rash decision, an internal voice suggests that he needs to change a part of himself to move on. The more he thinks about it, the more tempted he is to do something that will help him to leave a part of himself behind—the part that contains Renjun. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno calls urgently. He sifts through the random stacks of notes and scrap paper on his desk to find his wallet. “Do you still have the number to that place you went when you dyed your hair pink last year?” 

“Yeah,” Jaemin grunts, setting down the mug he was drying. “Why? Who’s asking?” 

Jeno’s drying rack is so full that Jaemin has to dry some of the bowls and mugs to make space. The thought of having clean mugs at his fingertips almost overwhelms Jeno and he barely holds himself back from hugging Jaemin to death. 

“I want to dye my hair,” Jeno blurts. 

“What?” Jaemin drops the towel in his hand. Jeno’s glad that his mugs are still sitting safely on the kitchenette counter. “Right now?” 

Jeno plucks the towel off the tiled floor and flings it into the washing basket. “Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“Jeno, you have an exam in two days,” Jaemin reminds him, emphasising the ‘two’ like Jeno has suddenly forgotten his exam date. 

“And I’m about to go crazy looking at my notes. Come with me to the salon.” 

He pushes Jaemin towards his front door and Jaemin eyes him skeptically over his shoulder. 

“What colour are you going to dye your hair?” 

“You can help me decide on the way,” Jeno hums as he slips on his shoes. 

Jaemin waves his hands around wildly. “Oh my god, you’ve gone _insane_. Who are you and what have you done to my best friend?”

Jeno pushes him out the front door, laughing when Jaemin squawks indignantly. They take the metro and within thirty minutes, Jeno finds himself standing outside the salon with Jaemin. Luck is on his side today. The salon is busy but one of the stylists had an appointment cancellation so they are able to help Jeno immediately. 

“We don’t usually do walk-ins,” the hairstylist explains. They guide Jeno to an empty seat, settling him down in front of the mirror. “You said you want to dye your hair? Did you have a colour in mind?” 

Jeno stares at himself in the mirror, trying to imagine himself with a hair colour other than black. “Would blue be too flashy?” 

Jaemin had insisted that Jeno would look good with pink hair but Jeno wants something different. Pink feels like Jaemin’s colour and Jeno wants a colour of his own. 

“Nothing’s flashy if you like it in my opinion,” the stylist smiles kindly. 

“Let’s go with blue then,” Jeno smiles back, making eye contact with the stylist through the mirror. 

The stylist roughly explains the process they will have to go through then leaves to get the materials needed to dye Jeno’s hair. Jaemin leaves his spot from the sofa in the corner, designated for awaiting customers or friends or family members accompanying them, and wanders to Jeno’s side. 

“I can’t believe you’re really going to do this,” Jaemin remarks. He runs a hand through Jeno’s hair. “Your hair quality is so nice but you know that the bleach is going to kill it, right?”

“Whatever,” Jeno shrugs. Nothing will hurt him more than his broken heart. 

“It’s funny how you brought this up today because just yesterday, Mark and I were talking about getting our hair done together.” 

Jeno whips his head around to stare at Jaemin. “You were with Mark?” 

Jaemin stammers, suddenly at a loss for words. “Well…” he begins and Jeno wonders if he is hesitating because a lie is formulating in his mind. “Alright, I was going to wait until after your exam but Mark asked me out on a date. One date became two and now…”

“And now you’re dating?” Jeno finishes for him. “God, you’re dating Mark? Mark, my lab partner?” 

“He’s cute, alright?” Jaemin replies weakly. Then, lowering his voice, he asks, “Are you mad?” 

Jeno thinks for a moment. “No,” he replies honestly. “I guess I should’ve seen it coming but I was too blinded by everything that was happening in my life.” 

He thinks back to that time Jaemin knew he had missed his class and stopped by his apartment, as well as the fact that he was hiding at the Science Library throughout this finals period. He really should have known but this whole Renjun business and Zova Incident made him so unaware of the things that were happening in Jaemin’s life. 

“Are you happy though?” 

“Yeah,” Jaemin breathes, “I’m so happy.” 

Jeno nods, turning back to face the mirror. As long as Jaemin is happy. Jaemin is an adult and he can make his own decisions. Jeno just wants to be there to support him. The initial shock wears off by the time he spots the hairdresser approaching in the distance through the mirror reflection. 

“Renjun said that Mark always stares at my ass,” Jeno mumbles under his breath, hoping that Jaemin hears him so he won’t have to repeat himself and say it again louder. 

Jaemin throws his head back and cackles loudly, drawing the attention of the other customers in the salon. 

“I don’t blame him because your ass is truly a masterpiece,” Jaemin whispers into Jeno’s ear. He ducks successfully when Jeno swipes at him. 

Dyeing his hair takes much longer than Jeno anticipates. Prior to this finals period, anything that took a few hours out of his study time would have made him feel uneasy, but for some reason, spending time chatting to Jaemin at the salon makes the trip seem worth it. 

It’s worth it, he reminds himself. It has to be. 

After the first round of bleaching, both Jeno and Jaemin marvel at Jeno’s lightened hair. Both Jaemin and the stylist inform Jeno that it’s normal for his hair to appear orange in colour at this stage. The stylist bleaches Jeno’s hair for a second time then recommends him to return for another appointment to dye his hair blue. After sitting for so long, Jeno reluctantly agrees. He had wanted to leave the salon with blue hair, but the stylist strongly recommended him to come back. 

“You’d look good with platinum blond too,” the stylist comments when he pays for his appointment. “Though this shade of blond looks lovely on you.” 

Jeno would take their advice but the mention of platinum blond only reminds him of Renjun and the comment that he made when Jeno complained about his white hairs. The salon takes a large sum of money out of his bank account and Jeno tries not to stare too long at his receipt. He’ll just have to get a summer job or something. Or beg his parents because this hair dyeing business is no joke and will leave him broke before the next semester begins. 

Deciding that he won’t get any studying done that evening, Jeno tries to relax and take his mind off his exam. He agrees to have dinner with Jaemin and they travel to the inner city, where there are more options for food. 

While Jeno is at the toilet, Jaemin pranks him by squirting a generous amount of chilli sauce in his food. Jeno spends the rest of his dinner with tears welling in his eyes because spice tolerance was the one trait that his parents didn’t pass onto him. After some light-hearted jokes about Jeno’s bank account, Jaemin ends up paying for his dinner. 

“You didn’t have to,” Jeno says as they travel on the metro in the direction of home. “I could’ve paid for myself.”

They’re completely drenched from running in the rain. Jeno knows that they should’ve waited around for the rain to die down—the last thing he wants is to get sick before his last exam—but it reminds him of old times with Jaemin before they started university. 

Jaemin combs the wet strands of hair away from his eyes. “Just let me treat you this time,” he insists, wiping his wet hand against Jeno’s thigh with a sly grin. 

When Jeno finally arrives home, he is dead on his feet. Not long after a quick shower, he passes out on his bed.

***

He dreams of Renjun. They’re at Jeno’s house—not his studio apartment, but his childhood home—and Renjun is curled up against his side on the sofa. A movie is playing quietly on the television. It’s not one that Jeno recognises, though it’s not like he is watching because all he can think about is Renjun when his head is nestled comfortably against Jeno’s chest.

“Jeno,” Renjun murmurs, tilting his head slightly to nuzzle at Jeno’s neck. 

“Hmm?” Jeno hums back. Their eyes meet briefly and Jeno thinks that he could get used to being this intimate with Renjun. 

Renjun leaves a peck at the base of Jeno’s neck. “Let’s move in together,” Renjun announces. There’s certainty in his voice like he’s never been so sure of anything else in his life. 

“Okay,” Jeno smiles back. “If that will make you happy.”

Renjun presses a hand on Jeno’s thigh, dangerously close to his crotch. He pushes against Jeno’s thigh to readjust himself so that he is sitting upright. Renjun kisses Jeno slowly, shifting his hand away from his thigh to curl around his neck. Jeno revels in the feeling of their lips together and follows Renjun’s lead. Then, Renjun is shifting again. He kneels with his legs on either side of Jeno's body and tilts Jeno’s head so that they can continue kissing in this new position. Jeno only realises that he is hard and straining against his jeans when Renjun settles in his lap. 

Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist and draws him close. “Renjun,” Jeno pants. He knows that Renjun can feel his erection beneath him. “Can we…?” 

Renjun flashes him a soft smile. “Of course.” He pecks Jeno’s lips. “Anything to make you happy.” 

Renjun scoots back to reach for Jeno’s pants. Jeno feels Renjun’s nimble fingers work away at the zipper and then—Renjun is fading. 

He still feels Renjun’s weight in his lap but bright light consumes Renjun, obscuring Jeno’s view. Confused, Jeno rubs at his eyes, though his effort to clear his vision is futile. Renjun is disappearing at an alarming rate and Jeno is at a loss for what to do.

“Renjun,” Jeno cries helplessly, reaching out blindly for Renjun. Wrapping his arms around Renjun’s waist securely, Jeno draws him close. He squeezes his eyes shut. He might not be able to see Renjun anymore but he can still feel him. 

Jeno rises from the dream and opens his eyes to pitch darkness, his arms void of Renjun. His chest is filled with despair and the image of Renjun disappearing is still clear in his mind. It takes him a few minutes to realise that it was just a bad dream. 

It’s disappointing, Jeno thinks bitterly, how he can only have Renjun in his dreams. Even then, the ending of these dreams parallel reality. 

His pillow is still damp from his wet hair, though his hair is mostly dry by now. His mother would be mad at him if she knew that he had slept with wet hair. She always insisted that doing so would make him sick, but it has never happened before. As Jeno rolls onto his side to reach for his phone, he belatedly registers that his dick is hard. 

“Fuck,” Jeno swears and flops onto his back. Not only does he have to deal with his feelings at God-knows-what hour, he also has to deal with the fact that he is sexually frustrated.

Jeno feels around his headboard for the bottle of lube he had stashed earlier in the week. Fingering himself is always messy. He will have to change his bedsheets in the morning; it’s inevitable, but it never fails to get him off quicker than fisting his own dick. 

As Jeno tugs his pants off, he kicks his blanket to the foot of his bed so that at least his blanket can stay clean. He removes his shirt as well because his body temperature always spikes when he’s masturbating and he hates the sensation of fabric against his skin as his body overheats. 

He starts with one finger, working it in and out of himself quickly. Every time he fingers himself hastily, he hears Renjun’s voice at the back of his mind asking him to be patient and to slow down. Jeno directs his focus to the sensation of his finger inside him to shut out any thoughts of Renjun. 

By the time he adds a third finger, his dick is leaking precum onto his stomach and every now and then, it twitches helplessly like it’s begging for Jeno to hurry up. He curls his free hand around the base of his dick, dragging slowly until his palm is covering the tip. Jeno unleashes a loud groan of frustration. It’s not enough. Fingering himself never feels as good as when it’s someone else stretching him open with their fingers. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines that it is Renjun fucking him with his pretty fingers as he thrusts his hand in and out of himself quickly. It effectively edges him closer to his orgasm and Jeno cries out for Renjun desperately. 

In less than a minute, he’s coming with a shout of Renjun’s name. As cum spills across his abdomen, he fists his dick and pretends that it is Renjun’s hand touching him. When he comes down from his high, Jeno wipes his hand clean against his bedsheets and dozes off, welcoming the exhaustion that overwhelms him. 

The next time he wakes, the sky is still dark outside his bedroom window. Feeling rather disoriented, Jeno sits up in his bed, wincing when he feels the dried cum on his stomach. As he snags his phone from the bedside table, he realises that his phone is vibrating repeatedly. Someone is calling.

“Hello?” Jeno mumbles blearily into his phone. It’s unusual for someone to be calling at three in the morning. 

“Hello? Jeno, are you there?” 

Jeno’s phone nearly slips from his grip as he registers the caller’s voice. It’s Renjun—there’s no doubt about it.

“Renjun,” Jeno greets sadly. He lays back down on his bed, wondering why it is that no matter how hard he tries to forget and move on, his world still revolves around Renjun. 

“Jeno,” Renjun slurs back. 

Jeno doesn’t even need to ask—Renjun definitely had one too many drinks tonight. He shuts out his other thoughts, particularly the one mulling over who Renjun had gone out to drink with tonight. A loud thud travels over from Renjun’s side and not long after, Jeno hears Jisung’s voice in the background, begging for Renjun to get back in bed. 

Renjun’s voice sounds distant when he nags Jisung, “I’m fine, shoo! Get back to studying.” 

Jeno is not even mildly surprised that Jisung is still studying at this hour. He listens to Renjun bicker with Jisung for a while before Renjun returns to speak with him. 

“Is everything alright?” Renjun mumbles. “I’m really worried about you.”

“Fine,” Jeno replies curtly. “Everything’s fine. I just need to get through my last exam.” 

He holds back a bitter laugh. Everything is wrong right now and Jeno is too tired to fix this mess. He didn’t mean to reveal that he only has one exam left, but Renjun won’t remember when he wakes up anyway. 

“I’ve been thinking...” Renjun trails off like he wants to say something. There’s a pregnant pause and the only sound Jeno hears through his phone is Renjun’s loud sigh. “I guess I should leave you to study,” Renjun says eventually. “Sleep well, Jeno. Good night.”

He wants to remind Renjun that it is four in the morning, but he swallows his words. He needs to end this phone call as soon as possible. It’s for the best. 

“Good night,” Jeno echoes and hangs up the phone before he changes his mind. 

His worries about his last exam appear so little and insignificant in comparison to how messed up his relationship with Renjun is. He tosses his phone aside and rolls onto his stomach to bury his face into his pillow. It effectively muffles his cries and wipes away his tears of frustration.

Jeno wishes that he wasn’t in love with Renjun in the first place. All he wants right now is to have his best friend back, but ridding himself of his feelings has proven to be one of the most challenging tasks he has been faced with in his twenty-one years of life. 

Helpless, Jeno cries and cries and cries until the tears stop. He finally falls asleep again when the sky lightens and the sun rises.

***

Jeno sleeps in until late afternoon. Studying for his exam is the least of his worries because his body feels like it’s burning and the pain in his head is unbearable. On top of that, his eyes are awfully dry—probably from all that crying.

“Fuck,” Jeno groans as his mind retrieves the memories of last night against his will. 

He presses the heel of his palms against his forehead, digging them right into the spot that is throbbing. His forehead feels hot and it’s definitely not because of the approaching summer weather. 

He needs to find his phone, but he has no idea where it went after he hung up on Renjun last night. Jeno forces himself to sit up. He fumbles around his bed and shakes his blanket until his phone slides out from its hiding place at the foot of his bed. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno croaks into his phone when Jaemin finally picks up after three calls. 

“Hey, I’m at the movies right now,” Jaemin replies in a hushed voice. “Can I call you back later?” 

“I think I have a fever,” Jeno whines back.

Jeno lays back down and draws his legs close to his chest until he is curled up in the fetal position. He really shouldn’t have run in the rain or fallen asleep with his hair wet. 

“Oh shit,” Jaemin sighs, “Alright, hang in there. I’ll be over in an hour. Do you want me to bring food?”

“Yes please,” Jeno mumbles back. 

As promised, Jaemin turns up at Jeno’s doorstep within an hour. He helps Jeno to sit up against his headboard and practically shoves a spoon into his hand. 

“Eat,” Jaemin demands, pushing the bowl of congee into his hand. 

The congee is still piping hot and Jeno assumes that Jaemin had bought it from one of the restaurants located a few streets away from Jeno’s place. Jeno burns his tongue, though it doesn’t stop him from taking a second bite. 

“Why were you at the movies?” Jeno asks before he pokes his tongue out to dip it into the glass of water Jaemin had brought to his bedside for him. It does little to soothe the tip of his tongue. 

“Huh?” Jaemin grunts. He sets down his phone. “I was with Mark,” he admits.

Jeno spoons another mouthful of congee and blows at it carefully before eating it. He swallows the mouthful. “Why was he at the movies with you when he has to take the same exam as me tomorrow?” 

“He said he was sick of studying. I told him no when he texted me, but then he complained over the phone about being bored to death until I gave in.”

It sounds very unlike Mark to be complaining and whining over the phone, though Jeno assumes that’s what love does to you. The thought of meeting Mark again sits oddly in Jeno’s mind. He’s no longer someone from Jeno’s degree that he’s good friends with. He is now Jaemin’s—his _best friend’s_ —boyfriend. 

“Are you weirded out by the fact that I’m dating Mark?” Jaemin asks as he spins idly in Jeno’s swivel chair. 

“Not as much as that time you dated that girl in high school,” Jeno replies after thinking for a moment. “What was her name again?” 

“Chaerin,” Jaemin sniffs, “and excuse you, she was a very lovely person.”

“I’m sure she was,” Jeno hums. 

He never got to meet Chaerin formally because Jaemin only dated her for about two weeks. She was a girl from the year below them who asked Jaemin out after their weekend basketball game. Although she asked Jaemin out in the first place, she was the one who ended their relationship. Something about her dad being against her dating during school.

Jaemin clambers to his feet and heads towards the kitchenette, probably to rinse the new mugs in Jeno’s sink. “Well, you’re welcome to third wheel our dates whenever you want.”

Jeno wrinkles his nose. “Maybe just once,” Jeno says. “So I can check if he treats you right.” 

Jaemin’s cackles are drowned out by the sound of running water in the kitchen sink. Jeno doesn’t understand what Jaemin finds so funny, because Jaemin did the exact same thing when Jeno dated someone during their first year of university. 

The topic of dating gets washed away with the soap suds in Jeno’s sink. Jeno is thankful because anything mildly related to relationships only reminds him of his situation with Renjun and he wants to do everything he can to stay away from thoughts of Renjun—until at least his last exam is done. 

Despite Jeno’s protests, Jaemin stays until Jeno’s fever subsides in the evening. Jaemin promises to call Jeno bright and early in the morning so he won’t sleep in and miss his exam. 

Considering Jeno is sick in bed the day before his final exam, he is feeling oddly calm about it. He hopes it’s not the calm before the storm. The worries in his mind about this exam are hopefully unnecessary because he had studied consistently throughout the semester for this course. 

Right as Jaemin gathers his belongings, someone knocks on Jeno’s door. Jaemin freezes in his steps and turns to look at Jeno. 

“Do you want me to open it?” Jaemin whispers.

Jeno has no idea who it could be at this time. He has minimal interactions with his neighbours so he doubts that the person waiting on the other side of his door is a neighbour. Immediately after Jeno gives him the green light, Jaemin pads over to open the door. 

“Oh, hello,” Jaemin greets, sounding mildly alarmed. “What are you doing here?” 

The person on the other side of the door replies. Their voice is soft and Jeno strains to hear what they’re saying. 

“Who is it?” Jeno asks.

Jeno forces himself to sit up to find Jisung peeping into his apartment. Jaemin’s grip around Jeno’s doorknob tightens and the door inches forward a little then pulls back. It’s like Jaemin can’t decide if he wants to open the door wider or slam it shut. 

“It’s—uh, Jisung, right?” Jaemin asks. Jeno doesn’t miss the way Jaemin’s eyes flit between Jisung and Jeno anxiously. “Renjun’s roommate?” 

Jisung nods eagerly. “I’m just stopping by to drop off some hot soup.” He raises the lunch bag in his hand to show Jeno. “I heard you were sick so…”

“Oh,” Jeno says, taking a moment to process Jisung’s words. He forces his frown into a smile before he replies properly. “Thank you for this Jisung. Are you done with your exams?”

“Yes, I finished today,” Jisung chirps, beaming brightly. 

“Congratulations on finishing your first year of university,” Jeno smiles, genuinely this time. “Would you like to come inside? For a cup of tea or something?” 

Jisung shakes his head as he passes the lunch bag to Jaemin. “I was on my way to meet some friends for dinner. I need to head out soon or I’ll be late…” 

“Oh, in that case, I will leave with you,” Jaemin says hastily. He kicks his shoes off to leave the lunch bag beside Jeno’s microwave. “I was just about to leave when you dropped by.” 

The next few minutes pass in a blur. Jeno barely blurts out a confused, “Bye?” before his front door is slamming shut. There’s no doubt Jaemin was in a rush to leave because he thought Jeno would get mad at him. Both of them know very well that Jisung doesn’t know how to cook and that between Jeno waking up and right now, Jaemin is the only person Jeno has made contact with. 

Jeno sends Jaemin a brief text asking, ‘Why did you tell Renjun I was sick?’

Almost instantly, Jaemin replies, ‘It was an accident. I accidentally told him.’ His response is filled with typos and Jeno imagines Jaemin typing his reply in a frenzy. 

Jeno sighs and locks his phone. He clambers out of bed to use the toilet. He brushes his teeth while he is in the bathroom and switches off all the lights in the apartment when he is done. He’s been awake for less than five hours, but his body is heating up again. He is also aching all over and the only thing he wants to do right now is to sleep.

As he crawls back into bed, his phone buzzes three consecutive times. He opens his chat with Jaemin to find that Jaemin had spammed his name repeatedly with an abundance of question marks. 

Jaemin only stops sending sad stickers when Jeno texts back, ‘I’m not mad.’ Jeno explains to Jaemin that he’s going to bed early then sets his phone on ‘do not disturb’ until the morning. 

Jeno eventually falls asleep after spending at least half an hour trying to convince himself that Renjun doesn’t actually care about him—at least, not in the way he wants him to.

***

The fever is miraculously gone by the morning. Jeno wakes up on time for his exam feeling decent enough to power through his exam after a good night’s rest.

From where he is seated near the kitchenette, Jeno watches the bowl spin round and round in the microwave as he heats Renjun’s soup for breakfast. The soup tastes as good as Jeno imagines it to be and he nearly bursts into tears when he checks his phone to find a text from Renjun wishing him good luck for his last exam.

Somehow, he manages to survive his exam without feeling too upset about Renjun—an even greater miracle than his fever going away. Luck is definitely on his side because most of the questions in the exam were based on the content he spent most of his time studying before he got sick. 

“You feeling alright?” Mark asks when they’re outside of the exam hall. “Jaemin told me you had a fever yesterday.” 

“Yeah, I’m better,” Jeno replies, trying to remind himself that Mark is still the same person he was before he started dating his best friend. “Damn, I can’t believe we’re actually done with exams.” 

Mark nods. “I feel like I have to go home and continue to study for the next exam… but we’re done!” 

They walk towards the metro station together and Mark shares his plans to visit extended family overseas during the break. Right as they part ways by the ticket gates, Mark invites him to dinner. 

“Yukhei and Jaemin made plans to celebrate the end of the semester last minute,” Mark explains. “Do you want to come along? I’m sure they won’t mind if you tagged along.”

Jeno checks the time. He has about six hours to nap before dinner so he should feel energised again by then. 

“Sure,” Jeno agrees. He sends Mark a small wave, “See you tonight?” 

Mark nods. “Hey, by the way. That hair colour really suits you.” 

“Oh… this?” Jeno pats down the back of his head. “Thanks,” Jeno smiles sincerely.

It’s going to take him some time to get used to his own hair. He was startled by his own appearance in the mirror when he was getting ready for his exam this morning. It feels a lot drier than it used to be. He didn’t think about this when he dyed his hair but he’s going to have to invest some money in some fancy shampoo to make his hair feel less like straw. 

When Jeno wakes from his nap, he realises that he should have checked to see if Renjun is attending the dinner before agreeing to it. He contemplates texting Jaemin about it but ends up deciding against it, as he doesn’t want to cause any unnecessary drama. He can—and will—get over his feelings for Renjun quietly and no one else needs to know about it. At least in Jaemin’s case, he doesn’t need to know in great detail.

Jeno is blessed by his third miracle of the day when he arrives at the address Jaemin had texted him to find out that Renjun will not be joining them. A couple of Yukhei’s friends that Jeno doesn’t recognise join them. 

As Yukhei introduces his friends one by one, Jeno is surprised to see that Guanheng is there. Of all people Jeno had to meet at the club. 

Pointing at his own head, Guanheng comments, “You changed your hair colour.” He flashes Jeno a grin before adding, “It suits you.” 

Yukhei pulls back, blinking in confusion. “Oh, you guys know each other?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jeno replies. Yukhei looks at him expectantly like he is waiting for Jeno to explain how he knows Guanheng. “It’s a long story, I’ll tell you another time.” 

When Yukhei is out of earshot, Jeno is the first to speak up. “You never called me.” 

Guanheng laughs—it’s a pleasant sound, Jeno notes—and turns his body so that he is facing Jeno. 

“Well, you did say that you weren’t interested in a relationship at the moment.” 

Jeno averts his gaze, praying that he’s not visibly embarrassed. Not that he thinks Guanheng would mind because he seems like such a lovely person. Jeno can’t imagine Guanheng being rude towards anyone. 

“I’m just kidding,” Guanheng continues. “Well, kind of. Since we met at the club, I’ve been swamped by assessments and the heavy workload from my internship.” 

Jeno hums sympathetically. Things have been hectic with just his degree on his plate—aside from the chaos his feelings for Renjun has ensued—and he can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for people like Guanheng who have to work alongside studying. 

“I was too tired to do anything other than eat and catch up on sleep during my spare time,” Guanheng admits sheepishly as they settle into the seats at the end of the table.

Just like the first time they met, they have pleasant conversations over dinner. Midway through the evening, someone suggests that they have drinks and Jeno finds himself being whisked off by everyone else in the direction of the nearest bar. 

Guanheng introduces Jeno to Kun, another one of his mutual friends with Yukhei. Jeno quickly learns that Kun is a few years older than them and is currently completing his PhD. After a long conversation, Jeno also learns that Kun happens to be good friends with Doyoung.

“We used to research in the same lab,” Kun explains. “How do you know Doyoung?” 

“I met him through his boyfriend,” Jeno replies. 

“Ah, Jaehyun,” Kun smiles warmly, “and how did you meet him?” 

“It’s a long story,” Jeno says before he finishes the last of his drink. 

Jeno had remained on good terms with Jaehyun after completing his first-year project with Jaehyun as his team leader. They began to meet regularly for informal mentoring sessions over lunch. Jeno still recalls that they used to meet on Wednesdays and then changed to Saturdays to accommodate Jaehyun's work schedule after he graduated. At some point, Jaehyun introduced his boyfriend, Doyoung, to him and the rest was history. 

Jaemin insists that he has never gone bar-hopping before and Yukhei ends up rounding up everyone and they migrate to another bar. By the time they reach their fourth bar, Jaemin is so drunk that the security denies his entry. Usually Jeno would be the one to escort Jaemin back home—like he does with Renjun every time—but Mark jumps in and offers to take Jaemin home. 

“Jaemin really went all out, didn’t he?” Yukhei muses as they order their drinks at the new bar. 

“Architecture students have it hard,” Jeno chuckles back. 

If they had planned to travel back to their hometown tomorrow, Jaemin probably wouldn’t survive the travel home with a hangover. Luckily, Jeno suggested that they stay for the weekend after Jeno’s last exam so that they have time to pack for their trip back home. Unlike Renjun, Jaemin rents an apartment with Yukhei so he doesn’t need to worry about packing to move out of the student accommodation at the end of each academic year. 

“Hey Yukhei,” Jeno begins slowly, gauging Yukhei’s mood. As usual, Yukhei appears rather cheerful so Jeno takes that as a sign to continue. “I just wanted to apologise—for what happened at Donghyuck and Chenle’s party… You know, for kissing you while I was drunk.” 

Yukhei shrugs, “Oh don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you didn’t strip in front of me though. If I had to witness _that_ then I would want an apology.” 

Jeno sips at his drink to hide his embarrassment. “You’re really okay with what happened?” 

“I figured it was just a one-time thing,” Yukhei replies casually. “As in you only did it because you were drunk.” 

“What made you think that?” Jeno blinks, feeling mildly confused. A part of him had expected Yukhei to be offended by the fact that they only shared the kiss because Jeno was drunk at the time. 

“I could tell at the time that you had someone on your mind,” Yukhei explains. When Jeno gapes at him, Yukhei shrugs again and says, “You’re not exactly subtle, you know? Or maybe it’s because I spend a lot of time around you and your friends.”

They share a moment of silence. Afraid that he might expose himself, Jeno doesn’t dare to move or make another comment. For the first time in the three years that they’ve known each other, Jeno witnesses Yukhei become visibly uncomfortable, tensing up and averting his gaze. 

“Uh, well, I wasn’t going to say this but…” Yukhei trails off. He stirs his drink—perhaps to distract himself—before he summons the courage to say, “That time—at Chenle’s party—you also made a huge fuss about Renjun after I tucked you in bed. You kept insisting that you needed to walk him home and Chenle ended up locking his room to stop you from leaving.” 

Jeno wracks his brain. He definitely does not remember making a fuss about Renjun or Chenle locking the door. 

“I… don’t remember that,” he admits.

“I’d be surprised if you did,” Yukhei says solemnly. “You passed out pretty quickly after Chenle locked the door.” 

“I’m going to order another drink,” Jeno announces, pushing himself to his feet abruptly. In fact, he’s going to need more than one. 

Yukhei’s loud cackle follows him all the way to the bar. As he orders his drink, Yukhei calls out to catch his attention and asks him to order an extra shot. When he returns, Yukhei reaches out an arm to pat his back.

“Go after him if you like him,” Yukhei suggests, raising his shot to clink glasses with Jeno.

Ignoring the suggestive look in Yukhei’s eyes, Jeno tips his shot back and chases it down with his cocktail. So what if Yukhei knows about his crush too? Jeno’s feelings will cease to exist soon, hopefully by the end of their summer break. He’s working on it. Returning to his hometown to spend time with his parents will mean that he will have time away from Renjun, both physically and mentally. 

Jeno lets himself be whisked off to the next bar. After that, he loses track of how many bars they’ve visited and how many drinks he has had. He does, however, remember ending up outside Zova.

“It’s a nice bar, I promise,” Guanheng says, gesturing towards the entrance. “We’re just popping in to have one drink!” 

Panic rises in Jeno’s chest as he backs away. “No, I have to go home,” he insists with a shake of his head. 

Renjun might be in there. Even if he isn’t at Zova right now, he will appear through Jeno’s memories. Jeno squeezes his eyes shut to focus on shutting out his thoughts. When he opens his eyes again, the world spins and he nearly loses his balance. 

Guanheng is quick to react. His arm flies out to steady Jeno. “Woah,” he breathes. “Alright, we don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. Maybe it’s time for you to go home.” 

Jeno’s thoughts are a bit patchy after that. He makes it home safely, though he doesn’t remember how exactly he travelled back. If he thinks hard enough, Yukhei was just standing by his front door. But then his mind supplies him with images of Guanheng sitting beside him in the back of a taxi. Jeno is unsure which images belong to his memory and which ones are mere fragments of his imagination. 

What he does know for sure is that he is alone once again. 

Jeno stumbles from one end of his small apartment to the other, heading in the general direction of his bed. He strips his clothes off before crawling onto his bed. His window is still open from earlier in the evening and the night air feels cool against his naked skin. It helps him to become more alert though it does little to stop the room from spinning. 

The lights on the streets seep through his window and cast shadows along the walls and ceiling of his apartment. Flopping onto his back, Jeno stares up at the familiar ceiling that hangs over his bed. As he traces the shadows looming over him, he thinks of Zova. 

He wishes he was braver. If only he had summoned the courage to step foot into Zova bar tonight. Now he will never know whether or not Renjun was really there tonight. He wonders if Renjun ever brings other people to Zova with him—people like Donghyuck. He wonders if Renjun is still in contact with the guy he met at the club. Ten.

His mind floods with thought after thought about Renjun. It’s almost as if it is desperate to fill the empty spaces that Renjun had left behind when Jeno stopped meeting up with him. The reality, however, is that even if Jeno’s head is filled with Renjun, his heart remains empty. Renjun has left a gaping hole in Jeno’s chest and he doesn’t even know it. 

Jeno unlocks his phone to scroll through Renjun’s old texts, especially the ones with the photos that he had sent him during finals period. He lets his finger lead the way as he mindlessly sifts through Renjun’s social media profiles. One moment, he is clicking on photo after photo of Renjun and then in the next, the screen on his phone changes to indicates that he is in a phone call with Renjun.

“Hello?” Renjun’s quiet voice travels through the phone and resonates in Jeno’s ear even though his phone isn’t pressed against his ear. 

Jeno draws his phone further away from himself, blinking at the bright screen in disbelief. Jeno doesn’t understand why this part of his mind continues to play tricks on him, feeding him lies and getting his hopes up time after time. It’s four in the morning and Renjun can’t possibly be on the phone right now. It must be an audio recording of some sort, like Renjun’s voicemail. 

Perhaps he is dreaming—that’s a more logical explanation. Renjun remains silent for a good minute before his voice travels through Jeno’s phone again.

“Sorry, I had to leave my room. Didn’t want to wake Jisung up.” When Jeno doesn’t reply, Renjun asks, “Jeno? Are you still there?” 

After another moment of silence, Jeno finally convinces himself that he can say whatever he wants because this Renjun only exists in his dream and when the morning comes, he will disappear into the unknown space in his brain that stores his forgotten dreams. 

“Renjun,” Jeno whimpers pathetically, pressing his phone against his ear. 

“Oh Jeno,” Renjun sighs sadly. “What’s wrong? Are you sick or hurt? Is your fever back again?” 

“My chest hurts,” Jeno cries, squeezing his eyes shut. “It hurts because I miss you.” 

He’s too afraid to admit this to himself when he is awake and sober, but the truth is that he loves Renjun so much that he can’t imagine what his life will be like when he stops loving him. _If_ he ever stops loving Renjun. The tears well up in his eyes and Jeno feels himself sink helplessly into his mattress as he allows the sadness to consume him. 

“Oh Jeno,” Renjun sighs again, sounding rather helpless this time. “I miss you too.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Jeno gasps. “Ever since our last Zova run, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Even when I try to shut out my thoughts and feelings, you appear in my dreams and—” 

Jeno chokes back a sob. His emotions have infiltrated his body and he is losing control of his voice. His voice breaks as he finally vocalises the thought that has been circling his mind.

“I just don’t understand why you don’t love me back.”

Renjun makes a garbled noise of frustration on the other end. “Jeno, I do love you. You’re very important to me—” 

Jeno cuts him off. “Please,” he begs. “Don’t lie to me. You’re breaking my heart.” 

He ends the phone call and waits for the dream to end with it. But that moment never comes. The dream continues even after Renjun’s voice is long gone and Jeno wonders what sort of sick punishment this is. He doesn’t understand why life is treating him so unfairly, making him suffer when he is awake and asleep. 

Jeno lays on his side with his legs drawn to his chest as he replays the very moment that Renjun said the words that he longed to hear. A part of him reminds him that he should be happy about this. These words serve as evidence that Jeno’s feelings for Renjun are reciprocated, but instead of feeling joy or relief, Jeno continues to feel sad and uncomfortable. 

It’s absolutely unfair how Jeno can never have Renjun’s love, even in his dreams and he questions if this misery will ever come to an end.

***

Jeno wakes at around noon to the sensation of his phone vibrating against his side. It stops for a few seconds before it begins to vibrate again.

“Stop!” Jeno groans, kicking at his blanket.

He attempts to squirm away from his phone but it’s no use. The caller is annoyingly persistent and Jeno wishes that he had switched off his phone before falling asleep. It’s clear that they’re not going to leave Jeno alone until he picks up the phone. 

“What?” Jeno barks into his phone without checking who is calling. He just wants them to stop. 

“Good morning to you too,” Jaemin says, sounding way too chipper for the morning after a night of heavy drinking. 

Jeno groans loudly. “What do you want?” 

The raging headache has Jeno wondering why he continues to make bad decisions. He really needs to ease up on the drinks. His body probably hates him for consuming so much alcohol over the past three years. Not that it’s going to be a challenge because Zova runs will probably not be a thing anymore. 

Jaemin’s response is disturbed by an announcement on the metro. “Wanna meet up for food?” Jaemin repeats himself when the noise dies down on his end.

“Why are you even asking? You’re already on your way,” Jeno exclaims. 

Knowing Jaemin, saying no is not an option. In ten to fifteen minutes, he will appear at Jeno’s door and make a huge fuss until Jeno leaves to get food with him. It’s not the first time Jaemin has done this and Jeno knows all too well that Jaemin only called so that by the time he arrives, Jeno will be awake enough to open the door for him. 

“Whatever, I’m going back to sleep. Bye.” 

Ignoring Jaemin’s loud squawks of protest, Jeno hangs up the call. He rolls onto his stomach and buries his face into the pillow. He’s feeling a bit queasy at the moment but hopefully it will subside by the time Jaemin comes. 

He only finds the motivation to climb out of bed because his throat is parched and he is desperate for a drink of water. He’s halfway through his second glass of water when Jaemin announces his arrival through obnoxiously loud knocks. 

“Are you seriously not hungover?” Jeno scowls at the sight of Jaemin’s smile. 

“Nope, I’m feeling great,” Jaemin’s grin grows wider. 

Jeno glowers at this. “I don’t feel like going out for lunch,” he whines as he flops back in bed. He burrows himself under his blanket, covering his head. 

“Too bad,” Jaemin replies. He tugs at one end of Jeno’s blanket sharply. “Get dressed, we’re going out.”

Twenty minutes later, Jeno finds himself travelling on the metro with Jaemin to the City Centre for sushi. They head towards a sushi train place that Yukhei suggested after he had tried it himself earlier in the week.

“Ah, shit,” Jeno sighs when Jaemin reminds him that he has a hair appointment later in the afternoon. He ruffles his hair, frowning when his fingers get caught up in some tangled strands. The bleach was not kind to his hair and his hair quality is not as nice as it was before. “I forgot.”

“I figured,” Jaemin hums, leafing through the menu. “Hey, do you want sashimi?” 

“Only salmon,” Jeno replies curtly. He wrinkles his nose at the thought of tuna sashimi—it’s Jaemin’s favourite, but Jeno dislikes the taste and texture.

Halfway through their meal, Jeno unlocks his phone to find a text from Renjun that was sent at five in the morning saying, ‘I need to speak with you. Are you free today?’ 

He must have missed the notification when he picked up Jaemin’s call. 

Jeno mulls over it for a while before he texts back, ‘Yes but not at Zova.’ 

Renjun’s reply is instant. He agrees with Jeno and proposes that they meet in the evening at the cafe near Jeno’s apartment. 

Jaemin notices the change in Jeno’s mood rather quickly and asks him, “What’s wrong?”

Jeno is tempted to say that it’s nothing, but he knows that Jaemin won’t believe him. “Renjun texted me out of the blue and asked to meet up.” 

“Are you going to say yes?” Jaemin asks cautiously. 

Jeno sets down his phone. “I guess.” He picks at the dirt under his nails and makes a mental note to trim them when he gets home.

He’s thankful that Jaemin drops the topic after that and doesn’t pry any further. Jeno wants to tell Jaemin all about it—how he feels about Renjun, the conflicting thoughts inside him, and most importantly, the Zova incident. 

But right now, Jeno doesn’t even have the courage to accept these thoughts and feelings, let alone open up to someone about this. He hopes that after this meeting with Renjun, everything will come to an end and Jeno can travel home with Jaemin and recuperate—or grieve—in peace.

Jaemin accompanies him to the hair salon and stays with him for about fifteen minutes before he leaves to meet Mark. Jeno’s not overly surprised to hear that Mark is having a hard time with his hangover because Jeno is still feeling somewhat unwell himself. 

“Do you still want to go with blue?” Jeno’s stylist asks, drawing out a book to show him samples of people with their hair dyed in various shades of blue. 

His stylist flashes the book in his direction and Jeno peers at the page on display. He genuinely wanted to have blue hair the last time he was here, but today, the thought of blue doesn’t sit overly well for him. 

“Actually…” Jeno begins, “you mentioned last time that you thought platinum blond would suit me?” 

His stylist nods, flipping through the book frantically to bring up a different section. “Yeah, were you thinking of something like this?” 

Jeno examines the pages before pointing to one of the hair colours. “Yeah, I want that.” 

The hair appointment goes smoothly and time slips by much faster than his first appointment. He shares this thought with Jaemin over text as he travels home. Jaemin replies instantly and suggests that maybe it’s because Jeno is now familiar with what happens at the salon during a hair dyeing appointment. 

Adjusting the new bottle of hydrating shampoo tucked under his arm, Jeno types a brief reply. His stylist had recommended it and seeing how his hair is awfully dry and damaged, he agreed to try it out. When Jaemin mentions that he’s still with Mark, Jeno nags him to get off his phone. A part of him wishes that Jaemin can stay on the phone to distract him while he travels but he knows that he can’t be selfish right now. 

Truthfully, Jeno doesn’t know what to expect when he approaches the cafe. He doesn’t expect to see Renjun already there—fifteen minutes early. Renjun is seated at the table that’s tucked away at the back of the cafe and Jeno hates that he’s able to spot Renjun from afar, even when his face is not clearly visible. Jeno remains by the door and watches Renjun as he pores over the book laid out before him. Every few seconds, Renjun scribbles a brief note into his small notebook.

As Renjun brushes his fringe away from his eyes and his face becomes partially visible, Jeno’s heart stutters and an indescribable terror washes over him. It’s not too late to back away now. Renjun doesn’t know that he’s here and it’s not too late for Jeno to exit the cafe and pretend that he never came. 

“Hi,” one of the staff members at the cafe chirps brightly as she appears behind the counter. “Can I get you anything?” 

Their eyes meet when Renjun raises his head at the sound of her voice. Renjun waves him over but Jeno remains standing by the front door, both his mind and body frozen and out of his control. 

The staff follows Jeno’s gaze. “You’re welcome to come over and order when you’re ready,” she says kindly. 

Jeno swallows hard. He’s both glad and disappointed that the cafe staff has left him alone. He’s not ready to order so he doesn’t need her assistance. Yet, if she hadn’t turned away, he would have had a good reason to not approach Renjun right now. His mind protests loudly when he inches forward, alarm bells resounding in his head and yelling at him to run. 

He takes a deep breath before taking another step forward. It’s just Renjun, he reminds himself. It’s Renjun, who he has spent countless hours with—laughing together, keeping each other company over meals, napping side by side, and pranking one another. It’s his best friend and he shouldn’t feel scared or frightened to be around him. 

Before Jeno knows it, his feet have taken enough steps to bring him to Renjun’s side.

“Hi,” Jeno greets quietly, unsure of what else to say. It’s been so long since he had last seen Renjun and he looks as pretty as ever. 

“You dyed your hair,” Renjun remarks, a look of awe on his face. He rakes his eyes over Jeno’s face as if he cannot believe the sight before him. “Jisung said you looked different but I didn’t think…” 

So the soup was indeed from Renjun. Jeno feels bad for getting Jisung caught in between whatever is going on between him and Renjun. 

After a moment of hesitation, Jeno finally sits down in the empty seat across from Renjun.

Renjun shuts his book and Jeno sneaks a glance at the cover. Jeno’s not surprised to find that it’s a book on interior design. Renjun has always been interested in and fascinated by the wonders of design. From fashion to architecture, Renjun is always curious and that’s yet another thing that Jeno adores about him. 

“I got you coffee,” Renjun says in a small voice, pushing a takeaway cup of coffee in Jeno’s direction. 

Renjun stares at him expectantly so Jeno picks up the cup. He doesn’t know how long Renjun has been there for, but he is mildly surprised to find that the drink is still warm. He revels in the way that the warmth from the drink bleeds through the surface of the cup. It’s oddly calming and helps him to quieten his mind. 

“It’s almost six,” Jeno says, tightening his hold around the cup. “At night,” he adds.

“I know,” Renjun replies sheepishly. “I wanted to get something that you liked to drink, but I didn’t know what else to get…”

Curious, Jeno takes a cautious sip of the coffee. It’s not scalding hot like he expects it to be. It’s the right temperature, nice and warm—just the way he likes it. He’s no expert in coffee but his taste buds confirm that it’s his favourite drink: cappuccino with one sugar. 

“Thank you,” Jeno says quietly, raising the cup to take another sip. Of course Renjun remembers that he only likes his coffee if it has sugar in it. “It tastes good.” 

Renjun breaks into a smile and Jeno resists the urge to smile with him. 

“You’re done with exams now, right? Are you feeling better? Jaemin told me that you had a fever.” 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Jeno says curtly. He’s still feeling a little shitty inside, probably because of the alcohol from last night. Other than that, his fever has gone away and he’s generally better. “What did you want to talk about?” 

There are many things that Jeno wants to talk to Renjun about, but he doesn’t want to put himself in a situation where he accidentally reveals his feelings. Renjun doesn’t need to know. He can’t know—it’s for the best. That way, Jeno can travel home with Jaemin and let himself move on and forget. 

“I wanted to talk about our phone call last night,” Renjun begins slowly, approaching the topic he wants to discuss but remaining rather vague.

“Phone call?” Jeno asks, confused.

He vaguely remembers dreaming about being on the phone with Renjun last night. Other than that, everything else is fuzzy in his mind.

“You called me last night,” Renjun says gently. “I think you were very drunk… Confused and upset as well.” 

Jeno reels back and sets down his cup of coffee. He fishes his phone out from his pocket to search his call history. Sure enough, right beneath Jaemin’s call this morning, is a call to Renjun at half-past four in the morning. 

“Fuck,” Jeno hisses under his breath, placing his phone back down on the table. He props his elbows on the table and buries his face into his hands. 

Renjun leaves him be. Jeno doesn’t know how long they sit there for but he’s thankful for the silence. He wracks his brain and tries to recall what he could have possibly said to Renjun last night for him to request to meet up. Nothing comes to mind. He curses at himself for being foolish enough to drink so much last night. 

“I don’t remember,” Jeno admits eventually, his face still in his hands. 

Renjun lowers his voice and says, “Hey, it’s alright.” He wraps a hand around Jeno’s wrist gently and tries to coax Jeno out of the position he is in. 

Jeno jerks away, tugging his hand away from Renjun. “Please don’t touch me,” he says, choking on his words. He didn’t even realise that he was crying. His palms are damp from a mixture of his sweat and the tears from his eyes. 

The hurt is evident on Renjun’s face but he smothers it within seconds, smoothing out his face. 

“Sorry,” Renjun apologises sincerely. “I’ve been thinking lately. A lot, actually. I’ve been thinking about you over the past few weeks, but I was afraid to distract you from your studies and I wanted to discuss this in person.”

Jeno recalls how hurt Renjun had sounded when Jeno had snapped at him over the phone about how he didn’t have to study for exams. It’s a gut-wrenching memory and all Jeno can think about is how he hurts Renjun time after time. Renjun deserves someone who will take care of him better and Jeno is probably not the best person. 

Renjun takes a gulp of his drink—a tea of some sort—before he continues, “I know I should have said something earlier but I was scared. We never talked about it again but… I remember that night, Jeno. I remember what happened after our last Zova run. It all came back to me and I know we should have talked about it.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Jeno cries, lacing his fingers together tightly to stop his hands from shaking. He’s not trying to blame Renjun for not speaking up—after all, Jeno is at fault for not approaching him about it too. He’s asking out of curiosity. 

A long sigh escapes Renjun. “I was scared,” he confesses. “I didn’t want to lose you.” 

Jeno dares himself to glance up at Renjun and to look him in the eyes. An odd sense of relief washes over Jeno. It takes a moment for him to process why he feels the way he is right now. It’s somewhat comforting knowing that he wasn’t the only one who was scared and that Renjun experienced something similar. 

Jeno averts his gaze as he admits, “I was scared too.” His chest still feels heavy, though admitting this does elevate a little bit of the weight on his shoulders.

The surface of the table is littered with droplets of his tears and he doesn’t know what he wants to do more: laugh or cry. This conversation feels very surreal, almost like he’s in a dream. He hopes it’s not a dream. Jeno is tired of dreaming about Renjun and then waking up to the disappointing realisation that whatever had happened was not real. 

“I didn’t want to lose you,” Renjun repeats. “I knew that we couldn’t be friends with benefits—the way that Donghyuck and I were. You’ve always made that very clear… but I didn’t know how else I could have you.”

Deciding that there’s nothing left to lose, Jeno speaks up. “Well, I like you. I like you so fucking much that it hurts. You’re the first and last thing on my mind every single day and—fuck, I don’t know.” 

Jeno cuts himself off with a frustrated groan. He is in desperate need of a tissue. His nose is all clogged up and gross; it’s not an attractive sight. 

“No, keep going,” Renjun says in a small voice. “I like you so fucking much too.”

Jeno whips his head up to stare at Renjun. “What?” 

“You’re really going to make me say it again?” Renjun asks, letting out a short bark of laughter. “I like you too, Jeno.” 

“Oh god,” Jeno breathes. He buries his face back into his hands, ignoring how damp his cheeks feel. “Really?” 

“Really,” Renjun replies with certainty. 

Jeno shuts his eyes and silently prays that this is really happening. He prays that this isn’t just a dream or a mere fragment of his imagination. 

“Also you look so fucking hot with that hair colour I can’t stop staring at you,” Renjun adds. “I can’t believe you actually dyed your hair platinum blond… I was just joking when we talked about it.” 

Jeno lifts his head. “Are you going to call me old?” he jokes weakly. 

“No, just hot.” 

As their voices join in a chorus of laughter, Jeno thinks about how much he has missed this. There’s still a smidge of fear that lurks inside him. It plants seeds of doubt and leaves Jeno afraid that Renjun would disappear. But for now, Jeno revels in Renjun’s presence, thankful to have him back by his side. 

“I need some time to think,” Jeno pipes up after he finishes the last of his coffee. “My mind’s a mess right now and I’d like to go away and think about our conversation today.” 

Renjun nods, “Me too. Take as long as you need.”

Jeno takes a deep breath, summoning every cell of courage in his body. He stretches out a shaking hand over the top of the table to grab Renjun’s hand. 

“Next time we meet… Would you like to go out on a date with me?” 

Renjun nods again, more eagerly this time. “Of course, I’d love to.” He squeezes Jeno’s hand reassuringly. 

“Okay,” Jeno says, feeling breathless. “I’m glad.” 

Renjun turns their laced hands over so that he can pat the back of Jeno’s hand with his free hand. “I wanted to ask you out first but you beat me to it.” 

“You can decide where we go,” Jeno negotiates. 

Renjun lifts Jeno’s hand and presses a firm kiss on the back of his hand. He smiles around Jeno’s hand. 

“It’s a date.”

***

“You guys are what?” Jaemin all but yells into the phone.

Jeno pulls his phone away from his ear.

“Gee, I just said we’re going out on a date tonight,” Jeno replies casually. 

Jaemin screeches and it instantly reminds Jeno of the time when Renjun called him screaming for a Zova run. The past few months had gone on for so long that this particular memory feels like it’s from a lifetime ago. 

“He’s just excited,” Mark says after a few seconds of loud rustling on the other end of the phone. “Go enjoy your date. I’m sure Jaemin will calm down after a bit.” 

“Alright, talk to you later,” Jeno laughs, unsure if his words are directed at Mark or Jaemin. 

The phone call ends and Jeno is left mulling over his choice of clothing. He had called Jaemin to ask for advice about what to wear, but it slipped his mind that he hadn’t exactly mentioned what happened when he met up with Renjun and what they planned to do tonight. Renjun insisted on going somewhere comfortable for their first date and emphasised that he would like Jeno to dress casually.

Jeno ends up going out in a plain white shirt with a pair of black ripped jeans. Although it’s not the outfit he envisioned himself wearing on his first date with Renjun, he had to make a quick decision to make it onto the metro he had planned to take. Renjun requested that they meet at the metro station closest to him—the one that Jeno travels to when he goes to university. 

It’s been two days since he last saw Renjun and to say that he is excited to see him is an understatement. He’s thankful for the alone time he had to process his thoughts and feelings over the past few months. All in all, Jeno knows that he would have saved himself from this emotional mess if he had spoken up about his feelings earlier. Not that it matters anymore because things seemed to work out in his favour in the end. 

Jeno doesn’t know what to expect for this date but the secrecy adds to the excitement building inside him. Renjun is waiting for him by the ticket gates when he arrives at the station. Excited to get to Renjun, Jeno nearly taps the wrong card—his student card instead of his travel card—to exit the gates.

Renjun lights up visibly at the sight of Jeno, his lips spreading into the loveliest smile. Jeno wishes he could preserve this moment in his memories forever and ever. Renjun reaches his arms out and draws Jeno into a hug. 

Looping his arms around Jeno’s neck and standing on his tiptoes, Renjun whispers into his ear, “Hello.” 

Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist, revelling in the way Renjun tucks his chin against his shoulder. Renjun fits comfortably around him and Jeno thinks about how he could get used to this. 

“Are you hungry?” Renjun asks when he pulls away. 

Jeno’s mildly disappointed that Renjun is no longer in his arms, though he won’t admit this aloud. 

“Yeah. Where are we going to eat?” Jeno tilts his head in the direction of the station exit.

Renjun flashes him a smug smile. He curls a hand around Jeno’s and tugs him in the direction of the exit. “It’s a surprise,” Renjun says. 

Jeno blindly follows Renjun, letting himself be taken wherever Renjun wants him to be. His heart thumps embarrassingly fast and he wills his mind to calm down. 

“Here?” Jeno raises an eyebrow when they end up outside the tonkatsu restaurant near campus. “Are you serious about this?” 

“What? We agreed on letting me pick the place for dinner,” Renjun whines. He tugs Jeno towards the restaurant but Jeno stands his ground and refuses to budge. 

“But we come here all the time… Don’t you want to go somewhere different?” 

It’s not that Jeno was expecting a fancy first date. He doesn’t mind where they go as long as he’s with Renjun, though he does wonder if Renjun will ever get sick of eating at this tonkatsu place that they’ve frequented way too many times over their years of studying in this area. 

Renjun shakes his head. “I’m craving the food from here.”

“Alright,” Jeno shrugs and allows Renjun to lead the way. 

As the waiter seats them, Jeno ponders the memories from his last time here with Jaemin. The memories aren’t pleasant at all and every time Jeno reflects on his own behaviour during that conversation with Renjun—how he had snapped at him and treated him unfairly—a fresh wave of regret washes over him. 

Noticing that Jeno has remained quiet since they entered the restaurant, Renjun pipes up and asks if Jeno is alright. After a brief moment of hesitation, Jeno opens up, despite being afraid of Renjun’s reaction at the mention of such an unhappy moment in their relationship. 

Instead, Renjun brushes it off. “It’s alright, you were stressed,” he says kindly. “Sometimes we say things that we don’t mean to. Does coming here remind you of that time?” 

Jeno nibbles his bottom lip. “Yeah.” 

Renjun pours a glass of water for Jeno and hands it to him with a fond look on his face. “Well, I hope that we can create some new memories tonight, so that the next time you come here, you will remember happy times only.” 

Jeno wishes he has the courage to steal kisses from Renjun right there and then. He wants to kiss Renjun all night long and tell him just how much he likes him—to make up for all the time that they had lost over the last few weeks.

When the food arrives, Renjun lets out a small cheer. Jeno laughs at this, though he does relate with Renjun’s response. The freshly served plates of food look particularly appetising—as they usually do—and Jeno can’t wait to dig in. Over the next twenty minutes, they do more eating than talking and in no time, the food is gone. 

“Dessert?” Jeno chirps brightly. His stomach feels a little full but there’s always room for dessert. 

Renjun nods, agreeing with this suggestion. They head to the counter and Jeno loses the fight to pay. “I was the one who picked where we’re eating today so I get to pay,” Renjun reasons. “You can pay next time, don’t worry.” 

Jeno perks up at the promise of another date. They stroll down the road, hand in hand, and search for a place to have dessert. There are three or four dessert places open but they’re all packed to the brim with people. 

“Is it okay if we just have ice cream tonight? You can pick the flavour,” Renjun hums, swinging their arms back and forth. 

“Sure,” Jeno grins wickedly. He has the perfect flavour in mind for Renjun.

They agree on getting two scoops in one cone to share and much to Renjun’s dismay, Jeno picks salted caramel and chocolate mint. 

“God, that’s a disgusting combination,” Renjun groans. He refuses to back down on his word so he allows Jeno to proceed anyway. “Why do you always pick chocolate mint for me?” 

“Because you don’t like it,” Jeno snickers as he hands Renjun a small spoon. 

“Of course not! It tastes like toothpaste,” Renjun tilts his head haughtily.

“It’s the best flavour. I don’t take criticism,” Jeno says, taking a small lick of the chocolate mint. “You finish it every time I get it for you though,” he points out after Renjun digs his spoon into the chocolate mint and takes a bite. “It’s growing on you, just admit it.” 

“No it’s not,” Renjun denies with a roll of his eyes. “I just think it’s a waste to throw it out.”

“Why would it be a waste? I’m here so I can finish it for you.” 

Renjun kicks at his shin and strikes Jeno successfully. “Whatever,” he grunts, slipping another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

They find their way to the small park near their campus and end up playing on the swings for a while. They spend a good ten minutes swinging at dangerous heights because Renjun dares Jeno to swing higher than him and Jeno refuses to stand down. 

Eventually, Renjun surrenders. “I’m tired,” he pants. “I’m at a disadvantage because my legs are shorter.”

Jeno comes to a stop on his swing and he tilts his head to look at Renjun. “Excuses,” he snickers. 

Renjun launches himself at Jeno to tackle him off the swing. Jeno slides off the swing with a yelp and Renjun cackles in his ear, straddling his waist. They stay there on the ground, Renjun’s head against Jeno’s chest as it rises and falls erratically. 

“Your heart is beating really fast,” Renjun muses, pressing his ear against Jeno’s chest.

“It’s always beating fast,” Jeno murmurs back, “when you’re around.” 

“Cheesy.” Renjun lifts his head to poke his tongue out at Jeno. 

“I’m telling the truth,” Jeno laughs, squirming to gauge if he can successfully dislodge Renjun. 

Somehow, Renjun predicts his next move and clamps his legs against Jeno’s sides tightly. The laughter dies down in Jeno’s chest as he stares up at Renjun, marvelling at his face. Even in the dimly lit playground at the park, Renjun shines brighter than the stars littering the night sky and Jeno wants to press kisses along every part of Renjun’s face.

“Renjun,” Jeno whispers. 

Renjun rests a hand on Jeno’s chest, probably to feel his heartbeat. “Yeah?” 

Jeno inhales slowly, resisting the urge to shiver under Renjun’s touch. He is painfully aware that he has been dishonest, both with Renjun and himself, about his feelings for Renjun over the past few months—years, even. There’s nothing he can do to change his behaviour in the past, but with this new chance Renjun has presented him, Jeno wants to ensure that he starts off on the right foot. 

So he takes another deep breath and asks, “Renjun, will you be my boyfriend?” 

Renjun peers down at him, examining his face. His eyes flit from Jeno’s eyes, down the curve of his nose, then to his lips. “Yes,” he replies with a beam. 

Without warning, Renjun leans in and presses his lips firmly against Jeno’s lips. Jeno whimpers at this, blindly reaching out a hand to feel Renjun’s face. When he cups Renjun’s cheek, Renjun parts his lips to let Jeno in. He licks into Renjun’s mouth and tastes the chocolate mint from their dessert. 

Like their hug at the station, Renjun is the first to pull away. Jeno must be terrible at hiding his disappointment because Renjun flashes him a look of sympathy before he leans in to give him one last peck. 

“It’s indecent to be doing this at a park,” Renjun says, climbing to his feet.

“We weren’t even doing anything indecent,” Jeno sniffs indignantly, still feeling rather miffed about having to stop kissing Renjun. “We were just kissing.”

“Kissing in the dark, on the ground, beside the swing set, _and_ with me straddling you?” Renjun lists, “Sounds pretty indecent to me.” 

Knowing very well that Renjun has made his point, Jeno grumbles, “Whatever.” He laces their fingers together and drags Renjun in the general direction of the metro. 

“Zova?” Renjun suggests.

Jeno shakes his head. The past two days allowed him to have a good think about his relationship with Renjun, but it’s not enough. He had spent a good few weeks hating Zova for what had happened between them, namely the Zova Incident. Overall, it was not a pleasant experience and Jeno needs more time to recover. 

“Not today,” Jeno says, almost pleading. “Can we go home?” 

Sensing that Jeno is uncomfortable at the thought of going to Zova, Renjun nods and allows Jeno to lead him towards the metro station. 

By the time they approach the station, Jeno changes his mind. He doesn’t want to go home just yet. 

“Can I walk you home?” Jeno asks Renjun, who blinks back at him in surprise.

“If you insist,” Renjun laughs when he recovers from his initial response to hearing this sudden request. 

As they amble towards Renjun’s dorm, Renjun untangles their hands to tuck himself against Jeno’s side. Jeno loops an arm around Renjun’s shoulder and draws him closer, nudging his cheek against the crown of Renjun’s head. 

Being on a date feels the same, yet strangely different, to how things used to be when they hung out previously. The main difference being Jeno finally being able to act on his thoughts and feelings, such as holding Renjun’s hand whenever he wants. 

“Are you still up for paintballing?” Renjun asks when they discuss where to go for their next date.

They had discussed this previously during their last Zova run. 

“Sure,” Jeno agrees. 

During his exam period, Jeno was so positive that this would not go on because he had never thought that things would turn out the way they did. 

“Ah, damn,” Jeno curses under his breath as he recalls that he was meant to pack to head home with Jaemin in a few days. “I actually made plans to travel home with Jaemin.”

“Go with him then,” Renjun says gently. “I have booked tickets to visit some family as well, so I will be flying out of the country next week. Which reminds me, I have one week to pack everything in my dorm.” 

The thought of packing has Renjun groaning and Jeno pats his back sympathetically. 

“I’ll postpone my trip home by a week,” Jeno decides. Jaemin can travel back first and he will follow a week later. He wants to maximise the time that he has with Renjun before he’s flying overseas. 

“Are you sure?” Renjun frowns. “What about Jaemin?” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him about it.” 

Jaemin probably won’t be happy, though Jeno knows that he will still be as understanding as he can, especially if Jeno explains his situation. Jeno shakes his head in disbelief. He was so eager to spend time away from Renjun over the past few weeks. The tables have turned and Jeno is now dreading the weeks that they will be separated.

Renjun’s dorm is filled with half-packed boxes and his belongings are scattered everywhere. Jeno is surprised to find that Jisung’s side of the room is clean and bare. 

“Jisung moved out already?” Jeno asks, scanning the area.

“Yeah, his family booked a holiday. He’s also on top of his packing so he actually got to move out on the day he’d planned to leave. Unlike me,” Renjun says sheepishly. 

The pain of staying in the student accommodation is that at the end of each schooling year, the students have to move out of their dorm. Not only will they be assigned a new room in the following school year, they also have to rent a storage space to keep their belongings over the summer break. Jeno is lucky that his uncle had purchased a studio apartment near campus when his eldest cousin was studying in university and that they were happy to rent the place to Jeno at a discounted price. 

“The rent for the storage is ridiculously expensive now,” Renjun frowns, kicking a box out of the way. “They keep raising the price every year.” 

“You can leave your stuff at my place over summer,” Jeno offers. “I can come over tomorrow afternoon to help you pack and move some stuff?” 

“That would be amazing,” Renjun sighs. “Packing gives me a headache.”

Jeno hums sympathetically, thinking about his own packing. He won’t need to pack too much for his trip home since things like toiletries will be available. It’s mainly his clothing, as he has grown out of most of the clothes he used to wear back in high school. He had another growth spurt during the first year of university. 

“Do you want to stay over?” Renjun offers. Although his face remains neutral, his tone of voice is hopeful. “It’s getting late.” 

The offer is tempting and Jeno wants to spend every minute, every second that he can with Renjun. However, Jeno knows that deep down, he’s not ready to spend time in bed with Renjun. They’re probably just going to cuddle and sleep, but things could escalate quickly and after the Zova Incident, Jeno definitely needs time to talk things through with Renjun properly before they try anything more than cuddles. 

“Thanks for the offer, but I’d prefer going home,” Jeno declines politely. 

Renjun nods and walks him to the front door. They make out by the door for more than five minutes before Renjun pulls away for the third time tonight and pushes Jeno out the front door.

“Don’t miss the last metro!” Renjun grins. 

Jeno sighs at the sight. Renjun’s lips are slightly swollen and he’s just so, so pretty. Jeno doesn’t know if he will ever get used to how beautiful Renjun is. 

“I won’t, it’s not that late.” Jeno waves and tries not to look over his shoulder when he hears Renjun’s door click shut. 

While their first date is mundane and feels just like every other time they have spent time together, Jeno goes to bed feeling giddy and secure knowing that Renjun is his boyfriend and his only. Not Donghyuck’s, nor Ten’s. But Jeno’s boyfriend.

***

By the time Jeno arrives at Renjun’s dorm to help him with his packing, Renjun has already finished packing his third box. Insisting that he’s making good progress by himself, Renjun forces him to sit on Jisung’s bed and makes him a cup of tea.

The tea tastes lovely with just enough sugar in it—Renjun never forgets that Jeno likes his drinks sweetened. Jeno nurses the mug of steaming hot tea and perches himself on Jisung’s bed. The mattress looks awfully bare without Jisung’s usual baby blue bed sheets. 

As Renjun sorts through his array of art supplies, they discuss Renjun’s living arrangements for their final year of university. While he packs items like his clothes, toiletries, and books haphazardly, Renjun takes extra care with his art equipment. 

“They’ve added this optional thing on the forms that allow you to nominate other students as your roommate,” Renjun explains as he tosses out two empty tubes of acrylic paint. “Jisung and I nominated each other, but I don’t know how reliable that system is.” 

Jisung is a delight to be around and Jeno hopes that they will stay as roommates next year. Even if they aren’t assigned the same dorm room, Jeno hopes that Jisung stays around. 

“Do you use all of your pencils?” Jeno asks. He unfolds his legs to let them hang from the side of the bed. 

Renjun examines the graphite pencils laid out before him, then glances up at Jeno with an embarrassed look. “Not really,” he admits sheepishly. “I went through this impulse buying phase last year. But I did buy pencils from different brands, so you could say that I was testing for the best brand.” 

Half an hour later, Jeno hops off the bed and insists on helping out. He’s been itching to help Renjun but he didn’t want to touch his art supplies. If Jeno were to accidentally damage anything, Renjun would probably chase him out of the dorm. They’re Renjun’s babies after all.

“Can I do something? Like fold your clothes properly?” Jeno peers into a box labelled ‘clothes’ in large print with a red permanent marker. 

Renjun clearly lost his patience as he transferred his clothes from his wardrobe into the box. The clothing at the bottom of the box are still neatly folded in stacks, but the ones at the top look like they were tossed inside hastily. 

“Go for it,” Renjun waves him away before turning back to the canvases he’s trying to fit into a tall box. Some of them are half-finished works while others are fresh, blank canvases. 

When Jeno is done folding the tenth shirt in the pile, he sneaks a glance at Renjun and finds him still frowning over the canvases.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know if I want to ship these home or not,” Renjun sighs, scratching his head. “I’ll be working on some projects over summer.” 

“Take them with you on your way home?” Jeno suggests. 

Renjun pulls all of the canvases out of the box and rearranges them by placing the largest one in first. “I’m flying to see my grandparents first so I won’t be going home until after my trip.” 

“Do you really need to take all of them back? Maybe you could leave them all at my place and then pick a few to take home when you’re back from your trip. You can have my spare key.” 

Renjun makes a thoughtful noise at the back of his throat. “Okay, that works. I’ll probably just need these two,” he says as he selects two canvases. “There’s a shop near my parents’ place so I guess I could always buy new ones if I need more.” 

Once the canvas dilemma is resolved, Renjun is pretty much set to move out, save for a few minor things like his bedsheets. Renjun flops onto his own bed with a loud whine and insists that he needs a nap before they move some of the boxes to Jeno’s apartment. 

“Come here,” Renjun mumbles into his pillow, patting the spot beside him on his bed. 

The bed dips as Jeno sits on the edge of Renjun’s bed. As he repositions himself to lay down on the bed, Renjun sits bolt upright. He presses down on Jeno’s shoulders gently. 

“Wait, stay here. I have something for you,” Renjun says, sliding off the bed. 

Jeno watches from the bed as Renjun peeps behind the wardrobe and pulls out a large canvas from the gap between the wardrobe and the wall. 

“Ta-dah!” Renjun exclaims, raising the canvas in the air. “This is for you!” 

Pointing a finger to his own chest, Jeno asks, “For me?” 

Renjun presses the canvas into his hands. The front of the canvas is covered by wrapping paper. “For you,” he confirms. 

Jeno grins up at Renjun. “What’s the occasion?”

He fiddles with the edge of the canvas where Renjun had meticulously taped down the wrapping paper. Up close Jeno realises that the paper is white with golden specks. It doesn’t look printed like the wrapping papers from the stores and Jeno wonders if Renjun had decorated it himself. 

“No occasion,” Renjun says with a shrug. “You wanted to be the first one to see it… Other than my professors of course. I tried to keep it away from Jisung, but I don’t know if he snuck glances at it when I was out or asleep.”

Jeno had completely forgotten that he modelled for Renjun’s major work this semester. With his exams and the whole Zova Incident, it had slipped his mind. After all, he did try his utmost best to shut out memories of Renjun over the past few weeks. 

Renjun watches him fondly, almost expectantly. Jeno gulps, unsure what to expect. Renjun did mention previously that this is a portrait, so it will be a painting of him. The mere thought of seeing himself from Renjun’s eyes—at least, how he interprets Jeno in a creative manner—is exciting yet terrifying. Minuscule beads of sweat begin to form at the tips of his fingers and on his palm. Jeno peels the tape off the edges and unveils the canvas. 

“Oh,” Jeno gasps at the sight. 

The canvas before is not a mere painting of Jeno. Displayed right before his eyes is a realistic painting of himself. He leans closer to get a better look. The features drawn on the canvas are scarily similar to what Jeno recognises as his own face when he examines himself in the mirror or photos. Most important of all, the Jeno in the painting has blond hair—it’s more of a silver blond than the platinum blond he has but the detail is exquisite. Jeno stares at it for another minute, dumbfounded. 

“It’s gorgeous,” Jeno whispers when he finally retrieves his words. “It… it’s so realistic and—is this how you see me?”

He runs his fingers over his face on the canvas, feeling the slight bumps on the spots where Renjun had painted more layers. 

“Of course,” Renjun chortles. He extends a hand to pat Jeno’s head, stroking his hair gently before trailing down the side of his face to cup his cheek. “You’re more gorgeous than this painting though. I felt sad while painting this because I knew I couldn’t capture your beauty.”

“Cheesy,” Jeno comments, unsure what else to say in response to Renjun’s compliment. He thumbs at painting Jeno’s hair. “My hair…” 

“I didn’t want to spoil the painting at the time, but do you understand why I was so shocked when you showed up with your hair dyed like this?” Renjun’s fingers ghost along Jeno’s cheekbones then back up to his hair again. Renjun cards through the blond strands and untangles a small knot. “I’ve thought about you with this hair colour for so many nights. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that you actually dyed it.”

Jeno extends his neck to kiss Renjun on the cheek. “I love it, thank you,” he whispers against Renjun’s cheek. 

Renjun shifts his head so that their lips meet. Gently, he cups the side of Jeno’s face with both hands. He kisses Jeno slowly at first, then desperately, like Jeno will disappear if he doesn’t cling onto him. 

Without pulling away from Renjun, Jeno props the canvas against the side of the bed. Renjun tips backwards onto the mattress, tugging Jeno down with him. He tightens his hold around Jeno’s face, refusing to let go when Jeno repositions himself. 

Jeno doesn’t know how long they make out for. Time is hard to grasp when Renjun is laid out on the bed with Jeno straddling him. As Renjun kisses him, Jeno thinks about how Renjun continues to look breathtakingly beautiful no matter how many times he examines his face. 

Jeno pulls away from the kiss, panting and out of breath. As he catches his breath, Renjun snatches this opportunity to suckle at the spot under his jawline. With a loud whine, Jeno pushes himself back against Renjun’s lap. 

Renjun groans loudly against Jeno’s neck and it is only then that Jeno realises that Renjun is aroused, straining against his pants. His heart rate picks up at the thought of what they’re doing and what might happen soon. To be frank, he’s not overly surprised that he will be having sex with Renjun so early on in their relationship. It’s not a bad thing, per se, because Jeno wants Renjun too. 

Renjun’s hand slips under his shirt and begins to roam as he cranes his neck to reach Jeno’s lips again. Jeno pulls away after the third kiss.

“Jeno?” Renjun calls out, confused. 

Jeno clambers off Renjun’s lap to settle between Renjun’s legs instead. He inches a hand under Renjun’s shirt and feels around the soft expanse of Renjun’s stomach. Renjun exhales shakily when Jeno lifts his shirt and presses a palm against his abdomen. 

Jeno’s hand looks larger than they usually do when pressed against Renjun’s bare tummy. The sight stirs something inside Jeno. He knew that Renjun had a petite frame—it’s definitely on his list of top five favourite things about Renjun—but he had never thought that their difference in size would be so evident. He pushes Renjun’s shirt higher to expose more of his stomach and leans down to press kisses along the right side of Renjun’s abdomen. 

“Jeno,” Renjun gasps, hands flying out to reach for Jeno’s head. 

The way Renjun gently strokes Jeno’s hair as he presses kiss after kiss on Renjun’s stomach spurs him on. He stops at the spot beneath his belly button and sucks hard until he leaves a red mark. Renjun whimpers at this, so Jeno leaves two more marks. 

“I love this hair colour on you,” Renjun sighs happily. 

Jeno turns his head to one side, pressing his ear against Renjun’s abdomen so that he can look back up at Renjun. He is pleased to find a toothy grin on Renjun’s face. Jeno desperately wants to please Renjun and to make him happy, but the mere thought of slipping a hand past the waistband of Renjun’s pants leaves him slightly dizzy and breathless. 

Jeno sits upright to look at Renjun’s erection. The thoughts in his head are conflicting with how his body is reacting and it’s puzzling. Jeno ignores the tingling sensation rushing through his veins and slowly reaches out to cup Renjun’s dick through his pants. 

He waits for Renjun’s groan, but it never comes. Jeno glances up to find Renjun’s brows furrowed and a frown on his face. Renjun pushes himself upright and reaches out to cup Jeno’s cheeks. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Renjun asks, concern evident in his voice. 

“Nothing?” Jeno replies. He doesn’t understand Renjun’s sudden change in expression. Maybe his hands were too slow. 

So Jeno glides his hand up Renjun’s leg and reaches out to tug down his pants. Right as Jeno curls his fingers beneath the waistband, one of Renjun’s hands fly out to cover the back of Jeno’s, effectively stopping his hand. 

“Jeno,” Renjun says firmly. “Let’s stop here.”

“Why?” Jeno whines. Renjun is clearly hard and he needs some assistance. 

“You’re shaking, Jeno. Not just your hand, but your whole body is quivering,” Renjun points out. Now that Renjun has mentioned it, Jeno notices that his hand is, in fact, shaking helplessly. “You don’t need to touch me if you’re not up for it. It’s meant to be fun and I don’t want you to force yourself to do something that’s making you feel uncomfortable.” 

What Renjun is saying is true—to some extent, at least. The way Jeno’s body is reacting to this situation is making Jeno feel very uncomfortable and for some reason, his own dick is not hard. Considering how easily Jeno usually pops an erection at the mere thought of Renjun when he is in his own bed, this is rather unusual. 

“I’m not forcing myself,” Jeno declares truthfully. “I want to do this.” 

“I know you want to do this, but I think it’s best if we stop. Your body is clearly saying no,” Renjun says gently. He pries Jeno’s fingers away from his waistband. Instead of pushing Jeno’s hand aside, Renjun laces their fingers together. “Are you scared?” 

Jeno starts to shake his head but Renjun encourages him to have a good think before replying. When Jeno delves past the thoughts about pleasuring Renjun, he is reminded of the Zova Incident. The last time they touched each other like this was after their last Zova run. 

“I think,” Jeno says slowly, still gathering his thoughts. 

Although he doesn’t fully understand why he’s feeling the way he is right now, a part of him urges him to open up to Renjun about it. Two brains are better than one and perhaps Renjun can provide insight to his own thoughts and feelings.

“I think doing this reminds me of our last Zova run and I…” Jeno trails off then sighs. “This is stupid.” 

Renjun rubs at the back of Jeno’s hand with his thumb. “It’s not stupid,” he reassures. “Tell me more?” 

Jeno gulps. “I thought you forgot everything that happened on that night. Everything we did. I didn’t know how to bring it up because it felt like talking about how we—what we did—would make us into friends with benefits and I just couldn’t do that.” 

The thoughts are finally coming together as he voices them aloud, one after the other. Renjun doesn’t say anything. Although his face remains neutral, he hums as Jeno talks, encouraging him to continue. 

“I don’t know,” Jeno shakes his head sadly. His vision blurs a little and he looks up to the ceiling as he tries to blink the tears away. “I wish I didn’t feel or think this way. Maybe I’ve just associated doing something so intimate like this with losing you… Is that even possible?” 

“Let’s take things slowly,” Renjun announces when he finally speaks again. “Heck, we haven’t even gone on our second date!” 

At Renjun’s words, Jeno laughs softly. Renjun smiles, pulling their hands up to his face. He presses kisses along the back of Jeno’s hand.

“Jeno, I’m not going to disappear. No matter what we do together, out and about or in bed, I’m going to stay right here—by your side,” Renjun adds reassuringly. 

“Okay,” Jeno whispers back. 

The tears don’t seem to be going away no matter how hard he wills his mind to think of something else, something happier. He closes his eyes and as Renjun’s arms wrap around his body, the urge to cry overwhelms him. 

Jeno loses track of how long he cries in Renjun’s arms, but he does feel better when the tears finally stop. Exhausted, Jeno leans forward to press his head against Renjun’s chest. Renjun curls his arms tighter around Jeno and tucks his chin against Jeno’s head.

“Are you up for cuddles?” Renjun hums against the crown of his head. 

Jeno makes a small noise of agreement at the back of his throat. Renjun tips his weight towards the side closer to the head of the bed and Jeno follows. They both flop onto their sides with their heads against Renjun’s pillows. Within minutes, Jeno dozes off to the feeling of Renjun carding his hand through his hair. 

When Jeno wakes, his head is in Renjun’s lap. Renjun had readjusted himself so that he was sitting upright with his back against the headboard. Jeno pushes himself up and Renjun stirs, eyes cracking open slowly. 

“What time is it?” Renjun yawns, stretching his arms out above his head. His shirt rides up and Jeno feels rather pleased at the sight of the hickeys he had left on Renjun’s stomach earlier. 

Opening up to Renjun and crying after that seemed to have removed all the pent up negative feelings that had poisoned his mind over the past few weeks. Jeno’s eyes feel a little swollen but his chest feels lighter. 

“It’s five,” Jeno replies after checking his phone. “Are you hungry?” 

Renjun shrugs, “Not really.”

“Are you up for some box moving? I reckon we can get some of these boxes moved to my apartment today,” Jeno suggests.

Renjun agrees so they spend the next hour and a half travelling between Renjun’s dorm and Jeno’s apartment to move some of the packed boxes. It’s a little inconvenient because they need to walk to the metro station then take the metro to Jeno’s place. Jeno doesn’t mind though, not when he has Renjun to keep him company. 

They make good progress and Jeno thinks they will only need another two trips to finish moving the remaining boxes in Renjun’s dorm. At Renjun’s suggestion, they order takeaway fried chicken at one of the restaurants nearby and take the food back to Jeno’s apartment. They eat dinner together while a movie plays in the background on Jeno’s laptop. 

The two of them migrate from the table to Jeno’s bed after dinner. They finish the movie in bed with Jeno’s head tucked against Renjun’s side. Renjun stays over until ten before Jeno walks him to the metro station. 

Jeno hangs out with Renjun almost every single day after that, save for the day he sees Jaemin off at the station. He meets Jaemin two hours before Jaemin’s bus and they catch up over lunch. 

“On second thought, I might forgive you for ditching me because you’re being nice to Renjun again,” Jaemin sniffs as Jeno helps him with his suitcase. 

“Please, I’m just staying back for an extra week.” Jeno rolls his eyes. “I’ll be back home with you in no time.” 

Jaemin pokes at Jeno’s side. “Where’s Renjun? I want to see him, not you.”

“He’s at his dorm. He didn’t want to come along because he wanted us to have, let me quote, ‘quality one-on-one catch up time’ together.” 

They eat at a burger place and Jeno offers to pay for lunch. As the meal goes on, Jaemin becomes significantly less miffed about the fact that he will be travelling home alone. Jeno waits at the station with him until the bus comes and then he watches the bus drive off until it disappears around the corner. 

Jeno takes the same bus home a week later. In the morning, he travels to the airport with Renjun and sees him off for his flight at noon. After Renjun checks in his suitcase, Jeno tears up at the thought of not seeing Renjun for over a month. 

Renjun pulls him into a tight hug. “It’s just a month,” Renjun laughs, patting his head endearingly. “We can call every day if that makes you feel more at ease?” 

“It’s not the same,” Jeno whines. He buries his face in Renjun’s neck. 

Renjun pecks his forehead. “Don’t cry, baby,” he whispers into Jeno’s ear. 

Jeno cries on the way back to his apartment but feels better by the time he has to leave for his bus. When he arrives two hours later, his mother picks him up at the station in their old family car with Jaemin in the passenger seat. Jeno holds himself together until after dinner when he’s back in his room with Jaemin still by his side. 

“There, there,” Jaemin says sympathetically, patting Jeno on the back. Then, he offers in a small voice, “You have me?” 

Jeno nods with a sad whine, though he is mildly jealous of the fact that Mark will be visiting Jaemin in a fortnight. If only Renjun had time to visit Jeno as well. He wants to show Renjun around his hometown and to take him to all of his favourite places. He doesn’t get to wallow in self-pity for long because minutes later, his phone buzzes and Renjun appears on the screen with a bright smile. 

Seeing Renjun and hearing his voice, even if it’s through a screen, makes Jeno feel better instantly and he wonders if the next month without Renjun physically by his side will actually be more bearable than he thinks.

***

Spending his first summer away from his boyfriend is not as horrible as Jeno had envisioned.

Jaemin keeps him company during the day, then every night after dinner, Renjun calls at exactly eight-thirty and they talk until either of them feels sleepy. Even when Mark arrives for his visit, Jeno continues to have plenty of fun. 

Jaemin and Mark limit the amount of physically intimate interactions they share around Jeno, so rather than feeling like a third wheel, Jeno genuinely enjoys his time hanging around them. He’s thankful because during the rare moments when he recalls that Mark is his best friend’s boyfriend and not his lab partner, he catches himself missing Renjun a great amount. 

Although both his parents are busy with work, Jeno still spends quality time with them over the weekend. They take him on day trips and Jeno gets to pick a new place he wants to try for lunch or dinner every weekend. His dad works night shifts so he sleeps during the day, but Jeno gets a few hours with him in the early evening before he leaves for work. 

Jeno also picks up a part-time job at the mart near his house. They ask him to come in three to four times per week during the day. His boss usually asks him to man the counter or do a stocktake of the items on the shelves, so his co-worker can restock the shelves and order more products after Jeno’s shift ends.

During the third week of his trip back home, Jeno’s mother flies to the other side of the country to visit his cousin who recently had baby twins. Jeno wanted to meet the babies but was unable to negotiate work leave since he was hired for the summer only. 

“Mark made plans to spend time with me… just the two of us,” Jaemin explains when Jeno calls him to make plans for the week. 

“It’s alright,” Jeno replies, trying to be as understanding as he can. “I can keep myself entertained for a few days.” 

He reminds himself that he was the one who had left Jaemin to travel home alone when he opted to spend more time with Renjun. It’s only fair that Jaemin gets to spend alone time with his boyfriend. No matter how much Jeno tries to reason with himself, his thoughts still mismatch his feelings and he can’t help but feel bitter. 

So Jeno finds himself spending his Wednesday evening lazing in bed after his shift at the mart. Beyond his bedroom door, he hears his dad bustling about in the kitchen as he washes up the dishes before getting ready to leave for work. His dad had offered to heat food for him but Jeno didn’t feel hungry at the time. 

Laying on his back with his phone held above his head, Jeno sends a brief text to Renjun, asking how his day was going. He vaguely thinks about how his mother usually nags him for looking at his phone while lying down, but she’s not around to yap at him right now. Renjun texts back ten minutes later with a vague reply about catching up with a friend soon. 

As he is composing his reply to Renjun, his dad knocks on his bedroom door firmly. It startles Jeno and he lets out a quiet groan when his phone slips from his hand and lands on his face. 

His dad cracks open the door to peep at him. “I’m off to work now,” he says. “Make sure you eat something before going to bed.”

“Okay, bye,” Jeno hums with a small wave. 

Once his dad shuts his door, Jeno rubs at his left cheek with a wince. It hurts enough for Jeno to be mildly worried that it will bruise. He really hopes that it won’t come to that because he doesn’t know if he can bring himself to explain how he acquired this bruise if people asked. 

About half an hour after his dad leaves, Jeno’s stomach begins to rumble. He pads downstairs to search for food. 

As he examines the contents of the fridge, the doorbell resounds. Deciding that he’s not in the mood for visitors, Jeno turns up the volume of his music and pretends to not hear it. 

To his dismay, the person at the door is persistent. They continue to ring the doorbell every few seconds, refusing to leave Jeno alone. On the sixth ring, Jeno surrenders. Hungry and irritated, he stomps to the door to shout whoever it is that is on his doorstep. 

“Can I help you?” Jeno snaps as he unlocks the front door. 

What he doesn’t expect is to find someone who looks an awful lot like Renjun on the other side of the door. 

Jeno reels back to examine them. It can’t possibly be Renjun—he’s still overseas. On top of that, Renjun has black hair, whereas this person’s hair is dyed a shade between grey and silver. It can’t be Renjun. Jeno concludes that his hungry stomach is making him see things that he’s not supposed to. That, and the fact that he misses Renjun.

“Took you a while to open the door,” the Renjun lookalike comments. Gosh, even their voice sounds similar to Renjun’s. 

Jeno peeps over the top of their head and is shocked to find that this person owns the same suitcase as Renjun. 

“Renjun?” Jeno blurts, his thoughts whirring around helplessly like a balloon let loose. 

“Surprise?” Renjun grins and leaps towards Jeno with his arms wide open. 

Jeno gapes dumbly as Renjun envelopes him in a warm hug. This person looks, speaks, acts, and even smells like Renjun, but his mind is so boggled by the fact that Renjun is physically here, in his hometown and on his doorstep. 

“You’re here?” Jeno murmurs in disbelief. 

“Yeah, I’m here,” Renjun confirms. 

As Renjun nuzzles his cheek against Jeno’s neck, Jeno wraps his arms around him tighter and draws him close. 

“I’ve missed you.” 

Renjun laughs softly into his ear. “I was only away for three weeks, silly.” 

They move inside Jeno’s house when Renjun complains about the heat. Even after sunset, the heat doesn’t die down. Jeno swears that the weather has become hotter and hotter with every summer. His parents don’t believe him though—they insist that it’s because Jeno is not used to living back home. 

“Have you eaten?” Renjun asks as he unties his shoelaces.

With a small shake of his head, Jeno replies, "I haven't."

Jeno has watched Renjun remove his shoes many times, yet it still baffles him how Renjun is bothered to untie his shoelaces every time. Renjun argues back and calls him lazy, but Jeno prefers calling himself an efficient person.

"Well, you'll be pleased to know that I brought food!" Renjun announces cheerily. He pulls out a takeaway box from his bag. "I hope you're up for fried chicken," he says in a hopeful voice.

Jeno’s mouth waters as Renjun lays out the cardboard box on the dining table. Renjun insists that they don't need utensils, so they eat the chicken with their hands. As they sit side by side at the table, Renjun reveals that Jaemin was the one who picked him up from the station. 

"What? Jaemin knew?" Jeno pushes himself away from the table and slumps in his seat. 

"Of course, he helped me to organise this surprise," Renjun replies nonchalantly.

Jeno knows that even though Renjun is acting casual about this surprise visit, deep down, Renjun must be feeling giddy inside. A part of Jeno feels guilty for being annoyed at Jaemin for being busy when he realises that it's because he was helping Renjun to surprise him.

"Are your parents home?" Renjun mumbles around a mouthful of chicken.

"My dad left for work a bit before you came by." Jeno nibbles around the chicken bone. "My mum is still away."

"Ah, that's right. Your cousin had twins?"

Jeno hums and sets the bone down on the newspaper they laid out on the table.

"Do your parents know that we're dating?" Renjun asks curiously.

Jeno chuckles as he recalls his first day back home. He was planning to tell his mother about his relationship with Renjun a few days after he returned home. He wanted to settle in before he broke the news to his parents. This plan was foiled rather quickly because of Jaemin and his big mouth. Within his first hour back home, his mother found out about Renjun. To Jeno's delight, she reacted positively and reminded Jeno to invite Renjun over to stay several times.

"Yeah, they do. My mum said she can't wait to meet you," Jeno beams at Renjun. Then, he hastily adds, "You're staying for more than a few days, right?"

Renjun throws his head back and laughs. "Yeah, I can stay. Only if you're allowed to have me over though." He pinches Jeno's cheek sharply and grins wickedly when Jeno reels back with a whine. "I can't wait to meet your mum too."

Half an hour later, having Renjun by his side continues to feel utterly surreal. Jeno's chest almost burns with happiness. Renjun visiting his hometown is like a dream come true and he can't wait to show Renjun around his favourite places. 

It's not Renjun's first time here—he visited previously for Jaemin's birthday party—but it will be their first time spending time in Jeno and Jaemin's hometown together as a couple. Maybe if Mark and Jaemin are up for it, they can even go on a double date.

"So much has changed here since I last visited," Renjun comments midway through their conversation about their plans for the next few days.

It constantly amazes Jeno how Renjun came to be a part of his life. Jaemin and Renjun met through a debating competition and remained good friends for many years before Renjun was invited to visit and attend Jaemin's party. He wonders if he would have met Renjun during university if Jaemin had never introduced them to each other. Jeno supposes that none of this matters because Renjun is both his best friend and boyfriend now.

After dinner, Jeno gives Renjun a quick tour of the house before he helps Renjun to move his suitcase upstairs. Renjun marvels at the family photos around the house and embarrasses Jeno to no end when he coos at Jeno's baby photos.

"Stop teasing me!" Jeno grumbles, shoving Renjun down the hallway to the bathroom. He pushes a clean towel in Renjun's hands. "Go shower!"

Renjun's cackles ring in his ears even after he shuts Renjun inside the bathroom. As he waits for Renjun, Jeno sends Jaemin a text message to thank him for helping Renjun. He also texts his parents to give them a heads up that Renjun has come over to visit.

"Have you showered?" Renjun asks, ducking his head inside Jeno's room. His hair is still damp from his shower.

"Yeah, I showered after work this afternoon," Jeno replies. He tugs at one corner of his shirt. "See? Pyjamas."

Renjun ambles into his room. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Stifling a yawn, Jeno says, "I'm a bit tired, but if you don't mind me falling asleep halfway?" Renjun shrugs as he takes a seat at the edge of the bed. A few droplets of water drip on Jeno's thigh when Renjun peers over to look at Jeno’s phone. "Go dry your hair!"

Jeno hates to admit this but he thinks his mother was right. He suspects that he got sick before his last exam because he went to bed with wet hair. Not wanting Renjun to go through the same thing he did, Jeno pushes Renjun's shoulder gently and urges him to head back to the bathroom. Renjun doesn't listen though. He shakes his head wildly like a dog and showers Jeno with more water droplets.

"Renjun!" Jeno shrieks when Renjun tackles him and presses his wet head against Jeno's chest.

They wrestle in bed until Jeno surrenders with a helpless whine. Pleased at Jeno's offer to dry his hair for him, Renjun sits back with a sly smile.

"I can't believe you dyed your hair as well," Jeno hums as he cards through Renjun's hair. He directs the hairdryer to the left side of Renjun's head and ruffles his hair gently to separate a wet clump.

When Jeno is done drying his hair, Renjun asks in a hopeful voice, “Do you like it?"

Jeno takes a step back to marvel at the sight before him. Halfway through their second year, Renjun had dyed his hair brown. This hair colour is such a drastic change from brown, but it suits Renjun so well.

"Of course I love it," Jeno replies genuinely. "It suits you."

"Now we're matching," Renjun beams, leaning closer to run his hand through Jeno's hair.

Jeno stares into Renjun's eyes as he feels Renjun's hand rest at the back of his neck. Since Renjun's arrival, Jeno has been meaning to steal a kiss from him. He nearly kissed Renjun on the lips when they were on the doorstep, but he backed out at the last moment. Perhaps Jeno is more used to being friends with Renjun than having him as his boyfriend.

If Renjun noticed Jeno staring at his lips throughout dinner, he didn't say anything.

After much hesitation, Jeno pecks one corner of Renjun's lips. He shuts his eyes and revels in the way Renjun's lips spread beneath his, stretching into a wide smile. Renjun's hold on his neck is firm as he draws Jeno closer to swipe his tongue across Jeno's lips.

Jeno doesn't even have to worry about mustering the courage to kiss Renjun properly. Before he knows it, Renjun is pressing his lips firmly against his. Renjun is braver and bolder than him; he dares to do things that Jeno is afraid to. During moments like this, Jeno feels that Renjun completes him and he loves every bit of it.

Renjun inches Jeno backwards until the sink is pressed against Jeno's back, their lips still locked together. Jeno tries to savour every kiss they share.

"I've missed you so much," Renjun whispers when he draws back to catch his breath.

"Me too," Jeno breathes back, unable to stop staring at Renjun's lips. They're glistening with spit and Jeno wants to kiss them until they are swollen.

Cupping Renjun's face, Jeno angles his head to kiss Renjun again. When Renjun parts his lips, Jeno slips the tip of his tongue into Renjun's mouth and searches around for Renjun's tongue. Renjun widens his mouth, inviting Jeno to lick into his mouth. Jeno ruts against Renjun's thigh with a whine, feeling his dick harden as he explores Renjun's mouth.

"Are you hard already? From kissing?" Renjun asks, his voice laced with amusement.

Jeno redirects his gaze and stares at the hairdryer, long abandoned on the tiled floor of the bathroom.

"What?" Renjun muses, tilting Jeno's chin to urge him to look back up. "Do you have a tongue kink of some sort? Kissing kink?"

Jeno twists his head out of Renjun's grip with a soft whine. Renjun parts his legs with his thigh and rubs it against Jeno's crotch at a tantalising pace. The movement of Renjun’s thigh, slow and sinful, is a stark contrast to the cheerful smile on his face.

"I'm right, aren't I?" Renjun says smugly. "Who knew Lee Jeno would get hard just from making out?"

"Stop teasing and help me out," Jeno huffs.

Jeno’s attempt at keeping his voice firm is futile because his ears betray him. They burn, probably flushing into an embarrassing shade of red. Jeno wraps his lips around Renjun's finger and chomps down lightly. Renjun is unfazed by this; he's used to it from all the times they played around. He removes his finger from Jeno's mouth and pinches his cheek sharply.

"Bossy," Renjun comments with a laugh.

Jeno's dick is fully hard, curving against his stomach, and leaking precum by the time they relocate to his bed. He lays on his back, naked and exposed, as Renjun kisses his stomach. Jeno doesn't know if he's just being impatient, but it feels like Renjun is touching everywhere but his dick.

"Touch me," Jeno begs, "please."

He reaches out to guide Renjun's hand to his dick, but Renjun stops him. Renjun's hold around Jeno's wrist is firm. Jeno watches helplessly as Renjun pulls away and sits upright.

"Are you sure about this?" Renjun asks gently. "Do you feel comfortable doing this?"

Jeno pushes himself upright too, both palms pressed firmly against his mattress. His chest flutters a little as he searches Renjun’s face. 

Lacing their fingers together, Jeno says, “I’m sure.” He has waited for this moment for weeks. Jeno doesn’t know how many times he has come in his fist, moaning Renjun’s name into his pillow. He’s lost count. Lowering his voice, Jeno adds coyly, “Can we fuck?” 

It’s Renjun’s turn to search Jeno’s face, double-checking to make sure that Jeno is telling the truth. 

“Okay,” Renjun replies eventually. He gives Jeno’s hand a firm squeeze. Renjun scoots forward until he is seated between Jeno’s legs. With his free hand, Renjun brushes Jeno’s fringe to one side then pats the crown of his head gently. “Do you want me to bottom?” 

Jeno shakes his head. He has come from fingering himself one too many times to give up this opportunity to feel Renjun inside. He releases Renjun’s hand to feel around the pillows behind him. From under one of his pillows, he pulls out a small bottle of lube. 

He passes the bottle to Renjun before laying back down. Renjun loops an arm around Jeno’s leg and leans closer to kiss along his thigh.

“Finger me,” Jeno whines, spreading his legs wider. 

Renjun lowers his leg to coat his fingers with lube. His eyes widen in surprise as he presses the tip of his index finger against Jeno. 

“You’re…” Renjun trails off. 

The words ‘looser than I thought’ is on the tip of Renjun’s tongue. Renjun doesn’t say it aloud, but Jeno knows that it’s there. Embarrassed, Jeno raises an arm and presses his eyes against the crook of his elbow. 

“I fingered myself last night,” Jeno mumbles.

“What did you think of when you fingered yourself?” Renjun asks as he inserts his index finger. 

Jeno squirms at the sensation. He’s mildly stunned by how Renjun is so calm and casual while fingering him—it’s as if they’re discussing what they’re going to have for lunch tomorrow. Jeno whines as Renjun slowly works his whole finger inside him. 

“You,” Jeno pants. Renjun has only pushed one finger inside him and Jeno already feels like he’s going to lose his mind. “I thought of you fingering me.”

“Mm,” Renjun hums. He fucks the finger in and out of Jeno a few times. “Like this?” 

Jeno moans loudly in reply as he feels Renjun add a second finger. He had forgotten how good it felt to have someone finger him. Renjun’s fingers feel infinitely nicer than his own, no matter what angle he fucks them into Jeno at. His thighs begin to shake when Renjun inserts a third finger.

“Renjun,” Jeno whines, “please.”

Jeno doesn’t know what exactly he’s begging for. All he wants is to feel more of Renjun; he wants to feel Renjun’s hands roam all over his body. 

“Shh, be patient,” Renjun chides, removing his fingers. “Do you have condoms?” 

“Yes, but just fuck me without one,” Jeno replies impatiently. His dick is so hard right now. He really needs Renjun inside him. 

“No, let’s use a condom.” 

Renjun clambers off the bed to search for a condom. He makes a noise of delight at the back of his throat when he finds some in the bottom drawer of Jeno’s desk. 

Jeno turns his head and watches Renjun as he strips his clothes off and slips on the condom. Perhaps Renjun is right. While Jeno hasn’t slept with anyone in the last six months—or maybe longer, he’s lost count to be honest—Renjun has had more than one sexual partner. So it’s probably safer for Renjun to use a condom, even if Jeno wants to feel Renjun inside him without one. 

Jeno is too embarrassed to admit this, but he has also jerked off to the thought of Renjun coming inside him several times. 

“Still feeling okay?” Renjun is standing beside Jeno’s bed. He peers down to examine Jeno’s face. “We can stop anytime.” 

Jeno repositions himself on the bed so that he is lying on his back with his legs facing Renjun. He wraps an arm around each leg, holding them as close to his chest as he can. He knows that he looks desperate and shameless right now, but he can’t summon the energy to care. Not when Renjun is standing naked beside him with his dick looking as hard as Jeno’s dick is. 

“I’m fine,” Jeno reassures him. “Just—hurry, please, I need to feel you.” 

Renjun shifts to stand between Jeno’s legs at the edge of the bed, ignoring Jeno’s whines of protest. He strokes Jeno’s hip with his left hand.

“I want to do this slowly,” Renjun replies softly. 

Jeno gasps when he feels the head of Renjun’s dick press against his entrance. This is really happening. After all the nights of fantasising and dreaming, he’s finally going to fuck Renjun. Or rather, make love with him.

Renjun slowly pushes inside Jeno, pausing every few seconds to make sure that Jeno is okay. Jeno has never seen Renjun so hesitant before, though he appreciates Renjun's concern. 

The pleasure Jeno feels when Renjun finally thrusts his hips is indescribable. Covering his face with both hands, Jeno muffles his cries. Renjun doesn't let him though. He reaches out and pries Jeno's hands away from his face.

"I want to hear you," Renjun murmurs.

Renjun thrust slowly at first, careful and gentle. He only picks up his pace when Jeno's moans grow louder. He seems to enjoy Jeno's loud moans so Jeno gives up on holding them back. Jeno's glad that they're home alone at the moment and not at some place like Jeno's apartment or Renjun's dorm. Having a large, empty house to themselves means that he can let out his moans without worrying about someone hearing them.

With every thrust, Jeno edges closer to his orgasm. On a particularly sharp thrust, Jeno surprises both himself and Renjun when he comes abruptly with a loud cry. Renjun continues to rock into him as the orgasm overwhelms him, pleasure flooding his body, starting from his abdomen.

"Sorry," Jeno groans when he recovers from his high.

Jeno's painfully aware that his dick is still half-hard, despite having come already. He should have seen this coming—he's been horny for Renjun for so long, it's no wonder that he came so quickly.

"Don't be sorry," Renjun smiles kindly. He leans down to kiss Jeno. "Do you want me to pull out?"

"No, don't stop. I can... usually come twice," Jeno blushes, turning his head to one side. Renjun's mouth shifts to kiss along Jeno's neck. "But don't touch my dick right now, it's a bit sensitive."

Renjun plucks a tissue from the box sitting on Jeno's bedside table. Gently, he wipes the cum off Jeno's stomach.

"That's so hot," Renjun muses. "It's amazing how we've been friends for so long, yet there are so many things I still don't know about you."

Jeno nudges Renjun's shoulder playfully. "Stop talking so casually when your dick is still inside me." He thinks he will die of embarrassment if Renjun asks him to list out the things that turn him on the most.

To tease Jeno further, Renjun buries his face into Jeno's shoulder and begins to rut against him. Jeno whimpers at the sensation. Renjun feels so deep and so good inside him like this, but his body rubs against Jeno's dick constantly.

"Ah, it's too much," Jeno pants, pressing a hand against Renjun's abdomen to push him away from his dick.

Renjun pulls his dick out when he shifts back. Jeno's glad that Renjun's body is no longer in contact with his sensitive dick, but he misses the feeling of having Renjun inside him already.

"Sorry," Renjun apologises with a sheepish look on his face. "Do you want to ride me instead?" 

Riding Renjun is another thing on Jeno's long list of sexual fantasies. Renjun doesn't miss the way Jeno's dick twitches at this suggestion.

"Your dick says yes but does your mind say yes too?" Renjun grins as he climbs onto the bed beside Jeno.

"Yes," Jeno grumbles, pushing Renjun back until he's lying flat on the mattress. "Fuck yes."

Renjun scoots upwards until his head is cushioned by one of Jeno's pillows. As Jeno swings a leg over Renjun's body to straddle him, he notices that Renjun has become awfully quiet. He glances down and is surprised to find Renjun staring at him intently.

"You're so fucking pretty," Renjun comments. 

Jeno blushes so hard that he forgets to compliment Renjun back. In fact, he loses all of his words and all he remembers to do is angle Renjun's dick so that he can insert it into himself as he sits back on Renjun's lap. The groan that slips past Renjun's lips is so loud that Jeno's dick twitches. His dick should feel oversensitive and uncomfortable right now, but his brain can't register anything—not when Renjun is buried so deep inside him.

Holding onto the headboard, Jeno steadies himself and begins to ride Renjun. He lifts himself until only the head of Renjun's dick is left in him, then slams back down. He only manages to do this a few times before his thighs burn from the effort.

Jeno rolls his hips slowly to gauge Renjun's response. He's surprised to find that Renjun's face remains passive. Renjun holds still as he watches Jeno work himself on his dick. Jeno grinds down harder and faster, desperate to elicit a reaction.

"Renjun," Jeno whines shamelessly.

He leans back and grips Renjun's thighs tightly to stabilise himself as he rolls his hips rhythmically. The new angle makes Renjun's dick feel different—a good different—and Jeno moans at the sensation. It's like the head of Renjun's dick is rubbing against another part of him. Jeno finally succeeds when he clenches down on Renjun.

"Fuck," Renjun groans loudly. His hands fly out to grip Jeno's sides. "You feel so good."

Without warning, Renjun thrusts upwards repeatedly. Jeno is delighted to hear Renjun's groans grow louder and louder. It spurs him on and he works himself harder on Renjun's dick, pushing back sharply to meet Renjun's hips.

"I'm going to come," Renjun pants and his moans rise in pitch. "Jeno. Holy fuck, Jeno."

Jeno wants to remember every moment of this. From the way Renjun’s voice becomes breathier and high pitched as he cries out for Jeno, to the look of ecstasy on his face as he inches closer to his orgasm.

With a shout of Jeno's name, Renjun comes. Jeno slows to a stop as he feels Renjun's dick throb inside him. He rests his palms against Renjun's chest and pants heavily. Pride rushes through him when he realises that he was the one who tipped Renjun over the edge and made him come. A small spurt of precum escapes the tip of Jeno's dick at this.

"Shit, I've always imagined you riding me, but this is infinitely better than I ever thought," Renjun admits, running a hand through his hair to push aside the strands hanging over his eyes. He wraps his other hand around Jeno's dick and glides up and down his length slowly. "Are you going to come for me, baby?"

Jeno exhales shakily. "Can you kiss me?" he requests quietly.

"Does that turn you on?" Renjun asks as he pushes himself up.

Jeno knows it's a genuine question, but he can't help but feel that Renjun is teasing him. Instead of replying, Jeno cups Renjun's face with his hands and kisses him. Renjun moans into the kiss when Jeno rolls his hips gently. In return, Renjun tightens his fist at the base of Jeno's dick briefly before he shifts his hand up to rub his palm against the head.

"Renjun," Jeno whines pitifully.

He loves the way Renjun pushes him down firmly when he tries to dislodge Renjun's hand.

"Come on, come for me again."

Renjun pushes his tongue inside Jeno's mouth and Jeno comes almost instantly. Jeno arches his back as he spurts all over Renjun's stomach. It all added up: the feeling of Renjun's dick still inside him, Renjun's hand rubbing mercilessly over the head of his dick, and the way Renjun's tongue moved inside his mouth.

Exhausted from his second orgasm, Jeno flops forward and buries his head into Renjun's neck.

"That was so good," he murmurs sleepily.

Renjun strokes his hair. "You were so good for me. Thanks for trusting me," Renjun says, kissing the crown of Jeno's head.

"I love it when you do that, you know?" Jeno hums. "When you stroke my hair like that."

"I'll keep that in mind in the future," Renjun replies with a soft laugh.

After a lot of coaxing, Renjun manages to convince Jeno to climb off his lap. Jeno dozes lazily as he watches Renjun toss out the condom and clean Jeno's cum off himself with a tissue. Just like that time after their Zova run, Renjun pulls on his clothes again.

Jeno vaguely recalls Renjun saying something about not being able to sleep naked. His thoughts are confirmed when Renjun pipes up.

"I can't sleep without clothes on," he says, "I hope you don't mind."

Jeno shakes his head. He doesn't like the heat, but if enduring it means he gets to cuddle with Renjun then he's willing to do it. When Renjun comes back to bed, he curls up against Jeno with his back pressed against Jeno's chest.

He is reminded that Renjun is a lot smaller than him and that he fits perfectly against him like this. They cuddle for a few minutes before Renjun breaks the silence.

“How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Renjun murmurs.

Jeno laughs, “Are you trying to imply something?"

“No!” Renjun turns and swats at his chest indignantly. “I’m just asking so I can make you breakfast tomorrow morning.”

Jeno presses a kiss on Renjun's neck then gently sucks on the same spot. The soft moan Renjun lets out urges him on and he sucks harder.

"I'm just teasing," Jeno admits when he pulls back to admire the red spot on Renjun's neck. “I like my egg yolks runny.” 

Renjun opens his mouth to say something but clamps it shut quickly. Jeno pauses, wondering if Renjun will share the witty response on his mind. He doesn't expect Renjun's next reply. 

"Can I be the big spoon instead?" Renjun asks, albeit a little sheepish. "I always thought I'd enjoy being the little spoon since you are—you know, taller and more muscular than me. But I don't like it as much."

"Sure," Jeno muses, turning onto his other side.

He doesn't mind, really. To Jeno, as long as Renjun is by his side when he wakes up, he doesn't mind if he's the big spoon or the little spoon.

Renjun wraps an arm around Jeno's waist and tucks his chin against Jeno's shoulder.

"Thanks," he whispers into his ear. "Hey, Zova run when we get back to uni?"

Jeno tugs on Renjun’s arm so that they’re curled around his waist tighter. He feels so warm and secure with Renjun wrapped around him like this. 

"Let's go for a Zova run," Jeno agrees with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it to the end of this very long fic!! Whew what a journey. Did anyone guess markmin as the unrevealed side ship? Because I certainly didn't until I wrote up to that scene where Jaemin found Jeno in the library hsdfhsdf ;_; Thank you to those who tried to make a guess (some of your guesses were amazing, I wish I thought of those ships while I was writing).
> 
> P.S. Jeno drunk bathtub incident was based on a personal experience (except I laid in the bathtub and listened to NCT hhh).
> 
> [♡ Twitter](https://twitter.com/jaexings) / [♡ Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/jaexings) / [♡ Other works](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaexings)


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